A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[2chiquitos]

NG! You are a wealth of knowledge!! Love having you as a friend ;-)

KG! Mujer take a warm bath with candles and a glass of wine! I would love to do that! As a matter of fact, do it FOR me (I don't have a bathtub ;-)

I hate when WAS' say that the little ones are resilient! SIGH!!

***Take care of your side of the street.***

You're doing awesome!

[keep_going]

Thanks again, guys for the support and encouragement.

Bug - thanks for your words of encouragement on the issues with my D4. It reminds me that no matter what age, we will always face challenges as parents and yes, we need to deal with them the best way we can, and the more tools we have for that, the better off we will all be. Your journey continues to be a source of inspiration for me.

Tallula – Thanks for stopping by. You have your hands full yourself. I just want you to know that you are light years ahead of me in terms of your strength, insight and growth compared to where I was at that point in my sitch. So keep the efforts and hard work going, because you are only going to become stronger and make a good life for you and your kids!

NG, Accuray & 2Ch – Thank you guys for the support. You have been here for me for a long time now and I always find comfort in your words. I do feel cared for and even a seemingly simple “Yea!” makes me smile and brings me peace and encouragement.

[keep_going]

Journaling...

I have been really trying to focus on my life, my kids, my GAL and put my R with H on the back burner. Unfortunately, not thinking or talking about the dysfunction, doesn’t make the issues go away.

So tonight I had to bring up 25s post / article on forgiveness from her own thread…

I read the article twice.

The first time I read it, I was focusing on my H…On the hurt he has inflicted on ME and our kids, with what I perceive as his infidelity and abandonment at the most critical point of our M and our lives. As I read, the sense of self-righteousness, hurt, anger and a victim mentality invaded me all over again, just like it has for most of my interactions with my H for the last 2+ years. I thought of his lack of remorse and I cried for the apology that has never come and will probably never come my way.

And then I read it again - and my thinking changed... I thought of the hurt I inflicted on HIM, that pushed him to leave me, that paved the way for him to find support and love elsewhere since he had not felt with me for years. And I cried again. I cried for my lack of true remorse, for the apology that I gave him that could never ring true to him since my actions have not backed it up for the 2-years+ he has been gone.

The article says it all:
“This is the work of genuine forgiveness. It asks the offender to pay attention to the feelings of the person he or she hurt, take responsibility for the damage caused, offer a meaningful apology and perform concrete acts of repair.”

I have not been able to conquer my demons and repair the damage with concrete acts.

“To earn forgiveness, offenders must perform bold, humble and heartfelt acts of repair, such as bearing witness to the pain they caused, delivering a meaningful apology, rebuilding trust, and addressing those vulnerabilities that led them to mistreat the hurt party, so that they never violate that person again.”

So I remind myself that his behavior, his lack of remorse and ultimately, his moving on with someone else to escape the pain I inflicted, is not only expected, but justified. I have truly not really earned his forgiveness.

- And so, today I struggle to prove sincere remorse, to prove that I want to really be forgiven.
- I also struggle with forgiving my H for the “wrong-doings” he has done to me
- And I struggle to forgive myself for failing at both of the above.

I truly believe the reason why I have not been able to let go, even after 2-years+, even when I believe my H will never come back, when I know that he is truly happy with OW and his new life, is because I cannot honestly say “I tried it all” and “I have no regrets.” I want to be able to look in the mirror and sleep well at night knowing that I fixed my mistakes and I truly tried my best to fix my M and be a wife that my H would be a fool to leave, regardless of if he does. And I am still so far away from reaching that point and that is why I cried when I read the article.

Thanks, 25 for sharing it.

[2chiquitos]

I want to know what are your plans. Not that I'm expecting you to have plans already but I am eager to see you develop. This is a huge milestone for you. As I heard someone say,
When you're raw it's not a bad thing because what follows is the healing.

Have a good night KG ;-)

[Valeska19]

Hmm - justified is a strong word.

I can see how anger pushes people away.. but that doesn't make your husband's actions justified.. or right. Your H is still an adult and could have made different choices.

I'm not saying to play the "who's right" game.. just stating that

Understanding is not condoning.

And Understanding can still lead down the road to empathy and forgiveness.

There is so much in your posts that remind me of my own.. only substitute anger with negativity and co-dependence.

There are times that I thought "I didn't try it all" so I get it.

What does trying it all mean to you? What haven't you done?

And I know how hard you want to change and show a new self...

but You are allowed to be angry.. you are allowed to feel pain. I don't see you as a woman who is living in these emotions...

.... Perhaps are you afraid that by expressing it even just a little - you will become the old KG?

Listen to me - KG.. you are very different from the woman I met 2 yrs ago. I do not see an angry woman only one who is filled with kindness and compassion. One who works hard on herself and admits when she is wrong.

.... do not lose sight of this because there are still setbacks.. or failures. Don't get frustrated for not being perfect. As my old pastor told me this morning at 6:30am - "Honey - you're not God".

You just also have to remember that you are in the middle of a D and for some weird reason - all your marriage problems come to the foreground.

You have read my sitch and have complimented me MANY times on how I handled things... my xw couldn't see it at that time... to be honest, I don't know if she ever did.

But it doesn't matter - because it wasn't about saving my marriage anymore.. it was about being the woman God intended me to be and to see if that was someone she wanted to be with......

