I know that you are struggling to understand your wife's total lack of interest in sex. I know how important sex/intimacy is to a relationship.
I feel that if one of the members of a marriage partnership is uninterested in a real marriage and one of those partners needs are not being met it is time to do some serious thinking about the future of the relationship.
I know that I have posted before that I was married once before to a young man that said sex with me would make me "dirty" like his mother. He could not and would not meet my needs emotionally, physically, or spiritually. All he did was make me feel bad about myself and sad and very lonely.
I was only 20 years and one month old (!) when I left him. I told him when I left that he had not been my husband, lover or friend and that I would find someone that would love all of me.
I have never regretted leaving him - sorry that the situation arose - but never have I been sorry that I left him.
I have monitored your posts and I feel for you because I have been there where you are. It was so frustrating being married to my ex. He had the NERVE to tell me that he couldn't have sex with me because he was saving his strength to play baseball on the weekend! I was at my most desirable then - and my husband was more interested in baseball than sex with me.
I know that you have 3 children and it is not something to be taken lightly. I know that you are a Christian man and that too is a serious consideration. I do believe that your wife is taking this all too lightly though. It is like she knows she has you over a barrel. She is safe, warm, and happy so to speak, so there is no incentive for her to change her behavior. Why should she?
I believe that the time will come Cemar, when you will have to tell her that the current situation is intolerable to you. If she knows that her current situation is threated it could be the catalyst for change.
I know that I have stated that my current marriage used to be very stormy in spite of the fact that we had a great sex life. He wanted to always to his own thing - he didn't want to "answer" to anybody. He didn't ever want to feel that someone had control over his heart or mind. He kept me at arms length.
When we were married about 3 years I finally had enough. Didn't want a divorce - had already been there and done that. He knew that and I think used that knowledge to his own advantage. Finally even I had had enough.
He was shocked right down to his little toes - so was his mother. As long as I went along like a happy or unhappy little wife everything was ok. When I decided that enought was enough and that I deserved better I left.
He decided to make some changes. No one was more shocked than me. He has come a long way in 21 years and I am glad now that I stayed and we worked things out but if he had not made the changes I would have made the change for him.
You deserve a spouse who is interested in a marriage - not a roommate. Only you have the power to change that. You can tell her that there is a job opening for Cemar's wife and does she want to fill the position. If not - let her know that you are serious about making changes in your life. For your family's sake I hope that she chooses the position as Cemar's wife - not roommate.
You are probably right, somewhere down the road divorce is probably an option. I have not reached that point just yet, I want to make sure every stone that can be turned is before I give up. I alos have 3 young boys, and they certainly never asked for any of this. They need me and I need them. Often I think that I MUST forsake my life so that theirs is a good life, you know us fathers are supposed to lay it on the line for family. Is my happiness more important then thiers? So far I keep voting for their happiness over mine, but I still have the torture of thinking about mine, and I know this is not right. I currently know an older gentlemen who is in his 50's with children younger then mine, and he and his wife plan to divorce when the children leave home as well. I look at him and see a man that will be in his 60's when he finally moves out from his wife, and his love life will be in the waning years we he gets his freedom. You know, to hear his wife talk about him you would think he is a jerk, and yet, he is basically giving up his life for his kids. He will be in his 60's when he finally leaves his wife and can start thinkng about his own needs again!
You know what's worst of all, thinking to myself if I am some kind of selfish pervert. Should I want sex and intimacy so much? Is it selfish to leave my family for these needs? Other guys tough it out. Why can't I learn accept a sexless marriage like most guys end up with.
The last thing I would want for anyone would be to break up their marriage. You truly warm my heart when you say that you want to put your children's happiness above your own. Your wife is a lucky woman and probably doesn't even know how lucky.
I know that several posts to you and others have said that you will have to be willing to play a high stakes poker game with her. I believe that if she truly realized that you are unhappy to the point that you want out of the marriage that this might be what could make her look into ways that would bring back intimacy into your marriage.
My husband and I have seperated 3 times in 21 years and one other time I told him I had had enough and to please vacate the premises immediately. At that time I had a very good paying career and he knew that I did not need him financially to make it with my 3 children. The shock on his face was classic. This happened I believe in 1996 so it wasn't that long ago.
He could be a first class jerk to me. I know that he has had this Crohns for a long time and that was probably some of the problem but I finally decided that I was not going to be his doormat any longer.
He later said that people often hurt the one they love the most because they feel they love them enough to take it. I have told him over the years that if I had treated him the way he treated me that we would have divorced years before.
We have been through many stormy years and he has now become almost a perfect husband execpt for the LD and the LD in our marriage is not as severe as some that I have read about on this board. My point is this: I had to be willing to chuck it all to effect any change in him.
You may find that if you tell her you have had enough of the roommate treatment and that all you want is a viberant marriage with the woman you love and the mother of your chilren or that you will cease to be her roommate/doormat.
These are hard steps to take - they are frightening. I can remember being scared, angry and most of all sad. It was like the more I loved him the more he put up walls around himself. I finally gave up and when I did - that is when a change was made.
I will be praying for you my friend. I know that alot of your anger stems from sadness and my heart hurts for you.
You are not a selfish pervert. I sometimes feel that way myself but you want a normal loving relationship with your spouse. You have not changed - she has. Did she think you were a pervert when you married her? Most likely NOT! My ex made me feel like a nymphomaniac. He had the problem not me. You are not selfish to want a spouse that returns your affection.
Pray about this day and night and ask God to guide you. God says that we are to love our spouses as ourselves. If everyone did that there would be only happiness in marriage but that is often not the case! Give this post some consideration. As I said the last thing I want to see is divorce - it hurts everyone - but you should also have a happy union - that helps everyone - especially your children.