So, the significant change...PA confirmed before she was ready to talk about it, testing from the ob/gyn...to her credit, she was honest after telling me it was something else that isn't usually transmitted s3xually that she had had before. This one is almost never transmitted via other means. She is really mad about the money spent on the full gyn panel, and not happy she had to disclose this before she was ready. I know how she beats herself up over things, so I really don't feel any need to add to it.
We had 3 long talks over the weekend and I have what info I "need" for myself right now:
-she doesn't love him, nor feels "in-love", just s3x, diversion, exploration, the experience she didn't get before we were married. When I asked her directly, her tone and facial expression told me this is true. -the last time was mid January, and I gathered that it wasn't more than occasional PA hookup, but the online was the usual (not sure, doing some interpretation here). -he didn't work in, or was related to my industry at all, so I can turn off my paranoia scanner, I think...lol. -she was trying to stop (and the online too), she wasn't liking how she felt afterwards (shame, guilt, etc)
So, I don't need to bring it up again until she does...just going to let it be, she seems to be processing a lot of the implications and such, let her get there herself.
I did say that this one area, out of all the others, needs resolving/stopping sooner rather than later, as I can't say how long I will wait, that I just don't know...but that I wasn't going to tell her when, that she needs to work that out herself (hat tip to rH on that response...
We talked about a lot of other things, issues, got some truths out, very honest, I showed some emotion, tears (not too many!) and vulnerability in addition to being calm, validating, etc. I got the opportunity to apologize and explain some things from the past, maybe she "heard" me this time...if I need to again I will. Maybe more on that stuff later, idk...so drained today, lot to take in.
Though I knew this was a very real and probable possibility, and rehearsed it in my mind these past 18 or so months, I still was surprised by some anger, hurt, devastation, wanting to quit, but not nearly like what I felt when I discovered her online activities and BD...not as intense or long lasting...still, I really couldn't eat yesterday. I guess no matter how much you "train", you never know how you will perform under fire, until you actually have to. I think I did pretty damn good.
After yesterday's 2nd talk, I went out for a bit to my office, to scream, cry, be mad, sob to the feral cats out back. When I came back, W was "different" in a good way, more her real self, and I was really distant at first, caught myself, explained to her I was processing my feelings and all, that I hoped she understood, she said she can't believe how well I am coping, how strong I am, etc. I just said lots of work on me, patience, FAITH and that silly thing called "love"..which got a smile out of her. The evening was pretty pleasant after that, she was all worried about winkles around her eyes before she went to bed, I told her they were adorable, which got me a smile. She has been rather chatty via email today, I think maybe some good things came out of this.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
No time for a longer posting at the moment, but wanted to acknowledge your grief in finding this out. I would be devastated to find such a thing out, even though all along you know it could be the case.
You'll get through it just like the other things. My H always used to say to me that when you find out something you weren't aware of previously--everything is still the same. You're just aware now. Corny, but true.
I really feel for you. Sounds like you're taking it well. It hurts that it was just a couple months ago.....thought she was farther along? Maybe she is? You're putting the best take on it....it was happening any way...maybe some good will come out of this revelation.
Thinking of you, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Whoever made up the expression "the truth hurts" knew what they were talking about.
In looking at it positively...
I am a firm believer that if there is any chance for a serious, long lasting R, the truth HAS to come out.
Personally, I believe the truth usually does come out. Sometimes rearing its ugly head when we least expect it.
I would rather know the truth, than be led to believe one thing, only to find out a year, or 5 years, or ten or twenty years later that it was a lie.
Okay- the truth band aid has been ripped off, and it hurts. But now that its off, maybe some fresh air on the wound will help things to heal...
I was thinking back to December when I think you posted something about your W squeezing your hand under the table (I think during Christmas dinner?). Even in the throes of an A, she was still connected to you, still looking towards that man who has been such a stable force in her life.
I guess a challenge now (and I think about this all the time) is how do you balance being non-judgemental, compassionate and loving WHILE not making it "too easy" to reconcile? I honestly don't have the answer to that one.
You did great T, you really did. I'm proud of you
Take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to go somewhere to have a screaming, crying, stomp around while blasting Soundgarden let all those emotions out episode.
Oh, and keep us posted. We're here for you
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
T I'm impressed with how you've handled all of this. You are amazing. It made me think about some previous reading I've done, where it was said that when a spouse comes out of MLC, how much more appreciative and committed they are to the LBS. How could they not be, unless they remain stuck in their madness? I don't imagine ever finding someone who would forgive me for something like this, that people with that amount of compassion exist. It would take near perfect love. Maybe something like this makes us realize how much we really do love them. You are a rare man T^2, and your W will fully realize that someday.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Thinking of you, T^2, and wondering how you're getting along and managing with this latest news.
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thank you everyone for you support, condolences (lol) and affirmations, I REALLY appreciate it!!!
