Thanks

[PatientMan]

Not much of an update. I've been REALLY busy, but my thoughts are still consumed by her and our situation. I was reading adinva's thread and found this from Accuray:

My biggest fear going through this process has been that if our marriage ends in D, that I will not find another person who I will feel as attracted to as I do to my W.

I have so many similarities to so many people's situations on here it is eery sometimes, but this is definitely one of my "fears", if that's what I want to label it. I have been completely in love with my wife from Day 1, and I have never thought or day-dreamed about what life would have been like with someone else, or if we had never gotten together, or if we had broken up at some point. Other women just have never been on my radar. I'm not saying I don't recognize an attractive woman (I am a functional male being ), but for me there has always been her...and then everyone else. I never had a serious relationship before her and have never considered one since. I really don't even know if other women are attracted to me. At various points in the past I have been told I was being "hit on" and I had absolutely no idea...my brain just doesn't function in a way that receives those signals. I never wanted "out" of my marriage - though my actions did a poor job of reflecting that for a while - and I never thought that "we" - the combined unit of "us" - was breakable (a catastrophic error in judgement; I used that error as my crutch while I refused to fix my own problems).

And I've done enough reading to know there are many here in my situation. It's just difficult to detach. I know I must, I just don't quite know how yet. At times I think I am figuring it out and at other times I still feel lost.

My approach is still the same.

• I am focusing on being someone only a fool would leave. W occassionally brings up D talk to discuss details, but I am at least past the point where this throws me off my game. It isn't "fun" to talk about, but I'm not going to let it ruin me or my day.
• I never brought up contact with OM. I don't see the upside. Even if I decide that is the line and it has been crossed, I will simply act that out instead of telling her. She'll eventually get the message and I do not need to fuel her fire or muddy up the path home by instigating a known disagreeable confrontation.
• I'm working on me. I need to be the best person and father I can be regardless of W's choices.
• Act "as if" (emphasis a lot of the time on "Act")
• Never give up. Have hope, but not expectations.
• Give her space, but don't abandon or withdraw from her. (tough balancing act for me)
• Do not allow her to control my emotions (doing well on the outside, not so well on the inside)

I feel like I know a lot of what I am supposed to be doing, it's just a matter of doing it. I do think I'm afraid to detach and find out who I am without her. I talked about my roadblock in my last post and I'm kinda stuck there. I have been pondering whether I should call a DB coach. A seemingly stiff monetary price for a few phone calls (and I'm worried I won't be able to fully contextualize my situation in such a brief time), but it's a terribly small pittance in the currency of my marriage, my wife, and my life. Of course, maybe I am still unhealthy in my ways of not being able to let go. This is all so confusing sometimes.

Anybody reading this?