Shall I mention her ignoring me to her? It feels like yet another way to disrespect me.
No don't mention it, that's not going to go anywhere good. It's a complaint, and when you complain she'll be defensive or dismissive, neither of which are good places to go.
Your best bet is to "act as if" and just keep treating her like a friendly roommate. When you are tending the fire, rather than waiting for her to make a comment, YOU make a comment. If you make a general "Nice fire huh?" she will probably ignore it. Think of something to say that she'd be interested in responding to. If you don't read a daily newspaper, start, because it will give you lots of good topical conversation starters.
I know that being ignored is a very hard place to be, your challenge is to rise above rather than get mired in it.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Your list of goals a-s is pretty long. Why don't you scratch out all the ones that are dependent on her doing something (a, b, c, d, k) since you don't have any control over what she does. And then perhaps scratch out all the ones that are not how you would like to be treated yourself aka the golden rule (e, m, n), and then pick maybe three that would develop your assertiveness muscle, and make each one of them more concrete and specific than you did so far.
For example, I like g, if you need shirts. If you don't really need shirts then it is kind of silly. But assuming you do, then g is really good. Buy them, plan when where and how much you want to budget for them. Then plan what you're going to do if she does say something and if she doesn't say something. Because you're a grown man and can buy and wear shirts and she is entitled to her opinion about that, but she's not entitled to dictate to you what you'll do. You can hear her be mad that you bought them, you can hear her not like their style or color, and you can hear her tell you to donate them to charity, and you can equally expect her to completely ignore them. Figure out for yourself what you will think, to build yourself up, when she does any of those things. For example, do you really like the color? She says she doesn't like them, you say well, that's ok, I happen to like the color personally. She says she doesn't like you spending the money on them? That's ok, you anticipated that and can say you checked the budget and happen to feel it was a responsible purchase, but if she has concerns about the budget you're open to hearing them so you can both plan accordingly going forward. She says you don't need them donate them to charity you say...[your turn, what do you say?]
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thank you adinva. Yes, the list is awful long. I really liked your methodical sorting and elimination of the ideas.
As it happens, I am going to Stockholm today, with D, who she needs to get new ballet shoes, at a store right behind one of the major department stores there. This is a perfect opportunity to get the shirts, which I plan to do. I really could use them, as I will be spending a week at our corporate headquarters next month, and so need appropriate attire.
Journal: up and down day/night yesterday. Assertive conversationally last night at dinner, strident even at first, but then found proper tone, and W noticed. Felt good to participate in the conversation more.
Later missed and regretted two opportunities to: 1. touch her (I had to pass close to her on the stair landing, where she was watering the flowers) and 2. assert myself on the bedroom door thing. These missed opportunities led to being awake at night and bad self doubt, where I wondered if her animal will is simply stronger than mine, and so she will always overpower me.
Also wonder how to make my boundary setting more than skin deep. Suppose she ways "no, I want the door closed". What do I say in reply? Do I need a reason to have it open? I don't think so, but then the degree of door openness simply reflects the balance of power between us. What should motivate me to assert myself? What well do I tap for strength, if there is one? Are there thoughts that could strengthen me?
Discouraging to feel that this might finally be an animal will thing and that I need to be vigilant for assertiveness opportunities whenever she is near.
Good news on the friendship front, a guy friend has invited me to listen to Irish music in a few weeks, together with another mutual friend who I like a lot, a professional cook, Tunisian, with an easy laugh. We all speak French, and are immigrants to Sweden, something which unites us (though both of them are ~20 years younger than I am).
Will be good to spend time with D today. She has to take an entrance exam at a high school in Stockholm, so is nervous, but we will have fun and spend time together afterwards.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
"As it happens, I am going to Stockholm today, with D, who she needs to get new ballet shoes, at a store right behind one of the major department stores there. This is a perfect opportunity to get the shirts, which I plan to do. I really could use them, as I will be spending a week at our corporate headquarters next month, and so need appropriate attire."
