"The stress would have compiled and effected all other aspects of my day and relationships. Feeling that stress and recognizing it, I tried to stay very even and loving with D15, as I kicked her butt out the door to school. "
Know that feeling. Working on the same approach myself. It's cool to recognize your emotions and just, sort of watch them rather than let them control you.
"So going forward, I want to be able to handle this stuff on my own without needing that affirmation from the one I love. But then on the other hand, isn't that what relationships are supposed to be about? Mutual support?"
Normal R's are. As my DB coach points out, we are not at that stage. We want to get to that stage, but to do so we have to show our spouse that we can connect with them in positive ways. The goal is to get to a point where you know he'll be there for you and you really feel comfortable dumping on him.
As to whether "dumping" on someone is okay in a more stable R, I think that's complex and depends on details. A spouse often feels good if they can support their significant other, but their has to be a connection, not just a feeling of being used as a punching bag, so to speak.
Did you say you're talking to a DB coach soon? I think this is a very good area to get advice specific to your sitch. If I remember right, you're talking to Jody. She's been great for me in giving practical advice and techniques to view where I am trying to get to.
"Maybe it's okay to move on and GAL but there will always be a part of my heart connected to H. "
You can GAL without moving on. That's what I'm working on. They're two different things. You need to GAL no matter what. What do you enjoy doing every day? At some point I may decide I want to move on. Different topic, though.
"I'm not there yet but it feels terribly romantic and foolish to not be moving on. "
Me too. I do not tell anyone I'm waiting for XW to change her mind, because I realize how delusional it sounds. I've reconciled myself with the fact that I might ver well be foolish, and it's a long shot. It's what I want to do, given how I still feel about my XW. If you're at that spot, I hope you have the resolve to fit with your desire.
"I don't have H to bounce stuff off of when it's regarding our own kids and my friends are sick to death of me being needy."
Not sure how you can address this, but I'd say it's important to do so. You don't want to just get H back, just so you can gripe to him.
Glad you are griping on here though, and wishing your strength to stick with it. Sounds like you're really working hard at it.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
