Another dollar in my one-man show

[Big Bruce]

Hi,
Once more, thank you for all the precious input from you all. If I'm recovering, it's greatly in part thanks to your hammering these same advices on me. I'm sure you realized by now I need things to be repeated before it gets through..

So, just to sum it up really quickly : W is nowhere to be seen. But she does communicate by email. Only things about S, she wanted my permission for a speech assessment appointment earlier this week (which I gave), and comments on S visit with me yesterday (from 9am to 3pm) because I hadn't written anything on the "log book" thing.

For the moment, I'm following the plan : no unecessary contact with W. In fact, the less, the better, to give her the emotionnal availabiliy to miss me, or at least not have the feeling that her arm is twisted into thinking about coming back.

W wants to "win", and show how hurt she was, and how unhappy she is and that nobody can force her into staying with me. You know what? Fine. I let her win, figuratively.
I have been far from a perfect husband, and I made mistakes. Apparently mistakes that deserve death, since my life is finished now.
One generation is wasted, and since the only thing left is my S, I hope he'll do better than I did.

I am taking a parenting course, and have nothing to do in life (apart from work) besides taking care of him, when I have him.

I hope I won't have to go to pre-trial. The L strongly advised me to try and negociate with W, to reach a settlement and not go to pre-trial, which leads to trial, which costs between 40 000 and 50 000$. (Are those "normal" numbers for a D?)

How can I negociate with W if from July 2012, I haven't been able to sit and have a coffee once with her?

This week, I asked if one Saturday visit with S, could be postponed by one day to Sunday, (because Saturday, I had registered for a Men's conference with many churches...). She said no.
No compassion, no giving one inch, no nothing from her.
This isn't the girl I married. I just have to accept it as a death. The girl I married died, I won't see her again. I have to toughen up, and keep trudging through the circumstances, and be brave. One day, there won't be no more tears, until then, I got to clench my jaw and proceed.

Wish you all good week,
B.

[Occy01]

I have been far from a perfect husband, and I made mistakes. Apparently mistakes that deserve death, since my life is finished now.
One generation is wasted, and since the only thing left is my S, I hope he'll do better than I did.

No, your life is not finished. You have a son. You must be the best father you can be, for him and for you. Thats a fulfilling life...

I am taking a parenting course

Thats great! Keep up the good work!

[movingon-1968]

W wants to "win", and show how hurt she was, and how unhappy she is and that nobody can force her into staying with me. You know what? Fine. I let her win, figuratively.

I doubt this is the case at all. It's a matter of validation - she's seeking validation for the way she feels; her unhappiness, hurt and sadness. You have admitted your mistakes here - but usually with an equal share of demonizing your W. Have you admitted your mistakes to her? Have you apologized? Have you pointed the finger right back at her after doing either of the acts above?

I have been far from a perfect husband, and I made mistakes. Apparently mistakes that deserve death, since my life is finished now.

Spoken like a true martyr...

[MrBond]

"W wants to "win", and show how hurt she was, and how unhappy she is and that nobody can force her into staying with me. You know what? Fine. I let her win, figuratively.
I have been far from a perfect husband, and I made mistakes. Apparently mistakes that deserve death, since my life is finished now."

You really haven't changed at all.

"No compassion, no giving one inch, no nothing from her."

Because you haven't changed.

When are you going to learn that once you get some REAL humility in your situation, then your W will open up to you? Instead all we hear is how bad you have it and how much you want to run away and abandon your son, etc.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi,
Once more, thank you for all the precious input from you all. If I'm recovering, it's greatly in part thanks to your hammering these same advices on me. I'm sure you realized by now I need things to be repeated before it gets through..

Bruce, I've got a real question to ask you. Is ANY of this getting through to you? Can you tell me one thing that you now believe about your situation, that you did not already believe?

B/C I'm feeling pretty useless here. Sure, others tell me my posts to you help THEM, (& I'm grateful to them!)

But I want to know if anything I'm saying to you, really reaches you. Seriously...what's different about you that relates to anything I or others here, have said to you?

So, just to sum it up really quickly : W is nowhere to be seen. But she does communicate by email. Only things about S, she wanted my permission for a speech assessment appointment earlier this week (which I gave), and comments on S visit with me yesterday (from 9am to 3pm) because I hadn't written anything on the "log book" thing.

This^^ is exactly how it has been for some time. You know she doesn't want contact with you and that's that. This is not new. You've been told many times, back off and again I say BACK OFF.

Stop noticing it. When you make these comments it's obvious you are still hoping for and expecting something from her. That's not realistic. And it makes you more miserable to keep the focus on getting a reaction or attention from her.


