post-D with WAW

[azguy]

Hmm, another good one. It's something I've been trying to get my head around since starting IC last spring, after BD.

I'm someone who is into my work, to a fault. It's an academic position, so in addition to being demanding, it's work I would do even if no one were paying me, essentially. This is something I went through with my counselor. My father was a pastor. Growing up, I learned, early on, that his work was sacred, (literally). I modeled that in my adult life, without even really thinking it through. If I had a work obligation, all personal stuff was secondary. It's taken me some time to realize this imbalance has made me miserable, and by extension my W.

I was insecure in our relationship. You might say I had some of the codependent tendencies. If I thought I saw my W pulling away, we'd have an argument over it. This came across as controlling (similar traits to what reb9597 describes in her thread). I never really learned about boundaries in a R. If she were doing something "wrong" not only would I want to tell her, I'd get upset if she didn't listen to my advice. After all, I was her H, didn't she trust me? This is behavior I learned from my family, and it's taken me years to realize is a poor way to interact with others.

Of course, this is not what my personal ad would say There, I'd say I'm an active, curious person who enjoys trying new experiences, and loves the southwest. I am getting the hang of the GAL approach, and building the best life I can. This whole train wreck has shown me what I consider to be important, and what can be given less emphasis. It's given me strength to reorganize my life so that I am enjoying it, not dreading the grind. Still miss her, though.