Need to let go

[ThisDayForward]

little great job. keep up the work. you have your H thinking. You said you felt stress free w/out H around. Keep up the GAL. It helps. Act as if. Keep working on yourself. Good job thanking him for doing laundry.

[AnotherStander]

If we're doing it right, our life is not on hold, and we are busy living our new life. Enjoying our life does not require anything from another person.

That is partially true, but for me companionship is an important component to my life, I am not interested in living life alone. I'm not saying I need to be codependent, I just like sharing life with others, particularly someone I'm in love with. So perhaps I should have said I don't want to put my "love life" on hold indefinitely rather than "life" because my life is certainly not on hold.

Personally, I'd wonder more what the odds are of finding "true love". (whatever that means to you) Certainly you'd agree you and your W had it for years.

W says we never had true love, and after having thought about it a lot over the last 9 months I think she's right. We were always more friends and companions than starstruck lovers to each other. It's really strange that we ever got married, it's like we did it because we were like "well we've dated 5 years, I guess we should get married now".

Will your next "true love" relationship last longer than your present 20+ year M? The odds say nope.

My M is dead, it's never coming back. DB'ing says we need to look at this as starting a new R and M with our spouse. But is that something we want with the person our spouse has become? That's the question we're discussing here. People change. I'm not the person my W married and she's not the person I married. Should the two of us that exist TODAY forge a new marriage together because the kids we once were got married 20 years ago? Maybe, maybe not. That's the question many of us are asking ourselves. Either way we're starting over, whether it's with our old spouse or with a new person.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks for your reply AS, it makes sense. The only thing I'd question is this comment:

W says we never had true love, and after having thought about it a lot over the last 9 months I think she's right. We were always more friends and companions than starstruck lovers to each other. It's really strange that we ever got married, it's like we did it because we were like "well we've dated 5 years, I guess we should get married now".

Could this be re-writing of history based on recent feeligs in order to justify D? I have a difficult time believing that a couple who stayed in a 20 year marriage were never in love.

Saying "we had it, lost it, and aren't interested in working on getting it back" makes more sense to me.

I'm not looking for an answer to this, just throwing it out there for everyone else to consider on thier journey.

[littleGTO]

"Saying "we had it, lost it, and aren't interested in working on getting it back" makes more sense to me."

Yep, FY, this is what I believe is H's current thinking.

I'm with AS about whether or not I want H back. Definitely not as is. Back as time goes on and I remove myself more and more (detach) I'm starting to look at him and really wonder if I was wearing rose-colored glasses for a long time. I really put him on a pedestal in which he doesn't belong.

Now his imperfections which I was perfectly happy to live before seem bigger somehow. Not to mention he is definitely a different person to me.

[tori2012]

GTO, it seems you're detaching. You can only truly love someone when you see them as they are. You don't expect perfection, you don't put him on a pedestal, you accept them for who they truly are, and you are okay with them living life the way the choose to live it. This does not mean you will accept being mistreated, so love yourself and establish boundaries.

Your H is under a lot of stress. He seems to be softening a bit. You sound so much more composed, and I'm happy for that.

Also happy you enjoyed tennis! :-)

[RockJC]

//W says we never had true love, and after having thought about it a lot over the last 9 months I think she's right.//

I am not sure what people mean when they say "True love" I like to think of the song in Fiddler on the roof.

Golde..."

Do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I what?

(Tevye)
Do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you?
With our daughters getting married
And this trouble in the town
You're upset, you're worn out
Go inside, go lie down!
Maybe it's indigestion

(Tevye)
"Golde I'm asking you a question..."

Do you love me?

(Golde)
You're a fool

(Tevye)
"I know..."

But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

(Tevye)
Golde, The first time I met you
Was on our wedding day
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net .]
I was scared

(Golde)
I was shy

(Tevye)
I was nervous

(Golde)
So was I

(Tevye)
But my father and my mother
Said we'd learn to love each other
And now I'm asking, Golde
Do you love me?

(Golde)
I'm your wife

(Tevye)
"I know..."
But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I've lived with him
Fought with him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that's not love, what is?

(Tevye)
Then you love me?

(Golde)
I suppose I do

(Tevye)
And I suppose I love you too

(Both)
It doesn't change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It's nice to know

[littleGTO]

Thanks, Tori,

Over the weekend I had a hard, but I felt needed conversation w my boys about WHY their dad moved out. S14 said to C at first session when she asked if boys knew why he moved out, "Because grandma died."

This has been bothering me a lot that they think this is the major reason he left. While his M's illness/passing DID contribute/trigger his perception of life (he agrees w this) it is not the main reason.

I had already talked to S9 about this, as he is very verbal about things and asking questions, but hadn't brought this up with the other 2 boys. I told them "while mommies and daddies ALWAYS love their children sometimes mommies and daddies stop loving each other. Daddy stopped loving me. I still love daddy. That's why he moved out. He is not planning to move back any time soon. Some mommies and daddies get a D, but we have not talked about this at all. But it is a possibility. It is not what I want for our family at all."

I felt I owed it to them to be honest to the degree they could handle.

S11 cried and hugged me for a long time. He desperately wants his dad to come back home. S14 reacted very sadly but didn't talk about it at all, as is his MO.

Glad they are seeing a C. I told her what I had said to the boys and she seemed surprised that I had "taken this on all myself." I told her I thought it was time and they deserved that (honesty) from me.

My H wanted to know what I talked to C about & called me later to ask. I told him. He was upset I didn't let him know in advance of this conversation and include him in it.

I told him it had been lingering on my mind for a while & I just thought it was the appropriate time and me doing it alone felt like what I thought was best for them. (I actually don't think I could have handled the conversation so well if H had been involved. Plus I feel he would have felt the need to defend himself somehow, rather than just stating the reason simply.

I did remain very calm when I told him and I validated his feelings of wanting to be included in "big conversations with the kids." I said in the future I would try to be more considerate of his feelings about this.

One last important thing (I think)- 3 times he asked me if I told the kids he was NEVER moving back or that he wasn't moving back right now. Interesting he asked about this 3 times when I told him "not moving back right now."

[littleGTO]

Oh, and you're right, Tori, I wasn't wearing rose-colored glasses at all. I just accepted him for who he was flaws and all...and loved all of him. Still do.

Just wondering where the "real" H has gone.

[ForeverYoung]

Wow Lil'G, like your C, I'm really proud of the job you did talking with the boys. You did great, and I agree they needed to hear your explanation without H there defending himself.

Rock: Great song! Thanks for posting.

[adinva]

I love Fiddler on the Roof, but now to me that song sounds like a Words-of-Affirmation struggling to get his needs met by an Acts-of-Service, which is sad because it sounds like my marriage.