Strange evening with W. She actually pushed and insisted on sitting down together and planning a vacation. So, we did. At one point she teased that I would be making all the sandwiches and taking care of the boys during the trip (like last year). I laughed and said I knew there was an angle on why she wanted to go with me. She said, "I don't hate you. It's good for the boys, and we've never been on a vacation with just the four of us. Maybe we'll have a renewal or reconciliation." I said well, that would be nice.
We then discussed replacing my truck and the finances involved. She insisted that I get a new one, and that she would help pay for it. Then she asked about whether or not we are current on our tithes at church. In the next breath she said i bet you regret spending money on me last year, as if to say it was a waste of my time. To me, it was just a weird discussion considering the current state of our marriage. At some point, she said that having her time away at night is saving her life. I'm really hoping that she will stop taking the anti-D. I would love to see if that changed her for the better.
This morning she came in complaining about being tired. She said she went to bed at 3:30 this morning. Couldn't explain why other than to say she had stuff on her mind.
If I explained the actions of my W to anyone else they would think I was making this stuff up. Who could be so inconsistent with their words/deeds? I'm so thankful that I found this board and have people who can read this and recognize that her behavior is "normal."
I have to remind myself to expect nothing. She already has plans for going out Saturday night. I'm starting to think its not so much like a roller coaster, but more like a washing machine in the agitator cycle. Quick, sudden changes in direction that keep your head and heart spinning.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
We then discussed replacing my truck and the finances involved. She insisted that I get a new one, and that she would help pay for it.
Careful here. Might be best to not get into anything financial that you can't handle on your own.
Originally Posted By: Mtnman
I'm starting to think its not so much like a roller coaster, but more like a washing machine in the agitator cycle. Quick, sudden changes in direction that keep your head and heart spinning.
I like your analogy!!
Keep the GAL up and the expectations down
Hang in there MtnMan.
Have a good day
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
We then discussed replacing my truck and the finances involved. She insisted that I get a new one, and that she would help pay for it...
That's pretty astonishing MM, that is essentially a convo W and I had the day after BD...Let's get you a car after Xmas! I asked how smart would it be for me to take on more debt with someone who was insisting on divorce in addition to a host of other batsh#t things only the day before? No thank you. Watch your back, it's the guilt talking, doesn't mean a thing except she is still likely intent on leaving you with you nice shiny new toy. J
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
Fun weekend. Me and the boys rode dirt bikes Saturday morning and then went to a basketball game last night. Time change caused a little more attitude from the boys getting ready for church, but we survived. Sermon was about how Jesus protects us under his wings like a mother hen. Wished W had been there to hear it. Frisbee football this afternoon. I really am enjoying the chance to take aggression out. It is a lot of fun.
Got a text from W asking how church and boys were. Said "I miss y'all." I hope she does. We really miss her too. All of us.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Been a really busy couple of days. Got home on Sunday and had a good evening with the family. At one point W says to me, well when I move back in looks like you'll have things under control. I just laughed and said I hope so. She ended up cleaning house and doing laundry. Weird.
Monday a friend of W called to say she was praying for us, and that W tells her she isn't going to divorce me. I thanked her and told her we shouldn't be talking and just be a good friend to W. it was nice to hear but I take it for what it's worth. That evening W cooked while I did school project with youngest. It was a nice evening.
Yesterday W texted me most of the afternoon just about gossip stuff. Things were really good. Went to her dr appt and things blew up. Dr talked to her about drinking, how I was being both father and mother to S's, and her actions. She blasted me as the source. I am not. It's small town, there are no secrets and everyone knows what she's up to. I caught venom for a while and she made several threats about moving away, confronting S's with truth, making me leave home, etc.. She finally calmed down but it was not fun.
I used it as a chance to tell her that I was concerned about her drinking, but noticed that she wasn't drinking as much (she's not). Told her I had seen positive changes in her in the last few weeks and she needed to calm down. I told her that her dr is concerned about her and she needed to take it that way.
One stressful evening!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Mtn, your W is not ready to take responsibility for the pain she is in, so anyone trying to 'fix' her will be lashed out at, as you have seen. Remember, in her mind you (and maybe a few others) are the problem, not her. There realy is no way to convince her otherwise, so don't even try! (and tell others who mean well not to also)
The more people tell her what she "should" do, the more she'll want to run.
The doctor telling her about her drinking problem is good, even she knows she can't argue with that. But the stuff he said about you being father and mother should not be any of his business! I don't see how that could help.
Telling her you noticed and were pleased about the reduction of her drinking was good. But be very careful about telling her what she needs to do. That will be seen as pressure and only push her away.
It sounds like your're holding up well. Good job, sir!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks FY. It appears I'm going to catch the heat for anyone that tries to fix her. I've told everyone that's mentioned her sitch to me to just be a good friend and not to push. I, of course, no longer give advice to W. In one of the pinned threads an h says chicks love scars, to which AmyC replies keep telling yourself that. Lesson learned by this ole boy.
I'm already dreading this summer. How fair is it that I will have to see the W running around in shorts and tank tops? Going to be brutal unless I can get her to winter with me in Argentina.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Fun weekend with my boys. Baseball all day Saturday, with W sunbathing nearby. It was truly like old times except for when the playing was over. I see so much of the true W right now that it really hurts. Several times I expect her to just grab me or blurt out that she's moving back in. It's very encouraging to feel that way but then hurts at the same time.
Sunday was church. W went with us. She really listened to the sermon, tithed, and even commented to the pastor about how much she enjoyed the service. We found ourselves whispering to each other at several times during the service and laughing (children's msg). Afterwards, the boys and I went and played football, soccer and softball with a group of other people. It was a lot of fun but I'm paying for it today.
I find myself being able to escape while playing, but going back into the dumps when it's over. I still experience so much hurt when I'm alone.
Watched the "Survive and Advance" 30 for 30 on ESPN last night. I got so much encouragement from it. All the discussions about believing in miracles, keep fighting, never loose hope and never giving up. It spoke to me.
"Don't give up! Don't ever give up!" - Jim Valvano
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
