There aren't just 2 people involved in this decision, there are 3 and to take a nursing toddler away from his mother for that length of time is cruel to the child. Breastfeeding is about so much more than "the milk".
Sometimes abrupt weaning is necessary but only in extreme cases. I know that some courts have ruled on the side of the child in similar cases. I'm not implying that you should take this to court but that this is not about you and your H. It's about the best interests of your S.
If your child goes he will be one unhappy little camper. Perhaps your H doesn't realize that right now.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I see this too, is this decision in the best interest of S at this time?
I will not be attempting to take it to court...I think that H and I have the time and ability to discuss this further without me coming across pushy, it will take time and patients and great skill on my part to convey the need for S's best interests to be taken into consideration at this time.
I am not saying no to H taking S to see his family in the future but I do feel that S is to young to do the trip without me who is his primary caretaker and is still breastfeeding at this time. H had overnight with S this past weekend and the next three days S has wanted to nurse a great deal and has had bowel changes because of the lack of breastmilk.
I do not think H realizes the impact on S if he is away from me for that length of time, I think H see that he will be able to handel him and be able to care for him. If H and I were together at this time and making the trip I would concerned with my ability and H together to handle S on that long of a plane ride. Let alone the change in the schedule for S with the trip and reunion, S has been having issues with daylight savings time change the last couple of days. This trip is one from East Coast to Montana at least two-three planes.
Now may be a good time to set your first boundaries in regard to your mothering. Your H chose to leave his family. I'm sure he wants to maintain a bond with his S. But your responsibility is to your child and if you don't feel it's a good idea, it's your call. Especially for a nursing babe.
I don't see how it's a co-parenting issue. You can't just unplug the baby and expect him to be fine for H's sake. I'm sure it would be easier for H in many ways to have baby weaned, but is it best for baby?
If your son is still actively wanting to nurse, that means he's still getting something from the bond, either nourishment or emotionally.
You don't have to imply guilt or make it a power play. Just state that you thought about his request and don't feel it's in the best interests of your son right now. I think you're in canada? He can't take the child into another country without a notarized consent to travel from both parents anyways. Then put it aside and don't worry about that decision anymore. The stress isn't going to help you get through this time.
You're questioning your every move now because of the fragility of your marriage. But, imo, don't budge on your mothering standards.
My friend's H left right after her D was born and there was an outlined schedule for the first 6 years for visitation/co-parenting. No overnight visits until I think 2.5 years old. Look up online and see if you can find some other examples of parenting schedules for toddlers.
Or better yet, go get a free consultation with an attorney to find out exactly how to exert your mothering rights for a nursing babe. Your H has already consulted an attorney, you'll need to find out about protecting yourself.
Why do you fear an argument.? Express yourself calmly and ONLY talk about the breastfeeding.. (because again.. that is really the ground you have to stand on).
If he gets upset, stay calm. Understand his frustrations and say that you are just trying to talk about it.
(You never did answer my question about if it was just your decision or both of yours to be breastfeeding. )
Because if I was him, I would be upset too. The trip isn't next week, it's in 2 months and so there is time to wean your S. And I would be upset that you don't think I could handle my own child for a trip.
Look - your husband has a say. He chose to leave you and yes that does mean less time with his S, but not less responsibility or less say.
You don't get to be the only one making decisions for your child - unless your H was a dead beat dad which he isn't.
I mean - can't you at least consider working towards that? Can't you see how helpful and encouraging that would be?? How supportive?
and more importantly - help build a good co-parenting foundation?
You are saying no right now without actually admitting that it might be okay.
Even though you ideally want to keep breastfeeding, your S COULD be okay in 2 months.
And even though it is SCARY - your H COULD build towards keeping him for an extended period of time.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I think it's really idealistic to think that breastfeeding is a co-parenting decision. Sure, some parents have preschool planned and they agree on religion and discipline, but a lot of parents are flying by the seat of their pants and the point is - even if the dad did agree at one time long ago that breastfeeding was the best option - things change! The mom starts that commitment of feeding the baby and the dad doesn't have that same connection and of course it wouldn't matter to him if she continues. And it may matter to the mom more now than it did when she was pregnant. But what is 100% positive is that it matters to the baby. For his health and security and emotional needs.
It's a health issue for both mother and child. The benefits of long-term breastfeeding include decreased breast and ovarian cancers in mom, lower risk of metabolic syndrome disorders (heart disease and diabetes) to name a few.
For the child there are lower rates of infections, positive affect on gut and brain development (most of this is in the early months but we don't know how that translates to extended BFing), decreased diabetes and asthma and a recent study suggests decreased depression in adulthood. There is more, but you get the picture.
This is a health issue and should be approached in that way.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks for all the support and Val thanks for the other prospective.
I am in New England so it would not be across borders. As for S he is breastfeeding throughout the day and to go to bed and anywhere from 4-5am in the morning.
I did speak with an attorney today for a consult and he said because I mentioned S was breastfeeding that that was the reason a judge would frown upon S being brought to Montana.
As for me and H on breastfeeding it was always a given that I would and would continue to an appropriate time. The trip would be in another month from now.
And I must say trying to wean a child on your own with all the stress in my life along with S's right now with not having H around and with me trying to hold it together hour to hour is not good timing for weaning.
I do not object to H taking S to Montana sometime this summer or fall when S is older but S right now is under my care and is breastfeeding, H has only had one overnight on his own in the 18 months since S's birth.
It is an emotional bond between my S and I and is stronger because of breastfeeding.
I am prepared to have the discussion with H concerning the best interest for S at this time, does not mean it will change in the future it is the best interest in that S is stil breastfeeding at this time.
Val I do understand that it could go a long way in showing H trust in him...but I am not willing to put that before the needs of my S even if it might save my marriage.
There is no predetermined time to stop breastfeeding as there never was it was always what was best for S, typically in my family it is from 20-24 months.
