15 Years married, both 42, son 10, daughter 4. We were madly in love when we were married. I still am. He was until about 1.5 year ago when he started signs of changes. More aggressive, meaner, and just got worse. I must admit I am not the easiest woman to deal with, but we grew a lot, and have been thought a lot. together. He works a lot, but loves to work. I had been trying to understand what was wrong with him for the past year, finally on November, after I really pushed him he said he did not love me romantically, and he wanted out. I have been in hell since then. Holidays were a nightmare. I was put on some medication. Once my doctor (and I) found the right medication, they stopped me from reaction. When I pulled my self together (little) I stopped crying in from him, and talked rationally and calmly. He blames me for everything, even mentions incidents from 15 years ago. He does not see how much we both had evolved in a positive way, and cannot remember that we were really happy, and could not stay away from each other (more him). Well, I accepted that the man who loved me is no longer in the house, and basically lost my life partner, and I cannot make this man change himself back to who he once was. When we talk, he always finishes by reminding that he will leave (when finances are in order, I would assume 6 months or so). So I never ask him if he will leave or he loves me, since I know his answer. I am quiet. We communicate on a as needed base. We eat as family. I spend my weekends at work. When I am in the same house I always risk to loose my nerves, and we both don't want that. Son knows, we had to tell him. He is very upset. During last relationship talk, I told him that many people (man and women) go through a phase around 40-50. They question their lives, relationships. I also added that just because he fells that way now, that will last. I said that, he was a great husband who always was there for me for 15 years (he was), and he deserved me waiting for him. I asked him not to rush into anything. He listened carefully, I know he will at least think and question himself. By the way, following my advice he started seeing a therapist, and he keeps going. I never asked how it was going, but he seems contents. We saw marriage counselor when hell broke loose. It was a disaster. We should have waited until I got myself together. It is extremely hard to live in the same house with him, but I am worried that once he leaves turning back would be even harder. What do you think?
_________________________ Me: 42 Him: 42 M: 15 years T: 16 S10, D4 H changing since Sept 2011, MLC very likely World exploded 9 Dec 2012
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to the board. Read some threads and you will quickly find you are not alone. We are all going through something similar. Your sitch sounds a lot like mine.
Read all you can and educate yourself. The most important thing right now is to take care of you!! (((MAD)))
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
It is extremely hard to live in the same house with him, but I am worried that once he leaves turning back would be even harder. What do you think?
Hi MaL, sorry to hear the sitch you're in. Please take care of yourself first. Read the links in cadets post.
The only thing I'd like to add, is hard as it can be, I truly feel it is better for the marriage if the MLC spouse remains in the home. You just have to learn how to give them LOTS of space. This is what I'm doing with my W, and I have plenty of hope for our future. Keep posting.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thank you all for your messages. They really do help especially when I doubt myself.
I tried "detach" before, but I was not sure it was the right action. But I believe it helps. When I detach, he starts to get closer, tiny bit. He at least tries to make sure I am okay. I sent H out with kids, and did housework, took a nap. They came, he called me when the dinner was ready.
There is a natural division of housework. He does most of the cooking, I do laundry, ironing, keeping place tidy, etc. We share tasks directly related to kids. We overlap of course.
We are both working full time. Sometimes I came to work just to stay away from him.
Cadet, I am reading your links. Thank you all so much.
_________________________ Me: 42 Him: 42 M: 15 years T: 16 S10, D4 H changing since Sept 2011, MLC very likely World exploded 9 Dec 2012
I am planning to take the kids away for couple days to a major city, about 5-6 hours away during spring brake. Do I involve him? Totally ignore him? Ask him if he want to come? Or should I let him plan it for us whether he comes or not? By the way, travel is part of his work, so he is more proficient in finding hotels, getting deals, etc.
_________________________ Me: 42 Him: 42 M: 15 years T: 16 S10, D4 H changing since Sept 2011, MLC very likely World exploded 9 Dec 2012
I was madly in love with my H. You will have to make enormous sacrifices right now even when he is hurting you the most. Dont kick him out even though its the "right thing" hang in there.
Check out the book this is not the season you think it is by Laura Munson.
So weird when they mention things from 15 years ago.
Would asking him for his help planning the vacation be stressful for him or would it feed his ego? If it would not be stressful for him, I would just ask in a casual way, maybe via email if that is casual for you guys.
Hang in there
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
The best advice I can give you is to let him control the contact. So if he is asking to help you then let him, but I would not call him to get him to help you.
Hope that makes sense.
Keep reading, there is one thread in the resources that has books that you can read. Make the library your best friend.
I try to read as much as I can, it helps. I have Michele's book.
I want to share with you my experiences with other people. In my case very few who know our situation. Including my doctor, they are all telling me that it will be fine, and I will be okay. Do they think that I don't know that? What also they don't know that, for 15 years I was loved, a lot, I loved tremendously. I had not only a lover, but a best friend, a life partner. Those are all gone. He was a great husband until this whole mess started, sometimes I wish the opposite, I was always proud of him (now he claims that I never appreciated him). I know that I will not die, not at least because of a heart break, but my life will never be the same... Don't ever tell me that it will be okay...
_________________________ Me: 42 Him: 42 M: 15 years T: 16 S10, D4 H changing since Sept 2011, MLC very likely World exploded 9 Dec 2012
