A friend sent me this article on Forgiveness and sort of Challenged a lot of things I've thought.
I'm processing it. Not rejecting it. Input welcome...here it is. By Janice Abrahms.
"Almost everything that has been written about forgiveness tells the hurt partner to forgive. "Forgiveness is good for us," we're told. "Good people forgive."
But in my clinical practice of 35 years (mostly working with couples recovering from infidelity), I've found that when someone acts in a hurtful way and isn't able or willing to make meaningful repairs -- for example, a partner cheats, remarries and shows no remorse -- the hurt party chokes on the idea of forgiveness. This makes sense to me. Why are we preaching only to the hurt party? Why not turn to offenders and ask them to earn forgiveness?
The professionals also tell us that we need to forgive in order to heal our wounds and get on with our lives. That's dubious advice, too. Forgiveness that is not earned is what I call "cheap forgiveness."
Until now, there has been no healthy alternative, nothing that lies between the fluffy, inspirational concept of "pure" forgiveness (asking nothing in return) and the hard, cold-hearted response of not forgiving.
What I've developed is a radical, healthy alternative to forgiving that I call "acceptance."
Acceptance is a healing alternative that asks nothing of the offender. When the offender is not sorry, or is not physically available -- when he or she is unable or unwilling to make meaningful repairs -- it is not the job of the hurt party to forgive. But it is the job of the hurt party to rise above the violation and heal him or herself.
In my book, "How Can I Forgive You?, The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To", I spell out 10 steps hurt parties can take to tie up their wounds and heal themselves -- without forgiving an unrepentant offender. These steps include:
Honoring the full sweep of their emotions Giving up their need for revenge but continuing to seek a just resolution Stemming their obsessive focus on the injury and reengaging with life Protecting themselves from further abuse Framing the offender's behavior in terms of the offender's own personal struggles, which may have begun before the hurt party came on the scene Looking honestly at their own contribution to the injury Challenging their false assumptions about what happened Looking at the offender apart from his offense, weighing the good against the bad Carefully deciding what kind of relationship they want with the offender Forgiving themselves for ways they've blamed and shamed themselves with regard to the injury What I call "genuine forgiveness" is reserved for those offenders who have the courage and character to make meaningful amends. Genuine forgiveness is an intimate dance, a hard-won transaction which asks as much of the offender as it does of the hurt party.
To earn forgiveness, offenders must perform bold, humble and heartfelt acts of repair, such as bearing witness to the pain they caused, delivering a meaningful apology, rebuilding trust, and addressing those vulnerabilities that led them to mistreat the hurt party, so that they never violate that person again.
In exchange, hurt parties must work to release their obsessive preoccupation with the injury, accept a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong and create opportunities for the offender to make good. Acceptance is intrapersonal; genuine forgiveness is interpersonal.
For there to be genuine forgiveness, the hurt party needs to complete the 10 steps of acceptance listed above, not alone, but with the helping hand of the offender. Here's a case in point.
Ten years after their divorce, Sara and John were thrown together at their daughter Megan's college graduation, 3,000 miles from home. Sara and John had remarried, but their partners couldn't join them for the four-day ceremony. The nuclear family -- Sara, John, Megan and Megan's sister -- was together for the first time since the divorce. John had had an affair with a woman he then married, and what followed was a bitter divorce and child custody battle.
As the couple was walking across campus, John turned to Sara and said in what she felt was a heartfelt way, "I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you."
Sara was touched. He had never apologized, never taken any responsibility for the chaos he had created in her life or the depression she struggled with for five years after he left home.
She didn't want to make waves -- it was a time of celebration for their daughter -- but she also knew she wouldn't have many chances to talk with John, so she "located her pain" and said what still stuck in her gut.
"I appreciate your apology," she began, "but there's something specific that sits between us that's been gnawing at me, and I'm wondering if you'd like to hear it?"
"Okay, shoot." John said.
