Sailing, I know what you mean by saying that you are so sad that you can't help her. I feel the same way. My W told me at the beginning of our sitch that I can't "fix" everything. She was upset that I couldn't just listen to her problems and not try to help fix something. This is definitely part of my 180's.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
It's so tough to just watch these things and not want to help. You always hear that this is when you should love someone the most when they are struggling, but they don't want it from us. Just tough. My W is clearly depressed and happy in general. She solely thinks that finding the right horse will make her happy. She and my son are living at her moms and her mom says she has never seen someone sleep so much and do so little. Yet the wife continues to say she is happy when everyone else that is close and knows her, knows that's not the case. But only she can want to do something about it.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I've learned much from this board, and think that others can read my story and maybe learn something.
So last night, my wife didn't really want to talk about anything -- and I didn't pressure her to talk. Yet today, I get another email. So now I realize, that talking is too hard for her but email is easier. I think I read in the DB book that this can happen with communication -- if not in person, via email, phone, or something else.
To Grizz and cbtdad, yes I now understand what others say when the MLC spouse is in a "fog" or "tunnel". My wife's emails are incoherent and in some ways out of touch with reality. But this is how she sees the world. It is difficult to accept that this person who was rational and grounded now thinks like this...
Anyway, her last email was much more encouraging in tone, suggesting "but not saying" that she may be ready to work on the marriage. We'll see. So far its been 2 steps forward, 1 step back.
Sailing, you realize that if she is in MLC that this could take years for her to get through, and that nothing you do can "fix" things for her? She is on her own journey for answers right now, you have to except this and work on building happiness and fulfillment in your own life.
I hope you are reading and learning about MLC. Do your homework, let her go. Play your cards right and she may be back. This is my plan right now.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
ForeverYoung, yes I realize that if this is MLC, then it will take a long time. I've tried to think through when maybe things started to change. Not sure it is a helpful approach. I would say small changes as long as 3 years ago, but things really started to change about 1 year ago with her.
My wife has continued the emails. We are negotiating over how many nights out she will go the gym, and also her going out afterwards with her "gym friends" who are 80% male. Essentially my wife is telling me "this is what I'm going to do, otherwise I need to leave the relationship."
In our last conversation on the topic, I validated what she was saying. I said, "I understand where you're coming from" ... I asked if she understood me because she never really responds to what I say. She said yes, but I don't think she really thinks about it.
Also to make her point she likes to remind me that she is "not in love with anybody right now" "has thought about divorce for years..." and other similar stuff. -- All very depressing.
W was out of town on a business trip for one week of training. She hates going. On her previous trip, she left her pocketbook in the cafeteria, and it was stolen with all her stuff, including a nice wallet that a friend gave her. In discussion with my DB coach, we concluded her love language is "gift giving". When she was leaving on this trip, I gave her a gift certificate to buy a replacement wallet.
I'm a little confused on finding the balance between not pursuing and showing love through her love language. In this case, I'm going to try giving small gifts for a couple of weeks because it is a 180 for me.
A few nights before my wife went on her trip, she went to the gym as usual, but didn't come home right away -- instead, my guess is she went out for drinks with her gym buddies for about 1-hour.
When she returned home, I was watching TV. I purposely didn't ask her where she was. I said hi, but kept watching TV. It's tough to hide what I'm really felling from her; afterall, we've been married for 20 years. I was sad.
In the morning, she asked me what was wrong? The first time, I said, "nothing." She then asked if I was angry with her? and finally I said, "no, I'm not angry, I was just disappointed in her."
Well that afternoon I get an email from her that she was having a hellish day, was sorry she disappointed me, and that she has no friends to talk intimately about her problems with. She also wrote that "she is happy that I'm on a mission to rebuild my life" etc. So I know that she sees the GAL and 180's that I've been doing. However, she also interprets it as me "moving away from her."
Then when she was away on her trip, I got more emails where she said she doesn't love anyone right now, that she needs to go out, and if I don't like it she can move out, but then she also mentioned she is "on a path back to me"
After about the 4th email, I didn't respond to her because in every email in order to justify her actions she said something to the effect that she hasn't loved me for a long time, that divorce was always in the back of her mind, etc. It just got me down, so I didn't respond. So she called me early in the morning and got me just as I was arriving to work. I didn't feel like talking to her, so I must have seemed a little distant, and I ended the conversation after about 5 minutes.
About half an hour later, I decided to call her and explain that I didn't feel like talking at the time, but I now do. So we spoke for about 45 minutes, mostly about non-relationship stuff. Later that night she called again, and apologized and told me that "things will be OK"
I guess this is what people mean when they say it is a rollercoaster.
The first three days she was back was good. There was some intimacy in conversation as well as non-sexual touch. She had bought Victoria's secret underwear while away and showed it to me the first night. (she also bought a lot of stuff while away, since the BD she essentially spends her entire salary on herself).
No relationship talk, but we did talk about some future things like a kitchen remodel that she postponed in the depth of our problems. I also asked her for the first time if she would join me and my girls at a beach house in June with my parents and sister's family. I made these plans without consulting her, but she knew about it. She said she would get the time off from work.
So for 3 days, things are good, then on the 4th day, I actually book our flight reservations. I email her the itinerary for her records and to correct the dates since what I told her was wrong. No reply from her.
I wonder if the act of actually booking the travel makes her feel more trapped?
