Just left the house for two week business trip. Kissed our girls goodbye. Walked to the door and was ready to leave. Thought I probably should say good he to the wife. Don't want to appear irritated or rude. Walked back to the kitchen where she was with our youngest. Told her to have a good week. She looked momentarily my way and said "you do the same" and went back to whatever it was that she was working on. Appears as indifferent and uncaring as you can get.
THUMBS UP P2 !! I would love a 2 week break from my life!... ENJOY and put HER on the back burner!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I've had two sessions with my DB coach. During my last conversation with them, they noted that my wife communicates to me where she is going when she leaves the house. She shares her calendar with me via the cloud. The last time she was out with her friends, she told me where she was going and texted me to let me know when she was on her way home. She has done that a few times within the last few weeks. If she is away from home, she will text me letting me know she is on her way. The last time she did this, I texted her back a "thank you" for letting me know.
Do you think that comes across as me wanting to "monitor" or "control"? Do you think it is good that I give her positive feedback for this?
Although she does this, she is still emotionally distant.
just curious and don't mean to nitpick...but how many threads do you have? Is this one your main one?
IT's a lot easier for us to follow along & advise you, if you post only in one place.
OTherwise invariably a piece of the story or major facts get lost.
good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
just curious and don't mean to nitpick...but how many threads do you have? Is this one your main one?
IT's a lot easier for us to follow along & advise you, if you post only in one place.
OTherwise invariably a piece of the story or major facts get lost.
good luck
25, thank you for visiting me. I have been hoping to hear from you.
This is my only thread. I have read that we should keep to one thread here, so that's what I have done. I have commented in others' threads, but here is where I write about my wife and I.
I will re-read everything I have here to see if I have posted everything or if I haven't done a good job of writing about my situation.
Iv'e been reading what I have written here and it really helps me get a better picture of the progression of things over the last few months. It has allowed me to see changes in how I feel and react. It also has helped me see changes in my wife.
Back on Feb 18, I wrote about my wife avoiding conflict. Just this past week, she opened up about how she has always avoided conflict or confrontations. She said she doesn't know why she does this. I am figuring it must be at least partly because of growing up in a family that ended up torn apart. She has told me she has no faith in marriage. I don't know if that is a new sentiment or if she has always felt that way or at least has had her doubts.
One thing that she told me was that any time we had an argument, she was profoundly affected by it. She was convinced it was the end of us. I would always go to her to reconcile. She would never come to me. I always took it as her pride that prevented her from doing it, but I now believe she was feeling scared, alone, and unsure of my love for her.
She told me she doesn't know where this comes from. She said she agreed to marry me because she felt safe and secure with me. That I would love her forever.
She has opened up and talked about herself like she has never done before. The unfortunate thing is that it took this crisis for it to happen. It also is pretty scary, because although she is talking, I don't get the feeling that this is any indication that she will choose us.
I am in love with a girl who questions my love for her. She questions the foundation of our marriage.
It seems easy to understand how a wife should handle a husband who is a WAS. She gives space and waits for him to pursue her. It is traditionally the man who pursues. That is how he shows desire for the woman. How do I show my wife the love I have for her, continuing to "pursue" yet NOT do damage? This is confusing to me.
She has told me many times she would never pursue a man or even offer her number to them if she was interested (before we met). She always let them do all the work. She would respond. It was a test. If he wanted her he would show it. I feel I need to show it, but not push.
Don't remember how this came up, but I made mention to her this past week that I found her very attractive sexually. That it was almost impossible for me to keep my hands off of her. That she "does" it for me. She always has and always will. She didn't say anything, but gave me a smile. It seemed to be something she liked hearing.
The past three weeks I have been home, she has worn her ring the whole time. That seems back to normal.
My coach has told me "do not withdraw". He has also advised me to support her in any way possible and to look for ways to work together as a team with common goals. Try to look for the underlying fears in things that she says to me.
My wife told me a few weeks ago that she had applied to go back to school. She wanted to know if I would support her doing that. I know that this would mean much more than money. It would mean emotional support and support in the form of taking on even more of the workload at home. I told her that I would do whatever it took to help her accomplish her goals and I really meant it.
Last week, she asked me what I meant when I had said that it would be a financial disaster for us if we got a divorce. I simply replied that we would end up losing lots of money when we turned paper losses into actual ones with the real estate sales we would have to execute. She never said if that was the answer she was looking for or what she was really wanting to know if that wasn't it. She also asked me if I had seen a lawyer. I told her I had not. She never said anything else.
Most of the time, I don't ask her anything in return. Maybe I am afraid of getting hurt by an answer I don't want to hear.
I don't know if she's just gathering facts about what I am doing so she can protect herself or if she is asking me this stuff because she fears I will pull the plug and dump her. Maybe she's taking the temperature of our relationship. I am pretty sure that I would be concerned that I would be in a difficult position if my spouse left me when I was a SAHM and hadn't been in the workforce for 10 years.
I know she is worried about what is going on with us. She told me this past week that she's having trouble sleeping and one night didn't sleep until about 4am.
I don't know if she is looking for signs of security with me or if she just trying to see how much time she has left on the clock. Do any of you find your spouse asking you questions like these and then saying nothing after you give them a reply?
As I mentioned above, I'm out of town for 2 weeks. This is day 5. We've texted and talked via the phone. All logistics or talking about the kids. If there has been anything else, it was because I tried to carry a more normal conversation with her like we used to have. Am I messing up here?
I have been trying to operate more like things are fine lately. Actually, probably for the last three weeks. Nothing physical, but just in our conversations and interaction. The reason for this is three weeks ago we were on vacation and we were sitting together on the sofa and I was rubbing her feet. She mentioned that it was nice. Like old times and it really seemed to make her feel better. She says things are weird between us. I'm trying to change that. However, this really hasn't changed the dynamic, so is it time for another change?
I've read about some of you going silent for months. I'm thinking of going silent except to respond to her contact for the remaining 9 days of my trip. Yeah, I know! This is different for me. Figured I would "press to test".
When doing DR, how long were you guys implementing changes before changing things up again?
Maybe I've got things all wrong here. As I re-read my words, I see I am doing things to get a response. Do I need a change of mind to just doing things and just leave it at that?
Was meaning to bring DR along to read it again, but forgot it at home. #$&*%@!!
Pathfinder, they say to not do things to get a response. Do what will make you a better person and hopefully they will notice.
Your W said things were weird. My W has said things along those lines also. I think to myself "no kidding they are weird. Our lives have been turned upside down over the past few months."
Your W seems like she enjoys talking to you so I am not sure what the benefit of going dark would be. Seems like that would just upset her and push her away. I am far from a vet around here and I am still very confused concerning my WAS but I just wanted to put in my thoughts fwiw.
Good luck.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
This is different for me. Figured I would "press to test".