A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[Tallula]

You latest journal entry has really struck a chord with me.

I have the pleasure, yes I have come to see it as a pleasure, of being a recovering alcoholic. For over 10 years I have excercised the process of owning my part in things, while having to put the wrongs of other out of my mind. Is it easy? Absolutely NOT! And it is a process. It' s not quick and painless. It's a 2 steps forward, 5 steps back type of thing.

I do believe that my work on my sobriety has lent itself to my picking of of the DB principles. I spent years blaming others for my problems. Even if my part in a situation is minor compared to anothers, what good does it do me to sit and keep pointing at them "BUT YOU DID THIS!!!" Now, it doesn't do me good...but it sure feels good. It's a hard thing to pull yourself out of. That was the last year of my M. As my H's affair got deeper, our problems just escalated. I see that now, and I also see how I contributed to so many of our problems, simply by constantly deflected "But YOU are doing XYZ!" I didn't know about the OW then, but I was knee deep in focusing on my H and all his defects. I was in a dark place. He was doing the same with me. It was a fun time.

It would be easy to say your H is a total jerk and poor you. Hey, I try that suit on, I DO! But you haven't done that! You look within, admit your mistakes. Most people won't do that.

As much as you need to forgive your H for your own happiness, you need to forgive yourself as well. This stuff is hard. It can break people. I've seen my sister's MIL find out about her H's affair and slowly disappear into the madness of wine and pills. She is a shell of a woman who has pushed all of her children away in a sea of self pity and resentment. And I get it. I do! You have not done that! You are a strong, amazing woman. I have read all of your sitch. Your strength and honesty are gifts. You have been a huge source of strength for me!! You have walked this crazy path with the best you have. Sometimes our best may not look great to everyone, especially ourselves. But it is our best. Which is something to be praised!!!

You kick butt!!!