25yearsmlc

[Grizz]

Wow, pretty insightful. I think alot of people will agree with this post because it puts some of the focus on the spouse that has decided to leave (either by affair, MLC, WAS, etc). Whether this is the right approach or not it puts the onus on who hurt us. Hope that makes sense.

Thoughts on the ten steps:
"Giving up their need for revenge but continuing to seek a just resolution":
I am not seeking revenge however I do find myself feeling resentful and angry at times. This is not good for me and I am trying to get through these feelings.

"Stemming their obsessive focus on the injury and reengaging with life.":
To me, this is straight DB. GAL, GAL and GAL some more. I need to do more of this.

"Framing the offender's behavior in terms of the offender's own personal struggles, which may have begun before the hurt party came on the scene":
We focus so much on ourselves with DB (which is excellent) but our S definitely played a role in the sitch. I am not saying blame the S or focus on this however I do think some people need to read this so as to not beat themselves up to much and be riddled with guilt. It is a balancing act between being able to aknowledge their (spouses) faults and realize that you can't change them with acknowledging you own faults and realizing that is the only thing you can change.

"Looking honestly at their own contribution to the injury":
Again straight from DB. Work on yourself. See previous statement.

"Carefully deciding what kind of relationship they want with the offender":
I think this is something that most people go through during their sitch. I have seen many members on here question whether they want to even work on their M. One does get beat down during these trials and I think it is natural to question exactly how much you can take. I have had brief moments myself questioning actually what I want. Partly due to my resentment that I struggle with at times. But there is no question that I want my M to work.

"In exchange, hurt parties must work to release their obsessive preoccupation with the injury, accept a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong and create opportunities for the offender to make good. Acceptance is intrapersonal; genuine forgiveness is interpersonal."
This is dead on and I don't think I have anything to add to it. This should be posted somewhere for all to see.

In my opinion, cheap forgiveness has its limitations. If it helps you to "forgive" then I guess any forgiveness is beneficial. But to truly be accepted and to have a deep down feeling of letting things go, genuine forgiveness is what is needed.