For the moment, I'm following the plan :

Bruce, "for the moment" you are following the LAW?. As opposed to what,

abandoning your son? Kidnapping him? I mean, What am I to say to that?

no unecessary contact with W. In fact, the less, the better, to give her the emotionnal availabiliy to miss me, or at least not have the feeling that her arm is twisted into thinking about coming back. respect her wishes.

W wants to "win", and show how hurt she was, and how unhappy she is and that nobody can force her into staying with me.

That's^^ just a legal fact. And no one can force you to change either.


You know what? Fine. I let her win, figuratively.


Oh dear God...here you go again. You lost some issues in court and so did she. What's with the terms you "Let her win"? what event are you referring to?

Can't you see that in her eyes SHE LOST time with her son to a man who doesn't care about him?

And What did she "Win"? Temporary spousal support? Okay, well, um, so what? No, Really...so what?

She got 4 months more of support than you think she ought to have gotten.

So How much energy, how much of your life - are you going to waste on that topic?

[[As for child support, paying for the baby YOU wanted...well, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and pretend that you are only complaining about the spousal support. We'll ignore the child support payments b/c I can't discuss you complaining about that, without being upset.]]

So it's spousal support you are still moaning about. 4 more months of it...you're already 1/5 of the way through. Will you spend all those months complaining?

BTW---You never mention how much money you sent her while you remained behind in France? How much money did you send her then? Bruce, Did you send her any?

And the months when you were in Canada, before the court's ruling, what did you give her? Didn't it vary according to your mood?

Bruce, Do you literally lack the ability to understand her point of view?
You have to work on that.

B/C NOT being able to do that, is going to cripple you for life.

What about GAL? How is that going?

(HINT; your answer cannot consist of you blaming your son or w for you not GAL...I just want to hear what efforts YOU are making towards GAL...)


I have been far from a perfect husband, and I made mistakes. Apparently mistakes that deserve death, since my life is finished now.

Well there's nothing quite like the melodrama of reading your posts. Bruce, this^^ is yet another extreme mood swing.

Your wife left you. That stinks. It really does...but You do realize that around here, other people have had that happen too?

Did you discuss taking medication or getting more therapy with the c you saw? She told you that you can't control your w and you were "So disappointed". Well what else did she say? Are you going to find a support group or attend an intense workshop or get some more help?

There's no shame in it. But it's obvious that you do need more help than you are getting. Please, avail yourself of it. There are many resources for you when you wallow in despair.

And btw, when you despair like this, you MIGHT become a person who should not have more custody of his son. I don't mean that as a scary threat but you have to realize that when you dance around the topic of death

WHILE in a custody battle, you hurt your chances. And maybe it's something to reconsider. Maybe you should not have your son so much until you feel more stable.


One generation is wasted, and since the only thing left is my S, I hope he'll do better than I did.

I am taking a parenting course, and have nothing to do in life (apart from work) besides taking care of him, when I have him.

Glad you are taking the class. As for not doing anthing in life besides caring for him "when" you have him"...well, yes, taking care of him is what's going on. I mean, welcome to the world of parenting a 2 year old. Been there, done that. It's parenting Bruce, What do you think your w gets done WHEN she has him?

I recall flying with h and son when S was 2. H brought some of HIS books and notes as if he was going to "catch up on work" on the plane.

In my bag, aside from diapers and bottles, i had 3 pacifiers, numerous coloring books, paper and crayons, toys, blocks, quiet things and medicine, snacks and juices, etc. I had no illusions about what the plane ride would be like with a 2 y/o. It's very labor intensive to care for a 2 year old. No one 'Does other stuff" while they have their 2 y/o. That's what they're doing, caring for their child. It's parenting.


I hope I won't have to go to pre-trial. The L strongly advised me to try and negociate with W, to reach a settlement and not go to pre-trial, which leads to trial, which costs between 40 000 and 50 000$. (Are those "normal" numbers for a D?)

What's "normal" varies wildly. It is usually a % of income and marital assets and since I don't know what your assets are, I can't tell. Most people split things in half, roughly, plus child care costs. That's usually not super complicated and if there are no prolonged debates, no unusal assets or custody matters, and no medical issues for your child, (which you do have), then my GUESS is that about $20k should take care of it, in total. But I have friends who paid over $50k fighting over $100k in assets, never noticing that the assets were cut in half, by their fighting.

As for settling out of court, I don't see you and your w being able to discuss this w/o a neutral 3rd party OR your lawyers. I think you'll get too upset.

