Sorry your H is being such an a$$. This is what I've heard most S's going thru a D can expect though. No more niceties. No more "I really do care about you even though..." No more "we'll work this out in a congenial way."
It gets ugly. That's why D has the reputation it does.
I think it's to help us make the emotional detachment we need to get through this.
He is selfish. He cares about you (even though his actions say otherwise) BUT he cares about himself more. He just does. He is reliving his teenage years all over again.
Take care of yourself, Tori. You are way above all the underhanded crap he is trying to pull over on you.
Just let your L handle it.
God will be with you through all of this...trust this. You will come out of it all a better, healthier, stronger, more clear-minded person. AND, you will be ready for a healthy R when all the dust settles!
(((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Tori, I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you are in. I can only imagine.
I agree with the words of wisdom from LilG above. H is being an ass and you should let your L handle things.
As for this:
"So I had a pretty crappy M after all."
I doubt you would have married him, stayed all those years, and DB for 2-3 years on top of that, if you truly felt this way all along. Remember, feelings come and go, and your present feelings are based on his most recent actions.
So, allow yourself to be angry with him, even hate him for what he is now doing, but then I want you to then let go of that... for you. Maybe go to the gym and beat up a punching bag while screaming.
Much easier said than done I know, but you can't allow him to dictate your feelings. ((((HUGS))))
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hey you... Add HUGS to your list for a happy M. The real kind of hugs. The ones that make you feel truly valued for all that you are (the many strengths you possess).
Sorry I haven't been around in awhile. Piecing and transitioning jobs make for lots to do.
Please keep in mind that although I havent posted in awhile, that you have been in my thoughts.
GTO, your words are so comforting--every single one of them. Thank you. I'm looking forward to the day when we'll meet in person.
FY, I did go to kickboxing today, and it felt great :-) About your comments, I always struggled with the fact that my H didn't show any empathy or compassion for anyone. I loved him and overlooked this, but he had always been this way. Very self-centered. He does have some good qualities to him, but he needs to learn and grow so much, and I sometimes doubt he'll be able to do it in this lifetime. My connection with my true self/spirit is so clean that I'm able to bounce back quickly, so that's good :-)
Andrew, I've missed you. Thank you for stopping by. I can see how busy you've been. Will add hugs to my list!
Update: I spoke with the L today, and he asked me to send him all the evidence I have of my H's affair. I have a lot, including videos he took of himself and the OW in the hotel room where he was staying. Yes, imagine how hard it was for me to see that!! So I hope it doesn't come down to having to show this in court, bc then my H will see how much damage he is doing to himself by having this nasty attitude. The L suggested something they do in court, in which you meet with impartial L's and they tell you the expected alimony amount. This way my H can get a better idea that what I'm asking for is fair. The L he contacted seems to be some money-hungry, inexperienced guy who made things a lot worse.
Keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers. I'm talking to my H tomorrow about this resource we could tap into, and will also propose other options such as having a MC as a mediator (a lot cheaper.) With his attitude, though, it'll be a challenge. We'll see. I'm still sending him positive energy and love (although I am beyond angry at him and don't want to have anything to do with him AT ALL after the D.)
I spoke with my H this AM, and he had a completely different attitude. He actually agreed on the support amount I needed to cover my expenses. He didn't agree on other items, but the main issue was the support amount. He said he also wanted to resolve things peacefully, and was quick to document his requests so I would submit it to my L for review. He wants to have a court date ASAP.
He sounded sincere. But then when I emailed my L (I'm meeting with him tomorrow) and sent him my H's requests, he replied, "Don't believe everything he says." That got me thinking. I mean, my H has been such a liar and a cheater. He's really good at lying. Is he hiding something? My gut tells me he's not, but I've been tricked before. It does sound weird that he had this change of heart so quickly. I could attribute it to my spiel yesterday about me wanting peace as my main goal (we talked for 5-10 minutes yesterday, and that's basically what I said.) Could this have made such an impact? Thoughts?
With his proposal, I would be "losing" some material stuff I could've probably gained had we gone to trial, especially with the reality of his adultery. It's about $10K/year. But I don't want to go to trial. Should I just settle? What he proposed is fair...a little better for him, financially, but fair enough.
Look forward to your thoughts ASAP before I talk to the L tomorrow.
He sounded sincere. But then when I emailed my L (I'm meeting with him tomorrow) and sent him my H's requests, he replied, "Don't believe everything he says." That got me thinking. I mean, my H has been such a liar and a cheater. He's really good at lying. Is he hiding something? My gut tells me he's not, but I've been tricked before. It does sound weird that he had this change of heart so quickly. I could attribute it to my spiel yesterday about me wanting peace as my main goal (we talked for 5-10 minutes yesterday, and that's basically what I said.) Could this have made such an impact? Thoughts?
With his proposal, I would be "losing" some material stuff I could've probably gained had we gone to trial, especially with the reality of his adultery. It's about $10K/year. But I don't want to go to trial. Should I just settle? What he proposed is fair...a little better for him, financially, but fair enough.
Look forward to your thoughts ASAP before I talk to the L tomorrow.
Don't L's try to extend it and go to trial for their own financial interests?
I agree that avoiding trial is worth something. That's guaranteed to increase costs. (and pain, I would think)
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I met with the L, and he insists on keeping the terms of the agreement. I told him that my H wouldn't sign. He said, "okay." I told him, "My H will want to go to trial!" He responded okay again. He says that I should continue bargaining for the extra income I referred to in my previous post, and that the changes that my H proposed were "not the law" and he would never advise me to add that to the agreement. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to talk to my H again tomorrow...
Why don't you weigh all the options? I see a few: -take the husband deal and be done. Your peace of mind benefits - take lawyer advice and say no. Your pocketbook benefits. And you get what is actually owed.
You have to live with this right? Earlier on you posted something about your choices being yours etc etc. pertaining to husband, but this pertains to you to and it smells ever so slightly of not wanting to rock the relationship boat.
I think you are strong enough to make the decision that is best for you alone and whether it is one or the other, you will pick what's best for you at this point in your life. Do what you want to do.
