Not confused anymore...just anxious and emotional

[BRNR]

So, having an up day today, even though things are just crazy.

RH, I apologize to insinuate that the divorce was what gave your h a wake up call. Just in my case, when I did do it back in January, that is when things turned around and I thought another push might "work" for my h.


So, anyway, was home for the day with my S13 who is sick. We played video games all day, that kept me busy and my mind off H....

except when he texted me. Mostly bout S13 and how he was doing and our plans for S13 birthday, which is at the end of the month.

I did get agitated this am, because I had to call out of work for son...agitated because H and I always took turns calling out, and I did not want this duty to fall solely on my shoulders...not that I wouldn't want to, but if we are to divorce then I need to maintain the security I have at my job and calling out will not help

So, I called out and got S9 dressed and ready for H to pick up as he takes them to school every morning. H texted me good morning, and I responded with morning, s13 is sick and will need to stay home. He did show some concern, and then came to pick up s9. I asked him when we were face to face, "we hadn't talked about it, but are we still keeping with this arrangement of taking turns calling out when needed?" He did say yes, but asked if I was upset. I immediately tried to change my tone and just responding that I wasn't, but wanted to have this conversation now while it was in the moment. He seemed fine with the response...he confirmed that by texting me shortly after telling me to try and have a good day and if S13 was sick tomorrow he was ready to stay with him.

Limbo is not for me at all....and while I do want to save my marriage, I am not sure that it can be...h is just way too content with his new single life or double life...

[reachingHigher]

Hi BRNR,

No need to apologize, although thank you. Just didn't want to give the wrong impression and was afraid for you to try something that might be damaging.

You have to do what is best for YOU, and this is a place to receive advice, evaluate other people's opinions, and make your best choice.

Glad you were feeling "up" even though things were crazy

I understand about limbo. It's really difficult and the only redeeming value in it that I could find was the fact I have been learning discipline and patience, something I had been in short supply of before.

Let us know how things continue to progress,
rH

[BRNR]

RH, thanks for accepting my sincere apology.

I am trying to do what is right for me...I guess at this time I would just like to "check in"...which I know is against all DB principles. I want to know what we are working on...saving and rebuilding a marriage or moving towards divorce.

I have taken the advice of not responding to H's text right away, unless they concern the kids or financials. I have also seen a shift with him, where as, he is initiating more and more contact (now, even verbally on the phone and in person), showing care/concern for me, and has been asking more of what I am doing. I respond to most of this very vaguely. Mysterious right?

So I guess, more positives. ( I'll be honest and say that it is just not enough for me right now).

I do feel more detached these days, as I don't worry about what H is doing during the times he is not around or in contact with me. Maybe because of his actions, maybe it is a form of me letting go of him, maybe it is a form of me building trust in the situation, him, and myself, that everything will work out as it should...but my pesky expectations are that we will be a couple again.

Because my S13 was sick yesterday, it gave us some time to talk about things...he still is not opening up much except that he wants Dad to come home already. I am still working on him to release his feelings and emotions as I know it is not healthy for him to keep it bottled in.

I re-read parts of DR yesterday, and I am trying to figure out what the next "small" goal should be. Months ago, I didn't think I would be talking to H at all, and now that we are, I guess I am just annoyed more than excited at the moment. I guess my next goal is that I would like for him to say something about our relationship and for us to stop ignoring it. I know that what he says could be good or bad, but this I feel is needed for me very soon.

[job]

I've sorry to read that your son was ill yesterday and I hope he's feeling better today.

I'm glad to see that you are thinking of setting a small goal. However, please try to remember that if the goal isn't met, you'll be disappointed and in a way, that's expecting something if you are thinking of setting goals for you and your man/child. Set some goals for you to strive for and see how many you accomplish in the coming months.

BTW, if you still thinking of setting a small goal for you and your h, I would keep the goal to myself and not tell him. It may put too much pressure on him.

Mlcers are very unpredictable and there's no telling if your man/child will be ready in the near future to talk to you about the relationship. When he's ready, he'll talk to you about it. I know you are frustrated and limbo is wearing on you and believe me, none of us wanted to be in limbo for any length of time, but sometimes, it pays to sit in limbo just for a while and wait patiently for the answers to come. I'm a firm believer in sitting quietly and God will provide you w/the answers.

Just my two cents, when you keep the focus on you, your family, home, work and/or hobbies, limbo land tends to fade in the background just a bit.

Please do not try to rush the process because all it does is send them back down into the rabbit hole. The slower his recovery, the better because that will mean he's working on his issues and will heal properly and hopefully become a mature man at the end of his journey.

