Great thread idea, Denver. I think one of the common mistakes that LBSs make is that they take on the ENTIRE BURDEN of trying to "fix" everything, and operate from a basic assumption that they MUST have been a horse-*$%t spouse for their spouse to do this to them.
I would disagree that this is a mistake. I've been told once or twice that I was being too hard on myself and should be aware that this is partially H's fault. Believe me I was aware of that. What I did not have outside of the boards was anyone willing to force me to take a hard look at myself. That's what you get here. When you say they take on the ENTIRE burden I say that is necessary and inevitable because they are the one trying to improve their relationship, the only one. The entire burden that will get picked up, is going to be picked up by them. It's tough but it's life. At the time they join here their WAS is not going to pick up any of the burden, so are you going to make it a game of chicken or are you going to get busy on your own stuff? And no harm in improving things that didn't actually end up being the cause of your WAS. Why do the minimum?
It is not productive to reassure yourself that it's not all your fault. It is productive to stop beating yourself up over your faults and start working on them.
And about it being HARD and PAINFUL and not something you'd go back and do again? Probably 50% of us here are moms, ask us about childbirth one day. I would absolutely do this again if it becomes necessary, and I think you would too. Just my 2 cents.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