"It seems to me that during our divorce and afterwards, you deliberately told the girls horrible lies about me," Sara said. "It seems you went out of your way to alienate them from me. Did you? And, if so, please tell me, why?"
John hesitated, then said, "It's true. I did do that. You know, I don't tend to dig deep into myself. But if I had to be honest, I'd say, after my affair, I was afraid the girls would love you more than me. I want you to know, though, they never fell for my manipulation. They love you too much. I'm really sorry." When the couple met up with their daughters, he apologized again to his wife and to his children.
This is the work of genuine forgiveness. It asks the offender to pay attention to the feelings of the person he or she hurt, take responsibility for the damage caused, offer a meaningful apology and perform concrete acts of repair. It's not a gift from the heart or mind of the hurt party alone.
Genuine forgiveness is a lot like love. We can love or forgive someone alone, someone who doesn't deserve our love or forgiveness (we've all been in those relationships.) But doesn't it feel more satisfying, more genuine, more all-embracing, when the person we love or forgive treats us with acts of consideration and tender regard? Even if it's with an unfaithful or divorcing partner.
This Blogger's Books from
How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis A. Spring
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow, pretty insightful. I think alot of people will agree with this post because it puts some of the focus on the spouse that has decided to leave (either by affair, MLC, WAS, etc). Whether this is the right approach or not it puts the onus on who hurt us. Hope that makes sense.
Thoughts on the ten steps: "Giving up their need for revenge but continuing to seek a just resolution": I am not seeking revenge however I do find myself feeling resentful and angry at times. This is not good for me and I am trying to get through these feelings.
"Stemming their obsessive focus on the injury and reengaging with life.": To me, this is straight DB. GAL, GAL and GAL some more. I need to do more of this.
"Framing the offender's behavior in terms of the offender's own personal struggles, which may have begun before the hurt party came on the scene": We focus so much on ourselves with DB (which is excellent) but our S definitely played a role in the sitch. I am not saying blame the S or focus on this however I do think some people need to read this so as to not beat themselves up to much and be riddled with guilt. It is a balancing act between being able to aknowledge their (spouses) faults and realize that you can't change them with acknowledging you own faults and realizing that is the only thing you can change.
"Looking honestly at their own contribution to the injury": Again straight from DB. Work on yourself. See previous statement.
"Carefully deciding what kind of relationship they want with the offender": I think this is something that most people go through during their sitch. I have seen many members on here question whether they want to even work on their M. One does get beat down during these trials and I think it is natural to question exactly how much you can take. I have had brief moments myself questioning actually what I want. Partly due to my resentment that I struggle with at times. But there is no question that I want my M to work.
"In exchange, hurt parties must work to release their obsessive preoccupation with the injury, accept a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong and create opportunities for the offender to make good. Acceptance is intrapersonal; genuine forgiveness is interpersonal." This is dead on and I don't think I have anything to add to it. This should be posted somewhere for all to see.
In my opinion, cheap forgiveness has its limitations. If it helps you to "forgive" then I guess any forgiveness is beneficial. But to truly be accepted and to have a deep down feeling of letting things go, genuine forgiveness is what is needed.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
My first thought is it boils down to what will allow you to go on with your life undamaged. People lightly call that ability to let go and heal "forgiving" but this article holds the word "forgiving" to a higher standard. Semantically, "accepting" is probably what a lot of people have been calling forgiving. "You're off the hook, I'm not holding it against you, I'm not going to let what happened hold me back anymore, I forgive accept."
It fits for me.
Since I'm on a self-righteousness kick, I think the idea of forgiving my H feels a little more noble than I really am. I've been hurt, and angry, and for my own good and my kids' and because it's the right thing to do I'm going to let go of that. To say to myself "I forgive him" goes just a hair too far for me, I don't really feel I have the right to forgive or stand on high enough ground to say he is forgiven for these things he doesn't reach out to me to express feelings about or try to smooth over with me. But I do "accept," already, I really do. It fits for me.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ad, I hear what you're saying. In your shoes, with everything still happening, I agree with what you are feeling OR I mean, I'd feel the same. For ME the start of forgiving was really just me letting of an an all consuming anger that harmed ME and MY LIFE...make sense?
