25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

Ad, I hear what you're saying. In your shoes, with everything still happening, I agree with what you are feeling OR I mean, I'd feel the same. For ME the start of forgiving was really just me letting of an an all consuming anger that harmed ME and MY LIFE...make sense?

Grzz, YES A lot of the forgiving part is right out of DBing. Agreed. And what I TRY to do or preach.

The distinction SEEMS to be more about an inbetween "level" she calls "acceptance". And it could apply to say, my dad. He's dead now and though I did forgive him for his actions while he lived, I processed *& continued to forgive him after he died, so I'm not sure how that would apply. Maybe she'd say I "accepted" it more...??

Plus her example below, seems kinda darn easy on "John" who left his w for OW AND bad mouthed his w to boot, for no good reason. She's "okay" with his 3 sentence apology. Really? IS she calling it "genuine forgiveness"?

What about "the steps"? I guess I'm a tad confused BUT I do think she makes some good points about GUIDELINES for those who want to piece and need to get past a harm/wrong done.

HERE BELOW, in her example, the ex wife confronts her ex h after years have passed. He left her for OW and married OW. HE bad mouthed his ex.

Suddenly at their d's wedding they are forced together. He said "Oh btw, I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you". Sara (the ex w) was very touched and surprised.

Then she took the opportunity to ask him about the horrible LIES he made up about her to their d's at the time...she asked him why he did that and said how much worse his betrayal made everything for her...


John hesitated, then said, "It's true. I did do that. You know, I don't tend to dig deep into myself. But if I had to be honest, I'd say, after my affair, I was afraid the girls would love you more than me. I want you to know, though, they never fell for my manipulation. They love you too much. I'm really sorry." When the couple met up with their daughters, he apologized again to his wife and to his children.

This is the work of genuine forgiveness. It asks the offender to pay attention to the feelings of the person he or she hurt, take responsibility for the damage caused, offer a meaningful apology and perform concrete acts of repair. It's not a gift from the heart or mind of the hurt party alone.

Genuine forgiveness is a lot like love. We can love or forgive someone alone, someone who doesn't deserve our love or forgiveness (we've all been in those relationships.) But doesn't it feel more satisfying, more genuine, more all-embracing, when the person we love or forgive treats us with acts of consideration and tender regard? Even if it's with an unfaithful or divorcing partner.


I totally agree that genuine forgiveness is a lot like love. But how is "John"s words of apology matching the rest of the article?

It's not a biggie, just trying to understand exactly what she means.

Two other thoughts.

I swear I believe if you do not forgive, you are holding onto some pain or anger. Maybe I'm wrong...really. But I don't see how you can move forward & say "I do not forgive" and NOT also mean you are hanging onto the anger or pain, and

that cannot be good for YOU.

Second, forgiving has so little to do w/the other person TO ME. I would not even need to share the fact with the person who harmed me. I guess perhaps this is semantics. For me, it's about letting go...like I said, maybe this is more about semantics.

And recently I said that

sometimes your spouse does something that changes how you see them. Those times, somewhere inside you, you know you'll never see them the same way again. And you feel sad about it b/c something inside has shifted....

is that UNforgiving?