Snodderly, I let it go, but H didn't. Haha. Now everything is my place and your house...lol! Guess poor boy got his feelings hurt when I said that. Oh well. I don't see any reason I should have to put up with his shenanigans in my own domain. Because it has not come up, I asked him where my son would be if he was sick tomorrow, Here or at H's and he said he did not feel comfortable staying here the whole day...I said "good, I don't blame you, I am not comfortable with it either".
He is a mess...
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Snodderly, I thought a lot about what you said, about waiting and small goals, and am still thinking on it and letting it sink in, but I have to ask....why do you think that my H doesn't want the divorce? I mean what is it that you see from my post that gives you this impression? I am just trying to gain a perspective from an outsider as I am not seeing this.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Your h is having a little temper tantrum, so he has to put forth the effort to "punish" you in his own way. Now, it's his house/your house. I wouldn't worry about it too much because he'll either get over himself or he won't.
The reason I do not think your h wants a divorce right now is because he's not threatening you w/the word divorce at every turn. He's been very good about coming to the home, doing things w/both the children and w/you and his entire attitude has been quite different than the normal angry mlcer. He appears to be quite comfortable w/the way things are at this time and doesn't appear to be in any hurry to end the marriage. Keep in mind that I am getting this impression from your postings and it's not to be a "prediction" of what will be or not be, but a sense of what you've posted from your interactions with him.
There is no way of predicting what the outcome would be if you were to push for relationship talks right now. I think it's too soon for the talks and the timing isn't quite right. That's why I suggested setting a goal of several months down the road to see where he's at during that time.
If I were in your shoes, I would stay the course, continue to focus on you and your children and live your life to the fullest. When mlcers see their spouses living their lives and happy, they tend to gravitate towards that candle of happiness. They do not like to be around us when we are angry, resentful, sad and depressed because they are very much aware of what they've done and do not want to feel guilty about the mess they have created.
BRNR, there is always hope for any situation. When you sit quietly, the answers will be revealed to you. Trust me, it does happen. You have to put your trust and faith in God, yourself and your h to get through this crisis.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I so wish we could have a "Like" button on these threads...
Quote:
The reason I do not think your h wants a divorce right now is because he's not threatening you w/the word divorce at every turn. He's been very good about coming to the home, doing things w/both the children and w/you and his entire attitude has been quite different than the normal angry mlcer. He appears to be quite comfortable w/the way things are at this time and doesn't appear to be in any hurry to end the marriage. Keep in mind that I am getting this impression from your postings and it's not to be a "prediction" of what will be or not be, but a sense of what you've posted from your interactions with him.
I concur with your thoughts. I try to be accurate in my reflections of the situation as to get the best feedback from everyone, and I feel this as well. H even told me he "didn't want the divorce" when we had our major fight, but I was on the believe nothing they say kick...So, I am constantly looking for the reason he has not divorced or threatened the divorce. I guess for me, when one has gone so far as he, to sign a year lease on an apartment, separate marital money's, and changing addresses, new phone, etc...it seems only logical that this would be the next step and would be quite easy for him to do so...if only I could get in that mind of his and really know why...
Quote:
There is no way of predicting what the outcome would be if you were to push for relationship talks right now. I think it's too soon for the talks and the timing isn't quite right. That's why I suggested setting a goal of several months down the road to see where he's at during that time.
I actually had the same timeline as you suggested to wanting to have these talks as this would be mid-way through his lease on his apartment. In my opinion, if we were to work on "us", then I would want to try and do so while we our in our own domain, so if needed, we could get away and have space to evaluate any problems that could arise during reconciliation. But that is my timeline, and not his, so I have a plan, but know things may never happen in this form or fashion or at all.
As suggested, I will stay the course, as my situation has "improved" since I posted on day one. I am learning that Hope and Expectations can easily be confused and am working on trying to not let things bother me...letting go and detaching. I will admit, that I am not fully there, and ever wonder if someone can, but I am working on it.
Everything about DB'ing is counter intuitive, but I must be doing something right to have gotten this far...
So summary on final thoughts... -no OR or Divorce talks initiated by me -no initiating contact with H unless it is regarding financial or kid matters -I will respond to his text, calls, emails, visit with all the positive feelings I can... -I will no longer invite him to anything, and I think I am going to start dodging the one on one outings (for now), but continue with the family ones should H invite me
As I mentioned to Portia (and you could either agree or disagree), but I think when they get the sense that they have "lost us" is when they start to introspect about themselves and the sitch. I guess that is what they mean act as-if. And I know I can do that, as I try to tell myself all the time "remember all the pain he has caused you". This helps me continue the course, because ultimately, while I can get over the pain in time, (which is what I got, right?), ultimately, I will need him to show remorse and sympathy for everything if we should ever got back together.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
B, One word of caution, I wouldn't cut him out of everything. I am going to suggest one change to your list. If there is a family function that you think he would like to attend, I would offer up an invitation and allow him to decide if he wants to attend. There are going to be times when his children have activities that both parents should attend...you do not want to give him a signal that you are done and do not want him in your life...you'll know which events to invite him to.