You've swung too far too often on this site. So I'd urge you to let your L do the arguing for you, with your guidance. But listen to HIM when he tells you that something is a losing battle. Prioritize clearly for him. Don't swing around on your lawyer from the "screw her I'll flee" to the "fine give it ALL to her"....

he will not know what you want the most. He's not a mind reader and he may not realize how fast your feelings change.


How can I negociate with W if from July 2012, I haven't been able to sit and have a coffee once with her?

IF it is possible, it'd be by backing off.

Are you capable of backing off for real?
You seem to find it very very hard to just leave her alone.

I think GAL would make your life MUCH easier...for so many reasons.



This week, I asked if one Saturday visit with S, could be postponed by one day to Sunday, (because Saturday, I had registered for a Men's conference with many churches...). She said no.

okay. She said no. You do NOT KNOW WHY, so don't negatively mind read so much. Can't you see how you do this to yourself?

It's always a nasty thing on HER end...OMG I'm battling a losing cause...

No compassion, no giving one inch, no nothing from her.

She said "no". What's "nasty" about that? How do you know she was angry? Did you explain why you wanted to switch days? Do you have any ideas about what SHE MIGHT have already planned for either of those days?

What do you think she sees coming from YOU at this point? I mean it...do you know what SHE thinks of you trying to take your son just so you don't have to pay her money?

B/c to her, my guess is that's exactly what she believes..."no compassion for son...no giving...just taking from Bruce" may well be what she believes. I cannot stress enough to you how important it is for you to firmly grasp the concept she has of you, is NOT the concept or image you have.
Why didn't you fill out the log book?

Was it so she'd call you? See, to me that's just more manipulation or pettiness to show her that you won't abide by the rules the court set.
Silly...plus she needs to know what you guys did and ate so SHE can care for him that night.


This isn't the girl I married. I just have to accept it as a death. The girl I married died, I won't see her again. I have to toughen up, and keep trudging through the circumstances, and be brave. One day, there won't be no more tears, until then, I got to clench my jaw and proceed.

Wish you all good week,
B.

[Big Bruce]

Bonsoir,
Special edition for answers and clarifications.

1. What do I see different since I'm here? Well first, to back off. I still would be in the stage of writing letters and phone call attempts, apologies and blaming me for all the bad things in the marriage and throwing bible verses reminders. BUT I know better, and I'm not knocking at a closed door, the more I knock, the more locks W puts. (that's an image).
And second, I concentrate on my S. It is not his fault, and I love him, so I want him to be happy despite this ordeal, and when he realizes why his life is broken, to find the strength to be as noble as I am and forgive W.
And third, lots of perspective.

2. What are my options? Today I went to C, and I told her my theory about letting my W "win". She said it was best to think of it this way : W needs time to figure out whatever she needs to figure out. She may or may not reach the conclusion that breaking a family is bad, but for the moment she needs time.

So, until the end of June I'll pay, and not complain once more.
I won't escape either or give W all.
In fact, if W thinks I'm not genuine about my interest with S, she'd have to admit that I do a pretty good job in taking care of him.

3. GAL ? Absolutely, I have picked up ice skating and hockey for fun. I curled all winter (it's over next week though)--> which I'll replace with lawn bowling when spring hits in three months, and with a group of friends we play guitar together. (Although, being 5 to 8 years younger than me, the topics of conversation often does NOT match my tastes.. if you know what I mean), and they call me a square. But they aren't christians either.
Also at home I play classical piano and I read lots (I try to avoid videogames). I will be giving private tutoring lessons on weel-ends now also, to try and make ends meet.

4. Today I was in tears at the C. But I know things will be brighter after. If not here, at least on the other side. I don't need any medication or support group.

5. Yes, I said I would "try" to make an arrangement with W, to stop paying alimony in exchange of half of the money. And of course 50-50% for S. What if she refuses? I will have the L try, that's for sure. Then she'll have to see if spending the 40 to 50 000$ in fighting me is worth it.

6. i know that W had nothing scheduled for the Sunday, because she said S needed to go to Sunday school and do his nap and spend time with them... like those things are unmissable...
And I forgot to fill the log book because I couldn't sit still for 5 minutes and write with S touching everything.
Plus I wonder if she reads it, because her part is with another writing (her mom's probably) and bad French, so she doesn't even tell her mom what to write. So, what do I think W does when S is at home? She is busy studying and going to her part-time job. Not caring for S.

Hope this makes the picture or where I'm at clearer.
Thank you for reading,
bien le bonsoir,
Bruce

[25yearsmlc]

I think I'm pretty clear on where you are Bruce. I'm just sad that you're still there.