I am moving through my feelings about it, sometimes have that "sinking" in the chest feeling, or gripping in the gut, but...keeping the bigger picture in mind. And work has been very busy, so that has helped keep my mind occupied. I am grateful that I accepted this possible reality 18 months ago, practice DOES help at least blunt the pain. That and understanding her past, what is REALLY driving this, help me find true forgiveness.
I surprised myself at some of my knee jerk reactions when in private...the old male insecurity of wondering if he (them) were "better, bigger, longer-lasting and wealthier"...I guess that's pretty deeply wired in to the ego...<gak> . And toying with the idea of having my own fling or two, all that celibacy for nothing, why not? sort of thinking...but I am pretty much past that. Funny co-incidence, I dug into my old vinyl LP collection this weekend (now that I have man cave back)...Pink Floyd's "A Momentary Lapse of Reason" was right there with "Rumors" by Fleetwood Mac in the front...
At home I am trying to not think of it, doing a lot of acting "as if" it is long gone water over the dam. My reading in infidelity and mlc urge me to be accepting, non-judgemental, if I want to help her heal and move forward. It does seem like there is a more "open" air to our communication the past couple of days, our interactions have been honest, airing those little things that annoy us or keep us from communicating openly. She has been very open regarding other things like "reaching out" when she feels lonely, trying to connect, via email for the most part...its a start...
Some open emails between us today, touching on this revelation and it's implications like changing phone numbers and stuff, partly to save $$, partly for the "other" reasons...she volunteered some info, there will be more so I am waiting to here back before commenting or allocating much brain space to it.
rH--I think she is farther along, this was maybe just addiction and "getting the last one in while she can before quitting" sort of thing...(?) If so, I get that, before I started on my drinking reform I did have quite a "fun" weekend, and every time I would quit smoking I would smoke twice as much as my usual the days before quit day. She told me that she was feeling not good about it, and it was "occasional", whatever that means to her. Idk, the answers will come I have learned...
TVS--Guess I get how you feel much better now, eh? It does change how I view W, at least temporarily. And you are absolutely correct...the truth wants to be free and will find a way to come out. And I am relieved that the PA question is no longer floating out there in brain space, a small piece of "limbo" is gone now. If you discover the answer to "how do you balance being non-judgemental, compassionate and loving WHILE not making it "too easy" to reconcile?" do share...
PW--Sorry I haven't posted to your latest, I don't have much for words to post to others these days, sitch weary I suppose, I have read and I am happy for you...you too have done more than you thought you could, yes? I think so!
FY--Thank you, I think of you and hope W is progressing, we do have slow, cautious ones (W's), don't we?
Raine--Thank you, I also hope that if we make it through this that things will be deeper...and people like that do exist, heck, just look in your mirror!
I really like how everyone's sitches contribute to my wisdom search to custom craft a fine work of DB'ing...and the support.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, I'm glad she finally broached the subject w/you. This was weighing heavily on her mind for a long time and she has finally reached the stage whereby she felt safe in disclosing the info to you. God has a way of working miracles and because she had to have the gyn panel done, she knew she had to finally come "clean" and share some of what had happened.
From your posting, you had mentioned thinking about going out and having your own fling. I know you were just "thinking" about it as a knee jerk reaction, but, keep in mind, two wrongs do not make a right. Had you reacted any differently than what you have thus far, she would have been convinced that the marriage was over. T, the time for healing has begun. The ugly truth has been revealed and now you and your wife must find a way to heal the "rift" that her mlc addition has created.
I know her actions have sent you into a tailspin, but you can't judge her as that is not your role in life. Your role in life is to foregive her and show her unconditional love. We are all human and we are all prone to make mistakes. Your wife will learn from her mistakes and come to see that you and your relationship are the most precious gems in her tiara. The guilt of what she's done will continue to eat at her and that is enough punishment for her to deal with at this time.
Her affair was not about you, it was about something that was missing within her. So, do yourself a favor and rein in your ego. If it had been about you, your wife would have been long gone and trust me, she knows that she has a good man as her husband.
As time moves along, she will share more with you, but you will need to stay calm and listen to what she has to share with you. This a very important time in her recovery and you are her rock. If you truly love this woman, do not shake the foundation at this time. She needs to continue to feel safe in order to reveal the rest of her crisis story to you. Dig deeper for patience and ask God to give you the strength to listen and be there for her.
T, I know you can do this. You are stronger than you think. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes Snodderly, it was just a thought in a few minutes of anger, I was surprised that I HAD the thoughts, I thought I was "beyond" that "consideration"...just like I didn't think I would have an inferiority concern...but I did...both are passed and working on the healing and doing as you advised.
When I wrote earlier on Friday:
Quote:
I am still not pressuring, letting her lead...my 3 month check-in is due soon, I know my answer...no desire or pressing need to quit or "move on"...what's another 90 days for a possible 20-40 years more in the big scheme...low cost, so I'll buy... wink
This was written a couple hours after the breaking of the lab results...and I still feel that way, just had to move through some feelings....sneaky, tricky ego got me for a few minutes... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
