Normal R's are. As my DB coach points out, we are not at that stage. We want to get to that stage, but to do so we have to show our spouse that we can connect with them in positive ways. The goal is to get to a point where you know he'll be there for you and you really feel comfortable dumping on him.
As to whether "dumping" on someone is okay in a more stable R, I think that's complex and depends on details. A spouse often feels good if they can support their significant other, but there has to be a connection, not just a feeling of being used as a punching bag, so to speak.
I learn so much here. Thanks. I felt like if it didn't work before it was obviously 'wrong' and needed to be done differently. My R was just unhealthy and needed to be better. 'Dumping' I refer to the moments when I want to call H and complain about the kids or work or whatever. Mostly about the kids. And tell kid stuff too. I really miss that connection because no one is invested in your kids like their other parent. Like I dropped D15 off for school orchestra overnight trip last weekend and she forgot her instrument and I had to race home and get it & return to school and the busses were waiting - I wanted to call H really bad then just to vent. And laugh about it after. Oh well.
labug, my D will have to take student loans for a small part of her schooling. She always knew that. And she has secured some sizeable scholarships. But her dad and I guaranteed her a certain amount per year. We weren't proactive with saving for their college because he has a very flexible job and a second income that was our vacation/fun money and our agreement was that we'd siphon that money to daughter's college and we really wouldn't have felt it in our day to day living. Not. Too. Smart. But regardless, there were vehicles to pay off and D17 car to buy & blah blah blah. That was the plan starting 2013.
Now he obviously needs that income to live since we are in two households. No more money for D17. And on top of that, he's been living with a friend for the past 8+ months and hasn't even had a reality check about how much it will truly cost to live a separate life. So we'll have to make other arrangements as many parents have, but we haven't been communicating that freely. And the truth is, I've been saving enough to pay for her first year, but am now having to save that money for a divorce lawyer instead. Lots to worry about right now.
