Thank you everyone for you support, condolences (lol) and affirmations, I REALLY appreciate it!!!
I am moving through my feelings about it, sometimes have that "sinking" in the chest feeling, or gripping in the gut, but...keeping the bigger picture in mind. And work has been very busy, so that has helped keep my mind occupied. I am grateful that I accepted this possible reality 18 months ago, practice DOES help at least blunt the pain. That and understanding her past, what is REALLY driving this, help me find true forgiveness.
I surprised myself at some of my knee jerk reactions when in private...the old male insecurity of wondering if he (them) were "better, bigger, longer-lasting and wealthier"...I guess that's pretty deeply wired in to the ego...<gak> . And toying with the idea of having my own fling or two, all that celibacy for nothing, why not? sort of thinking...but I am pretty much past that. Funny co-incidence, I dug into my old vinyl LP collection this weekend (now that I have man cave back)...Pink Floyd's "A Momentary Lapse of Reason" was right there with "Rumors" by Fleetwood Mac in the front...
At home I am trying to not think of it, doing a lot of acting "as if" it is long gone water over the dam. My reading in infidelity and mlc urge me to be accepting, non-judgemental, if I want to help her heal and move forward. It does seem like there is a more "open" air to our communication the past couple of days, our interactions have been honest, airing those little things that annoy us or keep us from communicating openly. She has been very open regarding other things like "reaching out" when she feels lonely, trying to connect, via email for the most part...its a start...
Some open emails between us today, touching on this revelation and it's implications like changing phone numbers and stuff, partly to save $$, partly for the "other" reasons...she volunteered some info, there will be more so I am waiting to here back before commenting or allocating much brain space to it.
rH--I think she is farther along, this was maybe just addiction and "getting the last one in while she can before quitting" sort of thing...(?) If so, I get that, before I started on my drinking reform I did have quite a "fun" weekend, and every time I would quit smoking I would smoke twice as much as my usual the days before quit day. She told me that she was feeling not good about it, and it was "occasional", whatever that means to her. Idk, the answers will come I have learned...
TVS--Guess I get how you feel much better now, eh? It does change how I view W, at least temporarily. And you are absolutely correct...the truth wants to be free and will find a way to come out. And I am relieved that the PA question is no longer floating out there in brain space, a small piece of "limbo" is gone now. If you discover the answer to "how do you balance being non-judgemental, compassionate and loving WHILE not making it "too easy" to reconcile?" do share...
PW--Sorry I haven't posted to your latest, I don't have much for words to post to others these days, sitch weary I suppose, I have read and I am happy for you...you too have done more than you thought you could, yes? I think so!
FY--Thank you, I think of you and hope W is progressing, we do have slow, cautious ones (W's), don't we?
Raine--Thank you, I also hope that if we make it through this that things will be deeper...and people like that do exist, heck, just look in your mirror!
I really like how everyone's sitches contribute to my wisdom search to custom craft a fine work of DB'ing...and the support.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
