Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[adinva]

#1 talk to son to find out if he can commit to park visit. Get that figured out first.

#2 once you have the answer to her weak argument about S's work, decide what would be fun for you. Draft the schedule, locations and costs.

#3 tell w this is what you want to do with the kid(s) and her. Hear her response and concerns. If youre really getting along that badly she shouldnt go but this is an experience for the kid(s) to have with their dad and youve already considered and handled the one legit argument (s work).

You are going. The kid(s) are going. The question is only whether she is going with you. If shes going to use the kids as pawns and try not to let you vacation with them, then luke you are hanging onto to what is not a marriage.

I dont know why she's not been willing to walk away from it, and i wonder what it will take for you to be willing to. Being willing to isnt the same as doing it, its just reaching the point where change is preferable than the status quo.

You might ask her to help brainstorm how this trip will work for her. Perhaps boys get a room and girls get a second room. It might be your last trip as a family together and you should work together to make it possible.

That means being strong enough to hear her. Dont go in arguing, go in saying what you think and then hearing her, and being open to reasonable modifications that still accomplish your goals. Your goal #1 is see parks with kids. Is her #1 goal to see parks without you? Really? So maybe you all go and she and you split the days doing different activities with the kids, as a compromise that gets closer to both your goals.

If shes expecting you to go away so she can see the parks with kids without you, tell her no.

If shes really going to push you to the wall on this, what are you trying to protect by accommodating her so much? It might be time to set up an agreement so you have equal access to your kids.

And finally, when u have these conversations, when she is rude, condescending, yells or belittles you, be prepared to say ya know, W? I luv ya but this attitude is preventing us from having this necessary discussion. Be respectful so we can continue. If not, well talk about this in an hour after you calm down. Im going for a walk. Or something like that. Dont match her vitriol, dont escalate it. Call it out and stop the conversation right there.