Grzz, YES A lot of the forgiving part is right out of DBing. Agreed. And what I TRY to do or preach.
The distinction SEEMS to be more about an inbetween "level" she calls "acceptance". And it could apply to say, my dad. He's dead now and though I did forgive him for his actions while he lived, I processed *& continued to forgive him after he died, so I'm not sure how that would apply. Maybe she'd say I "accepted" it more...??
Plus her example below, seems kinda darn easy on "John" who left his w for OW AND bad mouthed his w to boot, for no good reason. She's "okay" with his 3 sentence apology. Really? IS she calling it "genuine forgiveness"? What about "the steps"? I guess I'm a tad confused BUT I do think she makes some good points about GUIDELINES for those who want to piece and need to get past a harm/wrong done.
HERE BELOW, in her example, the ex wife confronts her ex h after years have passed. He left her for OW and married OW. HE bad mouthed his ex.
Suddenly at their d's wedding they are forced together. He said "Oh btw, I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you". Sara (the ex w) was very touched and surprised.
Then she took the opportunity to ask him about the horrible LIES he made up about her to their d's at the time...she asked him why he did that and said how much worse his betrayal made everything for her...
John hesitated, then said, "It's true. I did do that. You know, I don't tend to dig deep into myself. But if I had to be honest, I'd say, after my affair, I was afraid the girls would love you more than me. I want you to know, though, they never fell for my manipulation. They love you too much. I'm really sorry." When the couple met up with their daughters, he apologized again to his wife and to his children. This is the work of genuine forgiveness. It asks the offender to pay attention to the feelings of the person he or she hurt, take responsibility for the damage caused, offer a meaningful apology and perform concrete acts of repair. It's not a gift from the heart or mind of the hurt party alone.
Genuine forgiveness is a lot like love. We can love or forgive someone alone, someone who doesn't deserve our love or forgiveness (we've all been in those relationships.) But doesn't it feel more satisfying, more genuine, more all-embracing, when the person we love or forgive treats us with acts of consideration and tender regard? Even if it's with an unfaithful or divorcing partner.
I totally agree that genuine forgiveness is a lot like love. But how is "John"s words of apology matching the rest of the article?
It's not a biggie, just trying to understand exactly what she means.
Two other thoughts.
I swear I believe if you do not forgive, you are holding onto some pain or anger. Maybe I'm wrong...really. But I don't see how you can move forward & say "I do not forgive" and NOT also mean you are hanging onto the anger or pain, and
that cannot be good for YOU.
Second, forgiving has so little to do w/the other person TO ME. I would not even need to share the fact with the person who harmed me. I guess perhaps this is semantics. For me, it's about letting go...like I said, maybe this is more about semantics.
And recently I said that
sometimes your spouse does something that changes how you see them. Those times, somewhere inside you, you know you'll never see them the same way again. And you feel sad about it b/c something inside has shifted....
is that UNforgiving?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think the line between "acceptance" and "forgiveness" is a razor's edge...
For me, and I am one of those that never got an apology , acceptance was a struggle daily, and it was something that I had to think about. It wasn't easy, yet I noticed that when I stopped thinking about it so much, and started just living the acceptance, that I had actually forgiven....
Quote:
But in my clinical practice of 35 years (mostly working with couples recovering from infidelity), I've found that when someone acts in a hurtful way and isn't able or willing to make meaningful repairs -- for example, a partner cheats, remarries and shows no remorse -- the hurt party chokes on the idea of forgiveness. This makes sense to me. Why are we preaching only to the hurt party? Why not turn to offenders and ask them to earn forgiveness?
The professionals also tell us that we need to forgive in order to heal our wounds and get on with our lives. That's dubious advice, too. Forgiveness that is not earned is what I call "cheap forgiveness."
