Need to let go

[littleGTO]

Thanks, Tori,

Over the weekend I had a hard, but I felt needed conversation w my boys about WHY their dad moved out. S14 said to C at first session when she asked if boys knew why he moved out, "Because grandma died."

This has been bothering me a lot that they think this is the major reason he left. While his M's illness/passing DID contribute/trigger his perception of life (he agrees w this) it is not the main reason.

I had already talked to S9 about this, as he is very verbal about things and asking questions, but hadn't brought this up with the other 2 boys. I told them "while mommies and daddies ALWAYS love their children sometimes mommies and daddies stop loving each other. Daddy stopped loving me. I still love daddy. That's why he moved out. He is not planning to move back any time soon. Some mommies and daddies get a D, but we have not talked about this at all. But it is a possibility. It is not what I want for our family at all."

I felt I owed it to them to be honest to the degree they could handle.

S11 cried and hugged me for a long time. He desperately wants his dad to come back home. S14 reacted very sadly but didn't talk about it at all, as is his MO.

Glad they are seeing a C. I told her what I had said to the boys and she seemed surprised that I had "taken this on all myself." I told her I thought it was time and they deserved that (honesty) from me.

My H wanted to know what I talked to C about & called me later to ask. I told him. He was upset I didn't let him know in advance of this conversation and include him in it.

I told him it had been lingering on my mind for a while & I just thought it was the appropriate time and me doing it alone felt like what I thought was best for them. (I actually don't think I could have handled the conversation so well if H had been involved. Plus I feel he would have felt the need to defend himself somehow, rather than just stating the reason simply.

I did remain very calm when I told him and I validated his feelings of wanting to be included in "big conversations with the kids." I said in the future I would try to be more considerate of his feelings about this.

One last important thing (I think)- 3 times he asked me if I told the kids he was NEVER moving back or that he wasn't moving back right now. Interesting he asked about this 3 times when I told him "not moving back right now."