Thanks

[PatientMan]

Thank you all so much for the feedback. If anything, it just reinforced my desire to be cautious with medicine that is manipulating chemicals in my brain. I don't know why this gives me the heebie jeebies so much, but it just does and I'll be sure to bounce the suggested medicine (Cymbalta) off of my GP as well just to get a second opinion.

(Here comes a segue between the two topics of AD meds and the GAL inquiry.)

Overall I am, and keep in, pretty good shape (relative to the majority of Americans). I lift weights 3-4 times per week and do "cardio" 1-4 times per week, all depending on the macro-level goals of whatever phase I am in (gaining muscle, losing fat, or maintenance). I'm meticulous with my exercise and diet and have always had this in my nature, though my physical health slipped from MY normal after we had our second daughter. I was working full time, a full time student, and had a family. Something had to give and it wasn't going to be work, school, or family, so what was left was exercise, though I still stayed in relatively good shape.

So for a few years I went in and out of phases where I would exercise regularly and practically quit altogether. (I'm also pre-wired to need to do something 100% or I feel like I'm wasting my time...something I recognize as a trait to be worked on.) The autumn before BD I recommitted myself to getting back in shape, which for me meant going from decent shape to pretty darn good shape. Immediately after BD I knew that working out was going to be a continuing mainstay for me. I REALLY enjoy it, I want to be healthy, I welcome the challenges, it makes me feel strong, and I also learned through my various episodes of depression over the years that forcing myself to do certain things, even if I didn't want to, actually helped me shorten the depression period and kick-start me back to a better mental state. Consistently going through the motions by hitting the gym and going to church, as examples, worked for me.

(Side note: For any readers who struggle with depression, I encourage you to try finding your "healthy mental habits" and force yourself to go through the motions. I never left the gym after a workout or church after a service and said to myself, "I wish I hadn't gone." I know what works for me may not work for you, but it's worth a shot! )

So my very long way of getting to the point where I answer the "what are you doing to GAL?" question is now over. What am I doing to GAL? That's tough. Early after the S (and before I read DR) I realized moping around by myself was a bad plan. I encountered a couple of problems in response to that:

• I am not a social person and do not keep a large account at PatientMan's Bank of Friends. I prefer to keep a small number of friends close.
• My very best friend has always been my wife, so that's out the window.
• All my other friends were married with kids, so I didn't really have anyone to do stuff with as they were where I wanted to be: at home with their families.
• I don't drink and don't care at all for the bar scene.

Now those all seem like excuses avoiding the answer of: find/meet new friends. Which brings me to my next set of bullet points:

• I work between 45-60 hours per week. And not the 45-60 hours per week that people I know quote by counting when they leave their house and when they arrive back at their house. I mean a legitimate 45-60 hour week, exclusive of lunch as well. I'm up by 5 or 5:30 every morning and at work by 7 every day.
• In addition to that I am in grad school, which means after work two nights a week I'm in class until 9:30, not getting back to my place until around 10.
• When I'm not doing any of that I want to spend as much time with my girls as I can.
• One night every weekend I have a date with one of my daughters. It rotates so I get a date every week and each one of them gets a date every four weeks. The one on one time is important and special to all of us, and it's important to me to show them how they ought to be treated when they go on dates for real when they are older...like 30.
• On the other weekend night I have the girls sleep over at my place. It's small, but they need to feel welcome there and W needs to have some decompression time as well (my words, not hers). She is a quasi single mom. Her choice, yes, but I am still sensitive to that.

So I don't know what the answer to the GAL is right now. My schedule is really busy, but perhaps I'm just making excuses. Maybe I could look for something through the church (I did attend a men's Bible study, but I just didn't seem to mesh real well with the other men in that group.) I tend to be pretty picky about who I associate with, but extremely loyal to those I pick.

I have gone to see a movie every couple of months with a friend here or there, but that is extremely irregular. I recently have thought about attending more of the events my class at school puts together, but most of those are late in the evening, at the bar type get-togethers that don't appeal much to me. I've attended a couple and put forth some effort, but it just isn't easy for me to click with new people, especially people I feel I don't relate very well to.

On nights I don't have class I am at the house at least until I tuck the girls in. Usually W will ask me to stick around and watch TV with her. I don't mind this as we get along fine, but since reading DR I've done more leaving and not hanging out, I just don't do it every time. We're both lonely and I'm not saying it's the best or right thing to do, but I think we both get something out of it. As I've spoken to before, maybe I'm just in her life in this capacity now until she finds the suitable replacement. I just really have a hard time not being there for her if she needs somebody. I did that once already and lost her. I do realize I could be approaching this entirely wrong and letting my feelings rationalize behavior that doesn't coalesce with my goals, so I am certainly open to criticism.

There is something to detaching in a sense of giving her less attention and more to the kids. Before DR I noticed a few times that if I was struggling with being around her I would spend almost all of my time with my ladies (4 D's), and this would prompt a response from her akin to "pulling her in" as described elsewhere on this forum that I've read. I think we're past that point now, though...at least as far as she is quicker to recognize when she is giving me attention she doesn't normally give me, which prompts an internally fueled retaliatory response from her where she pulls back away from me in some fashion. Again, this is all just anecdotal observation and doesn't perfectly predict behavior; it's just the overall trend. And I don't let this stuff bother me anymore anyway.

Wow, I know that once I get to writing I can be a bit verbose, but I didn't intend to be this long-winded. Congratulations to anyone who made it this far!

Thank you all for your responses. It means a lot.

-PM