Until now, there has been no healthy alternative, nothing that lies between the fluffy, inspirational concept of "pure" forgiveness (asking nothing in return) and the hard, cold-hearted response of not forgiving.
What I've developed is a radical, healthy alternative to forgiving that I call "acceptance."
Acceptance is a healing alternative that asks nothing of the offender. When the offender is not sorry, or is not physically available -- when he or she is unable or unwilling to make meaningful repairs -- it is not the job of the hurt party to forgive. But it is the job of the hurt party to rise above the violation and heal him or herself.
This ^^^ is powerful , and brings up a lot of memories for me.
I guess forgiveness means something different for each of us....
Oh....and I am right there with ya on this...
Quote:
Two other thoughts.
I swear I believe if you do not forgive, you are holding onto some pain or anger. Maybe I'm wrong...really. But I don't see how you can move forward & say "I do not forgive" and NOT also mean you are hanging onto the anger or pain, and
that cannot be good for YOU.
Second, forgiving has so little to do w/the other person TO ME. I would not even need to share the fact with the person who harmed me. I guess perhaps this is semantics. For me, it's about letting go...like I said, maybe this is more about semantics.
I have said a thousand times, that anger can be a good thing, as long as it is harnessed as a shield and not as a sword.
Anger is the great propellant to move us from one emotion, or stage, to the next.
A lot of time, when I found myself absorbed in anger, I would take a look to see what was around me at that time, and 99% of the time, I was moving through the process, and into the next stage.
Maybe holding on to the anger is the balance between acceptance and forgiveness ???
But I don't feel angry in general and I don't feel it's appropriate to forgive (I mean it just doesn't feel authentic to me at this point, especially since he's in the MIDDLE of leaving and not asking for forgiveness; if he were asking it would look a lot different to me).
I feel situational anger about specific things atm, but I would not say right now I'm angry that H left or I'm angry that we're divorcing. So I think, at least for me, that Acceptance term is for after the anger. And not really along a line exactly on the route to forgiveness but a separate thing. It's letting go of the anger while the idea of forgiving is not really on the table yet.
and this:
Quote:
Anger is the great propellant to move us from one emotion, or stage, to the next.
A lot of time, when I found myself absorbed in anger, I would take a look to see what was around me at that time, and 99% of the time, I was moving through the process, and into the next stage.
rang very true for me just now. I can see when I feel my emotions boiling under the surface and just feel out of sorts and my thoughts repeatedly return to my sitch, and often I come here and spend more time trying to release whatever it is, I find after it settles down that I'm now in a different frame of reference. I feel differently about things in my sitch in general. Like shedding a layer.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I don’t know when my anger left or why. It is just gone.
I cannot say I forgive her for leaving.
I wasn’t given a choice about acceptance. I either accept the situation I am in and move forward or stagnate and wallow. It took a while and I grieved longer than I wish to admit.
I chose to cease wondering why? That is a long wait for an answer that don’t come.
Too fatalistic? It works for me and follows examples set by my parents
I choose to move forward, make the best of this situation and prepare to move onto a better one.
Perhaps this is acceptance. Having a label for it is less important to me than find this peace.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I feel situational anger about specific things atm, but I would not say right now I'm angry that H left or I'm angry that we're divorcing. So I think, at least for me, that Acceptance term is for after the anger. And not really along a line exactly on the route to forgiveness but a separate thing. It's letting go of the anger while the idea of forgiving is not really on the table yet.
Anger got me to acceptance...
Time, (and acceptance), got me to forgiveness...
You are getting there. I can see it in your posts along the way..
Situational anger...
I remember thinking along these lines..
I would get angry about what she was doing, because I didn't understand it, and then I would get angry because I was missing/losing something.
Then I would get angry because she was missing/losing out on a better person....
Because I couldn't accept what she was doing....
When I finally was able to accept what she was doing, I still didn't understand it, although I went along with it.
When I finally understood what she was doing, and accepted it, I also accepted that she wasn't doing it TO me, but rather for herself.
Then, and only then, had I reached a place where I could fully accept, AND forgive her...