... and for me - it wasn't.

But I am who I am... and you have to be who YOU ARE. You are a changed woman - Believe it to be true!!

Do you best to show the new you when the situations arrive whilst remembering to protect yourself, and your children

But honey be your best self for you - make amends for you.. Doing this is not selfish - it's eliminating the expectations that you have right now.. both for you and your H.

What you are doing here is working... for YOU.

Have faith now that everything may not work out the way you want it to, but will work out exactly the way it is supposed to.

(((( ))))

[keep_going]

2Ch – Thanks for stopping by. You are right – I am not 100% sure what my plans are yet because on some level I feel like I have tried everything and on another I feel like perhaps I have not put in the real deep work needed to overcome my demons and truly find compassion and forgiveness for my H.

I can do so when I don’t see him, when there are no triggers. Yet that doesn’t count in my book. I should be able to do so when I see him after learning that he posted a FB cover photo on Val’s Day where he and OW are together wearing matching shoes and clothing, on top of a hand-drawn heart on the ground. He never did anything like that with me.

I should also be able to be compassionate and not react when he tells me that he is going to Thailand for 10 days for the wedding of his best friend. I should be able to recognize that I am hurt because we had talked about going to visit that for years, yet never found the “right” time to do so and now I feel again hurt thinking that OW has yet again replaced me. I should be able to recognize that I am anxious because even though he is paying for the trip with his personal credit card, here we are – just 3 months away from being completely out of cash. It feels to me like such a lack of sense of urgency from him…It’s 10 days that he is not looking for a job, 10 more days that I have to continue not spending any money except for food, rent, gas and utilities.

To me forgiveness would be to be able to say to him – “I know the wedding of your best friend is important to you. I am glad you are going and that you can take a breather from all the pressure you have been living under since you lost your job” and actually mean it, instead of pointing out to him how irresponsible I think this all given our dire financial situation and how far off reality I think his thinking is.

Forgiveness would be to treat him nicely despite the fact that in every interaction, he cannot get away from me fast enough, he ignores me, interrupts me and flat out could care less about what I am talking about whether it is trivial or something of real concern re. our kids.

So I have to figure out a way to get there despite anything he does or says. So what is my plan?

I need to find the empathy and compassion to eventually get to forgiveness. I plan to re-read all R-talk emails and texts we’ve exchanged since DB. I know there are many, many complaints and expressions of hurt and anger in them from him and I need to put myself in his shoes again, like I did when he first dropped the bomb. That is my first step and my plan for right now.

Any other suggestions are welcome.


VALESKA – I also want to come back to your post and questions, but I have to go feed S1.

Love you guys! ((((2ch, Val))))

[labug]

I think you're asking a lot of yourself at this point in time.

What if you back-off from working on all this, learn to live your life without H, enjoy your children (I can't believe S is 1 already) and let forgiveness find it's way to you?

(Matching clothes and shoes, standing in a heart...really?)

[Tallula]

You latest journal entry has really struck a chord with me.

I have the pleasure, yes I have come to see it as a pleasure, of being a recovering alcoholic. For over 10 years I have excercised the process of owning my part in things, while having to put the wrongs of other out of my mind. Is it easy? Absolutely NOT! And it is a process. It' s not quick and painless. It's a 2 steps forward, 5 steps back type of thing.

I do believe that my work on my sobriety has lent itself to my picking of of the DB principles. I spent years blaming others for my problems. Even if my part in a situation is minor compared to anothers, what good does it do me to sit and keep pointing at them "BUT YOU DID THIS!!!" Now, it doesn't do me good...but it sure feels good. It's a hard thing to pull yourself out of. That was the last year of my M. As my H's affair got deeper, our problems just escalated. I see that now, and I also see how I contributed to so many of our problems, simply by constantly deflected "But YOU are doing XYZ!" I didn't know about the OW then, but I was knee deep in focusing on my H and all his defects. I was in a dark place. He was doing the same with me. It was a fun time.

It would be easy to say your H is a total jerk and poor you. Hey, I try that suit on, I DO! But you haven't done that! You look within, admit your mistakes. Most people won't do that.

As much as you need to forgive your H for your own happiness, you need to forgive yourself as well. This stuff is hard. It can break people. I've seen my sister's MIL find out about her H's affair and slowly disappear into the madness of wine and pills. She is a shell of a woman who has pushed all of her children away in a sea of self pity and resentment. And I get it. I do! You have not done that! You are a strong, amazing woman. I have read all of your sitch. Your strength and honesty are gifts. You have been a huge source of strength for me!! You have walked this crazy path with the best you have. Sometimes our best may not look great to everyone, especially ourselves. But it is our best. Which is something to be praised!!!

You kick butt!!!

[Tallula]

I think you're asking a lot of yourself at this point in time.

What if you back-off from working on all this, learn to live your life without H, enjoy your children (I can't believe S is 1 already) and let forgiveness find it's way to you?

(Matching clothes and shoes, standing in a heart...really?)

You last post came while I was typing mine. I agree with Labug. And the matching clothes...puke.

[sayitaintso]

Would you expect everyone else on here or in your shoes to do exactly what you say you should be able to do?

Would you expect your daughters or son to do what you say you should be able to do at this time if they were going through this?