Remember that WAS will go for someone that strokes their ego. The OP isn't their ideal partner. They're just a band aid. Continue the relationship doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. OW is not someone he would be dating had he been in a healthy place in his life. Get my drift?
Long story short... She doesn't even reach the heals of your shoes. -that's a saying in Spanish ;-)
Also, if you haven't already done so. Don't let him explain or check in on you to see if you're ok. Change the subject or continue to avoid him if that's what you've been doing since before this cafe silliness.
I wish you could tell OW, go back to freakin high school!
2, This really did help - thank you very much!
You are right about the ego stroking that OW provides. STBX told me that that's what she gave him when i first discovered their A and he broke it off. He said she just flattered him non-stop and built up his ego.
Love the quote - can you give it to me in Spanish? Another little mantra to add to my collection that I can pull out in times of need.
Likewise for your suggestion to tell OW to "go back to freakin high school". So apt!
You were brilliant. They must have felt pathetic that you drove by without reacting. Here she is putting on show, rubbing his leg and the audience just keeps on moving.
They look like fools (or high schoolers) out there in front of the neighborhood cafe. I will pray for your H.
Bklyn,
I never thought of it this way until you posted. It helps to think they might have felt pathetic... I shouldn't care, I know, but I'm not quite there yet.
The notion that H and OW didn't get what they wanted out of me by way of reaction, and that they now have to deal with an alternate image of me being detached/non-reactive, is great for my self-esteem.
and this:
They are both spoiling for a fight.
I'm not going to give them that.
YOU control this. Not them. :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I need to get better at experiencing the pain and moving on through it.
I found this interesting and wonder what you think you need to improve? From an outsiders perspective, it looks like you are getting very good at "experiencing the pain" and "moving on through it." You merely came here, mentioned the interaction, were proud of yourself for not running them down (lol) and carried on. I'd say that is great!
The sting of it all gets easier, NLW. I promise you. You really must never expect decency from anyone who has gone to such lengths to lie and cheat. They've already shown their lack of character. But you already know this. And as I've explained previously, there will always be a problem in their relationship given its origins. They both know what the other is capable of. And believe me, when they don't have you to concentrate on anymore, that fact is going to rear its ugly head.
I'm praying for you.
LIS
LIS, Thanks for this.
In answer to your first question, I would like not to experience quite so much pain and think about it for quite so long. I still have moments when i don't believe this can actually be happening to me.
Sometimes I still can't completely accept that he's gone. That I'll be D-ed next week and that this has been going on for so long (it seems like yesterday that he came home from dropping the kids at school and sat down at the kitchen table to tell me "I can't do this any more").
But, I did cope with seeing them without blowing up (or running them down!). And my choice was much better for me than if I'd raged and confronted them. So I must be getting somewhere.
I take your point that the sting gets easier. I can imagine that it'd be almost imperceptible if i could find a nice new partner to share my life with (LOL).
And BTW, I do realise that's not the point of going through all this pain.
I love your insight: "They both know what the other is capable of" - ain't that the truth!
OW attempted to blackmail stbx in order to make him tell me about their A first time around. And when he broke it off with her (at my instigation), I can still see the capitalised text she sent him: I WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE.
What a prize she is. But as stbx commented in a moment of clarity: "We deserve each other."
It's going to take a while for me to stop being their focus - the court case over finances is going to be long and complicated. I will be the obvious cause of their problems for months/years to come. STBX will go ape-sh_t over having his business and personal records investigated, as well as needing to maintain the facade, to her, that I have taken all of his money/assets.
I wish I could cease to be the 'force' that impels them to bond together, but at the moment, while the financials are being dealt with, I can't see how I can do much about this. I'll try to keep on my path of holding to my values, detaching from their drama and focusing on me and the kids.
We are not in control of the hurt entirely. Can you accept that that this is the person that you don't want to be with right now, he's not the man you married, you understand that his behaviors are toxic, but it still hurts anyway? AND his behavior is NOT a commentary on you. I've seen plenty of beautiful and accomplished women who were cheated on, lied to, and treated poorly. That is largely a reflection of the person doing those things NOT the person receiving the treatment. I know how hard it is to internalize this as I struggle with it myself. But, I think it is VERY important that you internalize it. It is so important to understand the things that you need to improve but EQUALLY important to understand that you didn't deserve the treatment you received. That you do deserve better. Your H could have ended things in a much more classy and less hurtful way if he needed to be gone. You must understand your worth or else you risk inviting the same exact thing in your life. I did this. So when you say it isn't the point (in finding a new partner), well yes it is, I think. This is about improving yourself and creating a good atmosphere for either your H or any new person you invite back in.
