Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[adinva]

Yes, we passed our 19th anniversary while he was still living in our house, doing our laundry, eating our meals, and sleeping in our bed. Our 20th anniversary will be next November. In May 2011 I didn't even know we weren't happily married so that's just plain not going to be the date. December 2012 is when he moved out, we told our kids, and began to tell neighbors/parents and act like we were separated.

His proposal I believe assumed that I financially couldn't afford to buy the house yet (and also protected his interest in the future increased value of it). So it was that he pay the mortgage and continue owning half of the house. In his math the mortgage is approximately equal to child support plus about $300/month, so he'd pay it for five years and then we'd sell the house and split it in half. S12 will be about 18 then, so according to this plan, he contributes financially both child support and spousal, until the youngest is 18, and then cashes out and is done.

On principle, I do not want to co-own a house with my X. I have a letter of approval for a loan in the necessary amount to buy him out. I will be able to afford the mortgage and our other family expenses IF I have the $1700/mo child support dictated by the charts in Virginia PLUS a little bit more. Something like about $350/mo will enable me to pay the bills and scrape by, not starve but definitely not live at the level we've been living at.

My initial thinking is that typically I could expect support for 10 years, not 5, due to the length of our marriage. I'd like to take that second half of potential spousal support and reduce it from his equity so he can have his wish of being done in 5 years.

When I'm overwhelmed I procrastinate. I'm getting a lot of other stuff done, so don't think I'm spending my days hiding in bed under the covers, but you can see with this separation agreement that I'm frozen in fear. Have to block some time to formulate my response to his proposal.

Perhaps you can help me with this: Is it better to come back to him with a completely fleshed out counterproposal with numbers plugged in? Or is it better to tell him to go back to the drawing board removing the assumption that we'll co-own the house, and be more realistic about the spousal support number? And - at what point do I tell him the house needs to be sold, whether it be to him, to me, or to a buyer, but I prefer it be to me? What if he says no to me buying it? If he says yes, should I get the refi started now or wait till the separation agreement is agreed to and signed?

The fact of the matter is, our mortgage is less than a 2BR apt in our school district. I will afford it because I have no better alternatives. So it may not be jumping the gun to get the process started no matter how our separation agreement pans out. I don't know.

Regarding sports and college, in an exploratory conversation with H I learned his current position is that child support to age 18 is intended to cover anything they might need, and if I want them to have more it's up to me to figure out how to pay it out of the state mandated child support. Regarding college he sees the child declaring emancipation as a viable alternative, and also not going to college as a viable alternative. I like the 1/3-1/3-1/3 idea; is that written into separation agreements or negotiated when the time comes? I'm leery of waiting until the time comes because I'll be ancient history then; he's sort of trying to get along now and may have no incentive to THEN.