Get some new and stylish clothes that you can wear when you go out and not just for work.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Love it! You could wear something new for your night out with friends!
Luke, I'm not sure where you've read about animal will, but it doesn't ring true for me. What I hear in you is a lack of a solid sense of self. Boundaries are a kind of a container for your sense of self. It's not that she is strong so you must push harder. Your self begins and ends where you draw that line and if you're healthy that does not change when you're around someone else even if they're strong, bossy, or abusive. However, to be subjected to abuse can wreak havoc on your sense of self and your ability to set boundaries.
For example. You want to sleep with the door open, and she wants it closed. To act like healthy people, you'd say what you want and why, and how important it is to you, and she'd say what she wants and why, and how important that is to her, and you'd negotiate based on who feels more strongly. I think the door issue is an awkward one for you because it's not actually what you want, you want more, it's a symbol of being closer to her. While having the door closed could actually be the thing she wants, privacy, her own space, or could be symbolic of shutting you out of her life. Just as much as you have a right to want the door open, you're trying to control the door to the room she sees as HERS. It's going to be a battle of the wills, not a boundary.
A boundary would be this: W, I am the man in this house, I am your husband, that is my room and I'll sleep in it from now on. If you want to sleep somewhere else you can. If you refuse to share a room with me or be civil about my decision I'm not sure that I want to be married to you and we should explore separating. (A boundary is what you need and what you will do if you're unable to get your need met. So here, what you need is the self-respect of sleeping in your bed in your house. What you need to develop is the what if...what if you are not allowed - after having requested and stated clearly its importance to you - if you are not allowed to sleep in your bed in your house.)
A boundary does not require the other person to do something. A boundary is a decision about what you will DO. You will sleep in your bed, you will leave, you will initiate divorce proceedings, you will agree to sleep separately in your house and let her keep the door closed because there is no real marriage but it is convenient for you and the kids to continue sharing your home with her. You do.
The reason you do not have a what if is because you are willing to bend your sense of self to fit whatever container she'll allow, because you fear any change to that situation.
This is not a marriage problem, Luke. I wish you would ditch your counselor and see if you can find a new one who can help you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Lots to report today. First, D got into the high school she applied to. This is relevant because we live an hour from this school, and my W works only 30 minutes from it. I could imagine my W wanting to be nearer her job by moving to someplace nearby, hence also becoming nearer to D's school. This may be relevant for who lives where if we D.
Second, on Sunday I ran by our old wooden sailboat and found that the tarp covering it had been blown off and is no longer usable. I therefore got a new tarp yesterday and D helped me put it on. This morning my W said that the tarp was not needed, as the boat was no longer
in any shape to sail and should be scrapped (no one would buy it, she claims). I said I was not so sure, that I would put an ad up, and first wanted to see if someone would take it, and hence we needed a new tarp (which costs a few hundred dollars). We disagreed on that.
Third, W asks if I had looked into flights to the States for this summer. I said yes, but that I thought we should extend our stay to look at the nearby national parks, considering that we would be right there and will have paid good money to get there, so it would make sense to look around a bit more. W said no, maybe S would have a job. I said we should still think of it, and that she was free not to be with me and the kids. She said I was free not to be there, and that she was having real problems just being with me, that I had blackmailed her by crying last BD. I said I understand, but am not doing anything unreasonable now.
W upstairs now, her day off from school. More later -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I don't think you mentioned anything about you crying when she did the BD. What happened? She continues to see you not as a "man".
Personally, you're not being passionate enough. You seem too...polite, for lack of a better term. You have to get angry and start showing some emotion instead of crying.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Crying was maybe 6 years ago. Now I am just tough.
Yes, I have not been passionate enough.
I can see her being unable to deal with my politeness.
I cannot see a good solution to the US trip yet - she does not want to be with me, yet does want to see the national parks, and seems to agree that it makes financial sense to do so when we are already there, with the kids.
Not sure what to be angry about yet - did not feel something that should have made me so -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
