Hey AZ - nah, I have never read that book - though I have heard it referred to here quite a few times. I think during the heat of my tailspin I went into reading overload. Granted, some of it was necessary - but I think that when I started to get myself straightened out a bit more I stopped reading and just tried to start putting some things into practice. For me, at least, I think it is possible to read myself into a wormhole. That is not to say that there isn't any value in the book - I am sure there is. I just had to check out of reading relationship stuff for awhile.
I guess I owe everyone an update, though there has been no major developments. Still holding steady with nonlinear progress (as counter-intuitive as that sounds).
For the last few weeks XW and I have been getting along quite well - though she has had a few emotional fluctuations here and there. Most recently I went to pick S up from her condo a few days ago and she asked me a few friendly questions. I sat on a chair in her living room and answered them. She then prompted me to go.....she apologized and said that she knows I like to hang out and talk a bit but stretching out the exchange after she's had him for a few days is really emotionally difficult for her. I had no idea, but was glad she was honest about it. Not long ago I would have TOTALLY thought that she was angry with me, or simply did not want to be around me....I would have taken it very personally. Exercising a bit of emotional impulse control (though difficult) really helps curtail the mind reading. Which, in this case, would have be completely wrong.
After I got home with S I texted her and said that I was sorry that she was hurting and that I was not aware that my staying to talk made the exchange harder for her. I committed to being a bit more "in-tune" with the situation next time around.
The days prior to me picking him up I had e-mailed her suggesting that maybe we all skip town over the weekend and do something together (NOTE TO NEWCOMERS: there are certain stages in the process where you should not this ^^^^ - and I did my time there. Fortunately, things have improved to a point in my sitch where it is OK to do so....take time). She seemed interested but didn't offer too many suggestions.
Long story short, we ended up not doing anything together....she didn't even make it to church on Sunday where we typically meet up. Additionally, she was uncharacteristically silent over the weekend (didn't text asking about S, etc.).
By Sunday it was pretty clear something was eating at her. She texted and asked to talk to S. Bottom line - she missed him terribly and was very, very sad. She said that she didn't get back to me on doing things this weekend because she doesn't like him to see her when she is sad - and it hurts her to see him for a few hours and then have to leave him again...she was really struggling.
All I said was that I was sorry that she was hurting and if I could help let me know.
And then this text exchange happened -
Her: Just seems like we are in same spot a year later.... No progress, no gain. Just stuck. Or maybe just "I" and in the same spot not we.
Me: I for sure see how you see things that way. I feel somewhat differently - but understand your feelings.
Her: How do you see it ?
Me: One year ago we didn't really have a lot of open communication about feelings and were still in the middle of the D process. We couldn't talk much, and when we did a lot of anger and hard feelings came out. (The night of the comedy show, for example). And I think I was still fresh off of trying to change, open my mind, re prioritize , and calm down. Not to mention eat without barfing. You had no reason or proof to trust me. I think we (or maybe "I", I don't know) have gotten beyond that point. I read somewhere that couples in and through the D process sometimes suffer a form of PTSD. I guess it sorta like the body and mind protecting itself from incredibly trying times. I think we ("I") am still recovering from that stage but much further along than I was a year ago. But I can only speak for me.
And that as basically it. Not sure if it was the right thing to say - but it came out and she didn't dispute or challenge.
SOOOOO, tonight I had to hand S over - we did it over dinner. Ironically enough at The Rock Bottom Brewery. S was a little cranky and it was clearly frustrating XW. I just walked him out of the restaurant for a little bit.
When I got back, she seemed down. She basically said that she feels as though there is too much change on a weekly basis. Time with me at my place, time at school, time with my parents, time with the baby sitter, time with her at her place. It seem like a lot for him to go through. I am starting to think that he knows when the exchanges are going to happen and he gets sad...and then cranky.
When I picked him up after being with her for 5 days he barely spoke to me the whole ride home. It was obvious he was sad. And today as I was strapping him into XW's car he just kind of sobbed and said "I want to go to daddy's house". That always breaks my heart.
I guess what I am saying is that part of me believes that XW is starting to see a possible emotional toll all of this is taking on our S....and on her. Not sure what it means or what she will or will not do about it - and it is for HER to figure out, not me. It is clearly part of what she has to work through.
At any rate, she is on break next weeks and proposed we all go somewhere or do something....her idea, not mine. We'll see what happens.