And yes, the hurt does get easier. That's both good and bad. The good is pretty obvious. The bad is that I found the detaching process a bit sad. I am able to have compassion for my H and what he's gone through but I sure don't feel the same way for him that I once did. It has also taken me a long time to understand that I was in love with a figment of my imagination. This is not to say that he is bad, but he's lost in his alcoholism.
And I understand completely what you mean by it all being surreal at times. 2 1/2 years later and I go through that still to a degree. But certainly not like the beginning when I would have constant dreams and nightmares about him. I see a lot of people talk about what they did wrong in choosing a partner when they go through a divorce. You know what I finally arrived at? I think I chose just fine. My H was wonderful for 13 years. And I don't regret it. I just, like you, wish it didn't hurt so much.
Well you soon will be the force that doesn't drive them together. What they are left with? Who knows. But boy, OW sounds like a real prize! And yes, they do deserve one another. I am a big advocate about being kind to others even when they screw up (God knows I do a ton). However, there are certain behaviors, like those displayed by these two, that takes a certain level of cruelty that I don't quite get. I guess they don't see it that way, but I just can't understand being so indifferent to a person's feelings. I get the whole falling out of love thing. That's not what I'm saying. But I think you can walk away with compassion, decency and class.
Can you accept that that this is the person that you don't want to be with right now, he's not the man you married, you understand that his behaviors are toxic, but it still hurts anyway?
Yes, I can. It's so obviously not him.
It is so important to understand the things that you need to improve but EQUALLY important to understand that you didn't deserve the treatment you received. That you do deserve better.
This helps me a lot. I sometimes feel that I must have been a real monster to have produced this sort of change/retaliation in him. Other times I can see that it wasn't purely MY fault. I've been working on things I need to improve, but whatever i did surely doesn't mean that he has the right to treat me so badly now.
I am a big advocate about being kind to others even when they screw up (God knows I do a ton). However, there are certain behaviors, like those displayed by these two, that takes a certain level of cruelty that I don't quite get. I guess they don't see it that way, but I just can't understand being so indifferent to a person's feelings. I get the whole falling out of love thing. That's not what I'm saying. But I think you can walk away with compassion, decency and class.
You have put this so well. I don't get that they can't see how cruel they are being. Marriages end, people can choose not to be together... but to do it like this?
Just have to chalk it up to MLC, I suppose.
LIS, you have great insight and your support is so helpful. Thank you.
OW attempted to blackmail stbx in order to make him tell me about their A first time around. And when he broke it off with her (at my instigation), I can still see the capitalised text she sent him: I WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE.
and here
Originally Posted By: NLW
What a prize she is. But as stbx commented in a moment of clarity: "We deserve each other."
is a HUGE HUGE HUGE wake up call for you. IOW, this has NOTHING to do with how much you ruined his life but how much he likes to ruin his.
Does he enjoy drama in his life? Does he get bored easily? Does he suffer from anxiety/depression? Does he like being in EVERYBODY's kool aid?
Sounds like my H.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
My stbx loves drama these days; gets bored so easily that he never closes on 'great projects' that he dreams up for his business (time after time after time, these just fall by the wayside). He also suffers from depression.
So how do you read this stuff? Not sure I get what you mean by a 'huge wake-up call'.
IOW, He enjoys OW tirades. Not that he says, Whoo Hoo. He'll probably roll his eyes about it but deep down he needs her roller coaster of emotions to feel stable.
I don't remember your Hs history. I'm guessing his childhood was much the same. Roller coaster drama.
In my IC I learned that I thrive on drama (as did my H) which is why I would sometimes create arguments when there was a lull in the relationship. H didn't do the same, however he didn't feel uncomfortable with them.
It all goes back to how we need to live a serene life. That's it's not healthy to create unnecessary drama. (I'm turning this around to you more than H)
Remember when you kicked OW chair at your daughter's concert. Believe me, I woulda been there cheering you on but that was a great example of creating unnecessary drama. In this respect, you weren't very different from the drama OW created at the coffee shop. So do you see how you and OW are alike and H feeds off of that.
He needs to discover this on his own. He needs to want a healthy serene life. You need to do the same. (as I'm sure you're working on now) This experience has taught me so much but most importantly that a boring life (serenity) is better than a soap opera life (chaotic).
I don't want to lead you to believe that if you find serenity he will gravitate towards you. He may, he may not. More than anything do it for yourself.
I hope you have a GREAT day!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
