A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[keep_going]

Thanks to everyone who has chimed in with so much good insight.

I guess I have to again go back to the article 25 posted on forgiveness and what they are currently discussing about acceptance and forgiveness on her thread.

VALESKA – You asked what “trying it all” means to me.

I am trying to listen to all of you and be more compassionate towards myself and really determine what is it that I can do at this point, given my situation. Perhaps I am not in a place of forgiveness for my H’s actions and hurt. Perhaps all I can offer right now is acceptance of what is. (Ad expressed this very clearly in her post in 25’s thread).

Like LABUG says, perhaps forgiveness will have to come to me with time?. Not sure how, but I see it as a Let Go and Let God issue. Thank you LABUG for reminding me that when things seem more than we can handle, it’s ok to let go.

SAYITAINTSO – Your questions really jolted me, so thank you for giving me that new perspective. No, I would not expect anyone here, nor my kids to be able to do certain things at this time. Thanks for letting me identify how the “black & white” side of me, the “tough” KG takes over my thinking process.

So if I asked the “tough” me, “trying it all” would be to reach FORGIVENESS and actually be happy for H that he is taking this trip. I do believe that his job situation has been weighing heavily on him and I think he is trying to escape it all even if for a few days and release some pressure. Yet the side of me that is telling me to take care of myself says that if I cannot feel sincere happiness for his trip, that’s ok. That I should strive for ACCEPTANCE and just not react negatively when he brings it up and if I don’t have anything good to say, just don’t say anything at all.

TALLULA – This is where I am trying to find self-forgiveness. Thank you for cheering me on in my journey and helping me focus on the positives.

On some level, my current state of mind seems somewhat surreal to me. When I don’t interact with H, my life is great. I feel at peace, I enjoy my life, my other relationships, my kids. I genuinely have fun and I feel positive about the future. I GAL, I try to be a better person with others and I try not to focus on the stresses of my life and our D.

Yet it all comes crashing down when we interact and there are triggers or disagreements. We share practically nothing except 5-minute kid exchanges characterized by small talk and we still have about one major, huge blow-up a month… I know that a lot of our bad interactions are currently related to our D, which has now taken front stage, but still…


BUSTING, I wished I could say that I have addressed H’s complaints, but I have not and that is why I say I have not given my all to be my best. “Trying it all” in the end would mean that I can have a R with my H where I don’t argue with him, where I don’t react to things he does, but can compassionately keep my mouth shut and avoid escalation. It would mean that I would show appreciation for all he does for his kids and me; that I would respect his decisions, where I would not react to triggers about OW. It would mean that I can really co-parent with him and start building a friendship with him. It would mean that I can love him enough to be happy for him and his new life. That would also show self-respect, in my mind.

I look at people like Crimson - there is a guy that puts all the past and present hurt and pain aside and finds the strength and calm to act lovingly toward his now XW, regardless of what she does. He shows with his daily actions his love for her and his son. That is a guy that no matter what happens with his XW, can always look in the mirror and say “I tried it all. I did my best” I want to get there too! And honestly, I am afraid, no - terrified, to discover that I don’t have what it takes to get there and be that loving despite of everything. There is that fear again…

Thanks again to all of you for letting me express myself and for trying to help me see things clearly.