Say What??

[2chiquitos]

can you list some? Can you detail a few out?
He is doing more acts of service. I think it's cuz of the WOA and he does it willingly without me asking for it.
He listens when I talk. If he interrupts and I call him out on it he apologizes for it.
He reminds me that he doesn't want to rely on his mother (fall back on codependency) and does things that let me know he's working at detaching from her (with love)
He changes his schedule around so that I can have free time to myself.
He is patient when we go on family outings and enjoys himself - where before he would seem rushed and ready to do something else.
He listens to my concerns and doesn't get defensive - before he thought I was attacking his family/friends when I was pointing out a concern. Most of the time it was something related to S4.
He plans out our week and makes sure I know about these plans - before he was more last minute about things and never wanted to commit to anything.
There are more things but these are the ones that stick out, aside from his involvement with S4 and D1.

What I got from your more recent post, was a lot about his help with your son, and what you need to prioritize but what of those things, he has NOT done...

Can you focus on what he HAS done that makes you feel he is trying? We know he stepped up for HIS/YOUR son, which is a huge improvement. Cool!

See, I'm not doubting his efforts so much as asking you to look at what your focus mostly is on...what's missing.

Is that b/c too much still is not there from him,

and or

b/c you don't notice the strides with the same attention to detail as you notice the deficits?? Something to ponder.

I think giving him something to live UP TO helps more than expecting and showing him you expect, the worst.

Also, a personal question...why have you never married him?
Good question. I took forever to respond to this post because of this question.
I wanted to have a BIG wedding after D1 was born. Now I don't know who on my side of the family would go. I would like to get married in the long run but I can't see that happening when I don't trust him.

If he's so confident things can work out w/you two, would his proposing marriage now, be enough of, or at all a symbol of meaning to YOU?
To HIM?
Again, I would need to trust him to be able to even consider marriage.

Not to judge, but I'm curious. For ME it's far more of a "commitment" when I have a child with a man, than to marry & wear a ring on my finger.

Step away from the past revelations and pain...leave those aside for a minute, and act as if they had not happened.

Marrying is hard enough but If you trusted him to help you raise 2 kids, is there a reason not to marry him now?


I'm really asking if you did not want to marry him before, was it b/c you had misgivings?

OR b/c HE DID? If so, what were they?

are those misgivings being addressed?
Honestly, I was fine not married. I wanted the BIG elaborate wedding for myself. If I had a BIG birthday party, then I'd be happy. I don't see a wedding the same anymore. I would be happy going to the county courts and getting married.
I believed he was committed to me without having the ring. We owned 3 properties together. Had 2 kids. Were planning our future together. I felt very secure in our relationship.

I come from parents who divorced after almost 40 years of marriage. I think that tainted my idea of marriage quite a bit.

Good luck 2c and please keep us posted. _________________________