So close I can taste it...

[25yearsmlc]

Leo, I will take your advise and spend a couple days thinking about all of this. Especialy the father figure part because that seems quite important.

It is important SM. DOn't get so bogged down in your version of history bc for one thing, it VARIES and I do notice that' and I do comment on it b/c it's weird to say certain things so differently than before.


Just briefly though, a few comments...

I like to think I think highly of myself. That might be arrogance but to me the word arrogance has a negative connotation.

Arrogance DOES have negative connotations. It's not a compliment. There's no 'good way" to be arrogant. But yeah, you sound arrogant often...just sayin' that's how it reads to this woman.



So when I say I dont think people who know me personally, especially my wife, would say I was arrogant. They would say I think highly of myself in the way that I have high self esteem and self worth. But I have those same feelings for my wife.

elsewhere, earlier you said your self esteem took some blows b/c your business was suffering and your w was not giving you WOA enough and therefore you with held affection and she felt rejected by you....so, this^^ does not jive.


When I said 'she knows a good thing when she sees it' it was phrased like that because I was talking from my wifes perspective. From my perspective I would say we BOTH know we have someone special.



Your w is sleeping with another man. Period. I mean, not to rub it in, but that's that.


The reason for pursuing is something we have covered before. Michelle says to act as if, but only if the WAS is not claiming neglect. That is indeed what is going on in my sitch.

agreed....and hopefully you'll find a balance between that and being a doormat. NOT That you are, but you could easily become one...and that's been a big concern fo people here. We seem to shift from thinking you are conceited and blind to your own faults b/c you keep on explaining (and you once again told of us your "research"....which is YOU teaching us again...)

OR that you are in major denial with a cake eating w...I can see why you'd be confused but frankly, you are confusing.


Am I running away from my marital faults that I contributed? Absolutely not. I didnt ever pursue my wife...hardly showed her she was important to me. I told her but never showed her. Thats what I am trying to do now as a 180.

then what's with all the 'Therapist said I was a GREAT H and GREAT FATHER and BEST FRIEND AND VERY HAPPY WITH ME"???

See there is a huge disconnect.


There were a few things wife said were negatives about me during BD and the days surrounding. I have addressed them as bezt I can, and still working hard at them. But there is no doubt none of them were serious enough to leave me over.

oh there's plenty of DOUBT....She is sleeping with OM...I guess you're saying "hey she didn't leave me, she's just w/OM"...

The sex and sexual pursuing or lack thereof is the deal breaker. She even in our recent chat that she wishes I had pursued like this before. She didnt mention she wishes I had fixed the kitchen cabinets, dressed nicer etc.. back then. Those are added bonuses of the new me of course.

well I guess Acts of service are not her LLs - OR not her first one...so what did you learn about fixing the kitchen cabinet vis a vis HER NEEDS?


I have no dillusions of having had the perfect marriage. Not at all. There is always room for improvement. Do I blame the meds only for my sitch? No, I have said before it was lack of sexual pursual. Not even lack of frequency because I think my wife would not leave me because we make love twice a wek I stead of four.

DING DING DING!!! You said it was 'down to once a week' a few weeks back. I wrote it down and commented on it and said at your age, that's not a lot. SHE wanted more so it was not enough. Period.

And 2 x a week is what the AVERAGE couple of all ages, do, or say they do.

Now you've doubled the number of times you say you were ML...see? I have a problem now. With your credibility or your recall or your marital revisions...

Its because I never said hey you look darn fine, go put something sexy on and meet me in the bedroom in 5 mins...and hurry! You know what I mean?

um, no I don't know. Honestly not sure what you are saying here....but it's probably not crucial that I do.

So its not that I think I have nothing to work on, there are definitely things I want to fix for myself. Adinva and I explored a lot of things I can work on, and she liked how I dug deep and even added things that I didnt like about myself that wife never complained about. I am working on those, and I believe 25 is still waiting for a recap of those and the updates of how I am doing with them.


sure am!


Any marriage has its issues. Some more than others. Every person has their breaking point, some peole further than others. In my case all I am saying is that our marriage had less issues than some, and one of us (my wife) had a breaking point closer than mine. The meds in my opinion brought that breaking point closer even than before. If you read some studies of ssri, it has been shown that the area of the brain most influenced is the 'give a f $#k' center, so when you lose that you may act on things that you originally thought didnt deserve a divorce. Doesnt mean they were not issuez, just that you might have been dealing with them, and all of a sudden you dont care to deal with them anymore. no more of this^^^ please. We get it. WE can do our own research. No more Professor SM...okay?

Leo I think you have been very loyal to me and helping me. I do appreciate that immensely. And although your 2x4s sometimes feel more like a ton of bricks, I understand you have the best intentions. Like you said, many of you would like to see me fix my M, and you have no idea how much that means to me. You all are not my second family right. You are my first! I have not been able to confide in any of my family members because I come from a culture where there would be no way back into the M for my wife. Since I lived with western folks my whole life, my own ideals will allow me to move past this, but my eastern valued family would not.

you're wise to get support where you can. Don't go to the MIl anymore please b/c she compares you to HER H or ex.

My mom loves my h and all my sister's h's b/c she compares them to my dad, who was a terrible h. Even when my h was in his "MLC" or whatever, even when my x bil left my sister, my mom said good things about him (he left a wonderful wife for OW and later he regretted it...) My mom's view is not helpful to me or my sisters although I love that she loves my h, but her perspective is so skewed i don't listen much to it. She thinks my h is GREAT & you know why?

...b/c he's a doctor... AND b/c he earns good money & she thinks he manages it well, b/c he is in good physical shape, many of these things are what she wished my father had done. The alliance you have with your mil is not nearly as helpful to you, as you think. You're loving what she says, but that's not
as helpful as you want it to be or think it is.


That is also why sometimes when I post I write with a certain arrogance that I always claim I dont do in person. Its kind of that conversation you might have with your brother where yoh tell him whats going on and then both of you spend a few minutes saying how your wife will never find someone as good as you, and she should be kissing your butt to forgive her.


except for the last part, I don't think many of us did NOT have these^^ talks at first. We wanted our "fans" to tell us how great we were b/c we were hurting.

you just cannot create or have any expectations from those pep talks. You have to see them for what they are. Okay?

I do t have those convos with anyone, and have no one to boost me up like that. So perhaps I am subconsciously looking for that here, and so in an attempt to solicit a response like that from you all, I come of very arrogant. I need to focus on showing my humility. You all do t know how much time I spent thinking I am not worthy of my wifes love.


ahhh but this insight, this honesty is what we seek and what we suspected^^^^


I didnt show her how much she meant to me. I thought by working hard and buying her a nice house and a brand new car and a closet full of expensive clothes, that I was being a good lover.

And now, you see that WHAT is being a "good lover" to HER?


All she needed was a damn hug and a compliment!

maybe not "all" but it's a start and you did resist it. Before, You said you'd "TRY" to compliment her once a week...and "within reason".
Can you see how that sounded to me?

Its painful bro. It [censored]! Im a great guy I LOVE HER but she needed that!


And I dint blame her one bit. Every wife deserves to feel sexy.....and I need to work on that..big time. When this is all fixed, I want her to know she is the most beautifuk person I have ever laid eyes on.

((( )))