I doubt that he will have any idea as to what he wants to do about the relationship mid-way of his lease. The time to discuss the "lease renewal" would be towards the end, if he hasn't broached the subject w/you by then. You will need to tread lightly when this discussion takes place.
Keep in mind, you've given your h the space and time he needs. You've not put demands on him and that may be one of the reasons he's not screaming bloody murder for a divorce. Even though there are no cuts or bruises on him, he's suffering from emotional pain, a pain that runs so deep, he doesn't understand why it won't go away and time will help him reflect back on his life to find the answers.
It's very important to leave the door ajar, but you do not stand still during this time. You are to continue moving forward and focusing on you and your children. Life doesn't stand still for any of us and we all have a lot to live for. Your h is a time traveler and he will expect you to remain right where he left you, so do not be suprised if he doesn't remember birthdays, anniverseries and the ages of the children at some point. They are so lost during this time.
Now, it's a new day...what do you have planned for today? Is your little feeling better?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, Good point on not cutting him out of everything...I guess I will just pull back a little.
And I know about the mid term lease thing, it was just a timeline for me, not him. And I don't think I would start this discussion at all, that was more of a rambling of sorts. I don't know what I am doing either until the days come, so it was more of me to look and evaluate the sitch at this time type of thing...
Today, my child is sick again, but is at "H's place". I am catching up on all the work I've missed this week...So a lot to keep me busy here at the job. Tonight, not sure what I have to do, but I do need a few things at the store and dinner of sorts, so I will probably be doing that later...
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I just read the last couple of pages of your thread and wanted to tell you that You did the right thing in setting a boundary around the use of he MLCphone in your house. Very well handled and congratulations.
Snodderly gives great advice...you are fortunate, as I have been, to have her attention.
I've been at this almost 19 months. Most recently i had been preparing myself to cut ties but I'm wavering again. My H first opened up just a little about nine months after we separated and then a little more each time we made contact. Ironically enough I feel closer to him now than I ever did before. There's more intimacy than ever because he's let me see some of his pain. I believe he loves me as it is almost palpable when we speak. Every few weeks I will text him to see how he is doing on his healing journey and now he calls me right back. It's time, tho, for me to step back and wait for him to initiate contact.
Although I have no kids, something about the few pages of your thread that I read felt familiar so I wanted to pipe in.
It's a long road. Take the high one. Be gracious in your words and behaviors, and as Snodderly said keep moving forward while you practice patience. To be truthful, many of the lessons and the growth I've experienced in the past 18+ months I wouldn't trade for the world.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
I just read the last couple of pages of your thread and wanted to tell you that You did the right thing in setting a boundary around the use of he MLCphone in your house. Very well handled and congratulations.
GWN - Thank you for the compliments regarding this matter. It was the right thing to do for me, although it has turned my H into a bitter little boy at the moment...seems he hasn't let it go, and now is spewing some agression. Hopefully he simmers down in a few days...
Quote:
Snodderly gives great advice...you are fortunate, as I have been, to have her attention.
I concur
Quote:
It's a long road. Take the high one. Be gracious in your words and behaviors, and as Snodderly said keep moving forward while you practice patience. To be truthful, many of the lessons and the growth I've experienced in the past 18+ months I wouldn't trade for the world.
I am trying to take the long high road...honestly, the small group of people close to me don't know why I am doing so. I know the road is long, and there will be setbacks, which I feel this (MLC phone) has become, but in the end, wouldn't being a gracious and strong woman who took the high road be what a husband would want?
Those thoughts somewhat keep me going...besides it is a cleaner way home...he is already creating enough havoc, I don't need to either.
Thanks again GWN - Since you see the commonality, could you give me the title to your threads? I would like to see the comparisons and possible takeaways of your sitch. Maybe head off any NON-DBing behavior.
Also, 19mos is discouraging and encouraging to me at the same time. Hopefully I can have the strength to keep going that long. I have those moments everyday...give up, keep going, one more day, see what happens next week, next month etc.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
In looking back to find the info for you, I read a little bit of my first threads. All that intense pain and anger...man, oh man. Some of the things that were said to me on my first couple of posts hurt pretty bad as BD really was a sucker punch...how he saw me as a bad wife etc. Clearly that assessment still stings, but today I know how untrue it is. I was not a perfect wife, but this had absolutely nothing to do with me.
If you click on my name, then click "view posts", and then from that screen click "topics created" you'll see all my threads.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Good morning DB Family!!!! Today is Friday and is going to be a great day.
Just a quick note - Old boy finally simmered down and his back to his usually text and niceness this morning. Glad that moment is out of here, but I have to say, I got a good laugh out of it yesterday, knowing he was acting like a toddler and throwing a hissy fit.
GWN-Thanks for the response regarding your threads...I am still learning to navigate this site a little...I started reading some of it last night, and I can sympathize totally with all the pain and anger. But to propel you into a good PMA today, remember that what you experienced then has turned you into the great person you are today...always keep that in the forefront.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
