I think the line between "acceptance" and "forgiveness" is a razor's edge...
For me, and I am one of those that never got an apology , acceptance was a struggle daily, and it was something that I had to think about. It wasn't easy, yet I noticed that when I stopped thinking about it so much, and started just living the acceptance, that I had actually forgiven....
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But in my clinical practice of 35 years (mostly working with couples recovering from infidelity), I've found that when someone acts in a hurtful way and isn't able or willing to make meaningful repairs -- for example, a partner cheats, remarries and shows no remorse -- the hurt party chokes on the idea of forgiveness. This makes sense to me. Why are we preaching only to the hurt party? Why not turn to offenders and ask them to earn forgiveness?
The professionals also tell us that we need to forgive in order to heal our wounds and get on with our lives. That's dubious advice, too. Forgiveness that is not earned is what I call "cheap forgiveness."
Until now, there has been no healthy alternative, nothing that lies between the fluffy, inspirational concept of "pure" forgiveness (asking nothing in return) and the hard, cold-hearted response of not forgiving.
What I've developed is a radical, healthy alternative to forgiving that I call "acceptance."
Acceptance is a healing alternative that asks nothing of the offender. When the offender is not sorry, or is not physically available -- when he or she is unable or unwilling to make meaningful repairs -- it is not the job of the hurt party to forgive. But it is the job of the hurt party to rise above the violation and heal him or herself.
This ^^^ is powerful , and brings up a lot of memories for me.
I guess forgiveness means something different for each of us....
Oh....and I am right there with ya on this...
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Two other thoughts.
I swear I believe if you do not forgive, you are holding onto some pain or anger. Maybe I'm wrong...really. But I don't see how you can move forward & say "I do not forgive" and NOT also mean you are hanging onto the anger or pain, and
that cannot be good for YOU.
Second, forgiving has so little to do w/the other person TO ME. I would not even need to share the fact with the person who harmed me. I guess perhaps this is semantics. For me, it's about letting go...like I said, maybe this is more about semantics.
I have said a thousand times, that anger can be a good thing, as long as it is harnessed as a shield and not as a sword.
Anger is the great propellant to move us from one emotion, or stage, to the next.
A lot of time, when I found myself absorbed in anger, I would take a look to see what was around me at that time, and 99% of the time, I was moving through the process, and into the next stage.
Maybe holding on to the anger is the balance between acceptance and forgiveness ???
