25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

Anger got me to acceptance...

Mach, though I hear you and I ^^get it, and I believe you, it was not like that for me. So when someone else tells me they're angry, I hesitate to know what they mean and so, what to advise.

For ME - it's more like "Anger kept me stuck & consumed by being "right" and how wrong h was and how bad it all was and how it sukked that h had done this", etc' b/c my anger really did have a hold on me.

I'd call it "venting" BUT it was often just me spiralling downward...

ANGER DID have value in that it made me move forward to protect myself legally, but emotionally, it kept me stuck.



Time, (and acceptance), got me to forgiveness...


This makes sense.

I decided I could not be angry anymore for ME and the KIDS lives to improve...not for H. Not even for him to know. Just For ME and for the kid's lives to improve...I needed to not feel like crap all the time. Not become a bitter shrew or someone that would always feel bad about others, or life.

But another way of saying this^^ would be to say "Time, & acceptance got me to forgiveness." So I relate to this.

(However, I did get an apology too.

As discussed earlier on this thread, & What I realized only recently, is that my children did not get an apology. And THEY need one. Now.

My h is barely aware of that b/c it seems so long ago to him. I mean that. I believe him. I told him "they're angry about the abandonment" and h thought I meant the deployment to the middle East. I said, "no, you leaving to Alaska..." H was incredulous. H said, "they're upset about way back THEN??"


It's moments like that when you realize "Wow, his recall is not mine! And never will be. And that's going to have to be okay, b/c identical memories are not mandatory". (If they are, we're all doomed).


You are getting there. I can see it in your posts along the way..

Situational anger...

I remember thinking along these lines..

I would get angry about what she was doing, because I didn't understand it, and then I would get angry because I was missing/losing something.

Then I would get angry because she was missing/losing out on a better person....

Because I couldn't accept what she was doing....
[b]
When I finally was able to accept what she was doing, I still didn't understand it, although I went along with it.[/b]

to ME this ^^^ is why the asking "WHY???" is so useless. The WAS often does NOT KNOW why...and or the reason "why", changes...or they lie...

but regardless, WE will probably NOT understand it anyhow.

So I say, "asking 'Why is this happening to ME?' is a waste of time.

Better to ask, 'What can I DO NOW to make myself happier & healthier?'"

When I finally understood what she was doing, and accepted it, I also accepted that she wasn't doing it TO me, but rather for herself.

Then, and only then, had I reached a place where I could fully accept, AND forgive her...

Make sense ???
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YES it makes sense. The depersonalizing is helpful and crucial, like detaching....and it's super super hard to do. The asking "Why?" does not help with it either.