BRNR, none of us wanted to be on this journey, but we have found that there is new territory out there for each of us to explore and discover things about ourselves while they are on the Mother Ship. None of us wanted to let go, let God, but at the end of the day, we discovered that the tighter we hold the rope on the situation, the longer it took for us to detach and get on w/our lives, as well as allowing the mlcer to grow up. I do understand how you feel, but you can't rush his progress. His clock is far, far slower than any that we have in our possession.

Sit quietly, the answers will come when God is ready to reveal them to you. Dig deeper for patience.

[BRNR]

When he's ready, he'll talk to you about it. I know you are frustrated and limbo is wearing on you

How likely is the scenario that he will never want to discuss it?

Limbo is wearing me out because I don't care anymore...I feel as if I'm ready for the final judgement either way.

It is like a test...I took it, now I am waiting for the final grade...I don't care if it is passing or failing...all I want is the grade so either I can drop the course or continue it.

[job]

At some point he will discuss some of the relationship w/you. It all depends upon if he's given ample time to process his issues and he feels safe enough to do so, i.e., w/o a lot of stressors being put on him. Keep in mind, that they do tend to dance around the relationship discussion and many will not give you a complete "picture" of the situation. This is where you will need to listen closely and sift through what they are saying to get the answers. As they progress they will provide you with more informaiton when you least expect it.

A few on the forum have been fortunate enough that their spouses have begun to open up to them. However, they've been at this for quite some time. It's not easy to get mlcers to open up until they are ready to do so. The more you push for answers, the less likely you will be to get your answers. When they are pushed too hard, they will lash out and that's when they threaten divorce and some will even carry through on their threats. The question is...are you ready for a divorce? Is this truly what you want?

Why not set a small goal for yourself? You could set the goal to come back and revisit whether or not you want to speak to him about the relationship in the May/June timeframe. That will give you several months to see where he's at in the crisis. However, do not share this timeframe w/him. This is for you only. At that time, you can re-evaulate your situation and go from there.

You've not detached enough from his drama to allow yourself some time and space and it's wearing on your emotional, physical and well being. You may not even be aware of it, but you are looking for signs of him waking up and wanting to return home. This can be very trying. That's why it's important to just leave them twirling in the wind because you do not want him home the way he is at this time. He's still very much a teenager and it would be far worse if he were home and sneaking around doing God knows what and acting out.

Keep in mind, only you can decide when you've had enough and want off the rollercoaster, i.e., file for a divorce. I've seen far too many who get anxious and want to have discussions w/their spouses this early in the crisis and then the mlcer will file and the lbs is heartbroken over the outcome. I honestly don't think your h wants a divorce...I think he just needs his space and time to work things out.

Having patience w/an mlcer is very difficult, but it can be done. Your relationship w/your h is far better than some that post. At least he's friendly and does things w/you and the children. Many do not have anything to do w/any of the family members and are down right rude and nasty to the spouses.

I suggest that you wait a few days and see how you feel then. When in doubt...do nothing.

[BRNR]

Snodderly, I will heed this advice and think on it for a few days or even a week.

On another matter, I got a little upset just a moment ago and gave it to H...

He has two phones, one that was for our life and one for his new life. Well he picked up S9 from school today and had to bring him home to change for his class. There was about a 30 minute "layover" so I invited H in to the living room to have a seat. While he was here he had the nerve to pull the "secret" one out and start doing something with it...I thought about it for the longest ten minutes of my life and finally said to him "if you have something to take care of on that phone, then you can take it outside of this house."

His response was he wasn't doing anything. And I said, I didn't say you were, but if you do, please take it outside.

My reasoning is that I will not be disrespected and have my face rubbed into his activities, secrets, and lies.

I am sure I blew it with that one, but knowing that at the beginning of all this mess he was texted OW while sitting right in front of me infuriated me, and I will not tolerate it any further.

Let me have it guys, I wish I would have saw a better way to handle and would like advice should it come up again...

[job]

I don't think you blew it by advising him to take his "other business" outside, if that is what he was doing on the mlc phone. Chances are he didn't even think about what he was doing when he pulled out the phone, but your comment let him know that you were aware of what he was doing.

Don't worry about it...you called his attention to his behavior and now let it go. Enjoy the evening w/your children.

[BRNR]

Snodderly haha...I like it....MLC phone.

Thanks, I just know it wasn't very DB worthy...so I think I needed to point it out to myself. I probably should have shut my mouth, but something about that phone drives me bonkers.

Wish I could enjoy the kids, it is H's night and he took my one son to class and dinner and my other one is sick, asleep in his room. Ugh...poor kid.

[job]

I'm sorry the little one is still sick. Sounds like you may have a little bit of quiet time to do something for yourself...