Mana Mana! Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo

[Tallula]

So, I spoke with my mom. She was upset, they didn't want him there. I said that he is still my H and father of my children and it was not ok with me. Then she launched into basically the crux of it all. They see me going out to dinner with the kids and he, letting him come to the ultra-sound as messed up. She thinks he should be punished for what he is doing. I said that she has no idea what I'm going through, and this is my way I chose to handle this.

Basically, what I got from this conversation is that my family can not be who I go to for support about this. If I'm crying upset one day, and then being nice to H, they are judging me and my choices. I don't need that. I believe that separating my H from his behavior is the only way that I can live sanely in this sitch. "Punishing" him, will only punish me. I can't hold on to hate and anger. I feel them and let them flow through me. I will not let his actions define me.

Well and hour later D2 started throwing up. So H had to stay home with her anyway. Ha!! But, it was great to state my boundaries to my mom. It was really, really hard. I come from a long line of co-dependants. (MY MOM!!) We care about appearances, we care about how everything looks to the outside world so much so that my mom lies constantly. "Just tell everyone he has the flu!" Let's just jump and dance around so that everyone is happy and no one gets hurt or upset. Well, I'm done with that. If this sitch ends up putting a distance between me and my family, that's not on me or my H. I told them what was going on. Their choices are theirs. It's not up to me to control this.

It's scary for me to take care of me. It's scary that people don't agree and are judging me on my choices. But, I know in my heart I'm doing the best I can and what is right for me. For the first time in my life, I am clear that I do what is best for me and my family. And that is just 4..soon to be 5 of us.

I miss my grandma. But later that day we found out...we are having a BOY!!!! Woo hoo!! H and the kids came. S3 is so excited, D2 has no clue what is going on. Ha.

H seems (won't hold my breath until it lasts a few weeks) to see how screwed up he is. He has mentioned it many times to me, as we have been around each other more than usual. He came over to help with D2 being sick and was over all day yesterday. It's not that I see a future for us, not that I completely don't either. It's that I do just want him to find some happiness. He said "I am so sick, so messed up. I think I'll never really be happy. And I'm just a jerk (edit)." It truly isn't said in a "poor me" way. I listened each time, validated, and one time said jokingly "Well, it will be ok. 10 minutes from now it will be all my fault again..." He cracked up and said "Man, I really am lucky to have you in my life. And because you are like this again, I know when I'm blaming you, that I'm full of it. This has nothing to do with you. All me."

Lastly, I was raised Catholic. Like, went to Catholic school 18 years, church 6 days a week until I was 14, catholic. I started going to a non-denominational church a month ago that my AA/alanon sponcer and some of my alanon friends go to. I really feel like I found a spiritual home. It's scary, because while I love the traditions and familarity of the catholicism, this feels right. It's scary, because of my family, out of my comfort zone...just everything. But, I'm going to continue this path of doing what I feel is best for me. One foot infront of the other...