And I'm not a doctor so I won't tell you that you need medication. But you do need more help than I can provide & more than once a week offers. You sound very depressed & bitter. I hope you'll get more help as so much more is available.

But then, I've said this to you before. I promise I won't say it again.
Let me know if you change your mind or have a break through.

Good luck Bruce, I wish you well.

[MrBond]

"Hope this makes the picture or where I'm at clearer."

Yes it does. It shows you're still the egotistical man that your W left you for. I apologize for being blunt, however, there is no humility in your words. In fact, they've gotten worse. Ultimately it's why your W wants nothing to do with you. She has seen through your facade and you've shown it time and time again here.

By the way, 25years has been INCREDIBLY patient with you and you ignore her as you would a common street person. If you treat someone who has tried to help you with no respect, then we know how your W feels.

"1. What do I see different since I'm here? Well first, to back off. I still would be in the stage of writing letters and phone call attempts, apologies"

All this was fine until...

"and blaming me for all the bad things in the marriage"

You played a big part in it and at least was honest about it when you first posted here. Now you've downplayed your role and demonized your W.

"BUT I know better,"

No you don't.

"and I'm not knocking at a closed door, the more I knock, the more locks W puts. (that's an image)."

It's because everytime she looks through the peep hole, she sees the same man there. (that's an image).

"and when he realizes why his life is broken, to find the strength to be as noble as I am and forgive W."

Egotistical as usual. I hope your son can forgive YOU.

"And third, lots of perspective."

Where?

"2. What are my options? Today I went to C, and I told her my theory about letting my W "win"."

How "noble" of you. Playing the controller, trickster again.

"She said it was best to think of it this way : W needs time to figure out whatever she needs to figure out. She may or may not reach the conclusion that breaking a family is bad, but for the moment she needs time."

So you listen to a C to whom you've painted yourself as a victim, and ignore 25years and others who you DON'T PAY but have given you solid, practical advice THAT WORKS WHEN FOLLOWED.

"So, until the end of June I'll pay, and not complain once more."

I'd like to wager on that.

"I won't escape either or give W all."

I'd like to wager on that as well.

"In fact, if W thinks I'm not genuine about my interest with S, she'd have to admit that I do a pretty good job in taking care of him."

How so? That's in your mind. To all of us fathers who are REALLY dedicated to our children, we have told you otherwise.

"3. GAL ? Absolutely, I have picked up ice skating and hockey for fun. I curled all winter (it's over next week though)--> which I'll replace with lawn bowling when spring hits in three months, and with a group of friends we play guitar together. (Although, being 5 to 8 years younger than me, the topics of conversation often does NOT match my tastes.. if you know what I mean), and they call me a square. But they aren't christians either."

Oh so you are the sole savior in a mass of heathens. Quite bigoted.

"4. Today I was in tears at the C. But I know things will be brighter after. If not here, at least on the other side. I don't need any medication or support group."

Sure, because you love yourself so much that you can support yourself. BTW, there's nothing wrong with loving yourself, however, when it borders on narcissism, then there's a problem.

"5. Yes, I said I would "try" to make an arrangement with W, to stop paying alimony in exchange of half of the money. And of course 50-50% for S. What if she refuses? I will have the L try, that's for sure. Then she'll have to see if spending the 40 to 50 000$ in fighting me is worth it."

I think she will to escape from you.

"6. i know that W had nothing scheduled for the Sunday, because she said S needed to go to Sunday school and do his nap and spend time with them... like those things are unmissable..."

Aren't you "Christian". Nothing wrong with spending time with God.

"And I forgot to fill the log book because I couldn't sit still for 5 minutes and write with S touching everything."

You JUST figured that out now? That shows how lacking you are at parenting. Your W is justified in thinking the way she has.

"Plus I wonder if she reads it, because her part is with another writing (her mom's probably) and bad French, so she doesn't even tell her mom what to write. So, what do I think W does when S is at home? She is busy studying and going to her part-time job. Not caring for S."

Mindreading.

You're on a roll.

[Intact]

Your wife did not break the family Bruce. You broke the family by not being there for them. By neglecting your son and your wife.

Now I'm done.

I don't believe this. Most of us on here have made some awful mistakes but every human is capable of that. There are plenty of things I wish I had done or didn't do etc.

I'm much like MWD where I don't believe divorce is an acceptable solution to marital problems (within reason of course).

The fact is, he's here, fighting for his marriage. In my mind that's something to be very proud of.

[MrBond]

Intact, go back and read all of his threads from the beginning before you say things that don't apply.