Offering to rub her back is something that use to be second nature. I need to get out of offering to help. That is part of my "fixer" mentality. Another example is at night she will say "I am cold". Previously that meant "hold me". It has taken sooo much will power to not try, but I haven't. Maybe it is a test. Maybe I am mind reading again. STOP IT!
It is hard to not be around her logistically. I don't get home from work until later in the evening and by the time we eat and get the kids ready for bed that doesn't leave much time for me to get away.
As I eluded to in my previous posts, if I were to leave and just go sit in another room, that may be perceived as me being PA or "mad about something".
PMA, GAL and stop offering to "help" her. Got it.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Well... offering to give comfort can also be considered part of a loving friendship as well. It's not so much that the question was asked, it's your response that could use work.
Like stated above, you could really solve the problem by saying 'If there's anything I can to to help, just let me know' and then happily go about your current activity.
The 'I'm cold' comment can be answered with a 'Would like a blanket?'. Whatever the answer, don't leave the room immediately. Hang around for a few minutes, be happy, then carry on. Remember, it's all part of PMA, and not a show though.
Regardless of how you respond to what's going on around you, she could take the response as P/A - until you show her you really are happy, even when being respectful of her boundaries and feelings.
Interesting event last night. W said she was going to sleep on the couch. I said ok. She then remembered the blankets were dirty because D4 had been sick and was using them. She said she couldn't go because the blankets were dirty. I told her that I had washed them and they were in the dryer. She didnt respond and then got in our bed (on the other side on the edge however). Just seemed odd that she didnt go ahead and go to the other room when I told her the blankets were clean. Maybe this acting "as if" does work some.
Tonight however she has already said that she was sleeping in the other room with D4 since she is sick. She doesn't really need someone to sleep with her. Just a good excuse to go. I continued my "as if" approach.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I was thinking today about the start of my sitch (or what I feel was the start) and some of what W said initially. Several months ago when W started to withdraw (when her job was in the tank and her health problems were beginning) I nagged her about why she was withdrawn. She initially said that she was stressed and depressed about work and health. The more she withdrew/distanced the more I moped around and the more I pressed her for what was wrong. Continually asking if we were ok. This really wore on her. She actually told me that all she wanted was for me to act "normal".
Fast forward a few weeks and I eventually called her friend to ask about W, W found out and blew up! Everything downhill from there. W friend told me later on that W said initially it had nothing to do with me but now it does. Said she doesn't have the energy to deal with my whining.
So, what does this have me thinking? Do I try to act "normal". Act like I did, let's say in June of last year? Is it too late to try to go back to that.
Do I not pursue as many have suggested. FWIW, I have backed off alot already. But this is not acting "normal".
I have not said ILY in a long time (this breaks my heart). I do not act like I acted prior to my pouting about her distancing.
She loved the "normal" me. I am not the normal me with my changes/distancing and not pursuing.
Now on the other side, after bomb drop I really pursued and W said I was smothering her. The smothering was not the normal me either.
Have I swung the pendulum too far the other way? It's really tough knowing the right thing to do. Maybe I just need some advice to just stay the course. Or maybe different advice altogether if anyone has any.
Thanks ahead of time for the insight.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Just what I see, first, you really have no idea when the sitch started for your W so trying to figure that out and base your moving forward on that assumption seems hopeless. You move forward being the man you want to be, not trying to be the man you think your W might want you to be.
Two, you don't know what her definition of "normal" is so how can you try to be that?
Here's what you do know she didn't like you nagging at her she didn't like you moping and continually asking if she was OK she didn't like you going behind her back and talking to her friend
Have you changed these types of behaviors? Have you GALed? Are you doing things that are for you, that make you happy?
I get the impression from your posts that you are doing all the things she didn't like, only you're doing them silently. Do you get what I'm saying?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks labug. I just took "normal" to be, act as I acted before I got all down and mopey. That is not me. I am such an upbeat person. Very energetic. But when I thought something was wrong with US, it sent my head spinning.
I never really nagged her before. So that was definitely different.
But you are correct that I am sad. I am trying so hard to put on a happy face. It has definitely improved but I still have work to do.
It's kind of ironic that one of the things that she doesn't like is seeing me down and mopey but her being withdrawn because I am down and mopey makes me down and mopey.
I have stopped talking to her friends. I am GALing some. Alot with my girls. I have been reading more (never was a reader) and going to ball games.
Thanks again for checking in.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Read more on detaching. It will help you in separating your emotions from the actions of others.
From the Livestrong site about detaching, Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
Do something everyday that is just for you. Spending time with your kids is great but that's about them, not you. They shouldn't be the key to you finding your own life. Kids need parents who have their own happiness.
Find you and what makes you happy independent of others.
You can do this, but it's work.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Try this: Find a brick wall. Mark an 'X' on it right at forehead height. Anytime you find yourself trying to 'figure out what has happened' introduce your forehead to the brick wall, repeatedly. It will take you much less time to achieve the same headache as you would get from thinking too much about your sitch.
Trust me, I've been down this road before.
labug is absolutely right in her post above.
GAL, stop doing what she was complaining about. Get yourself back to where you're happy with who you are, be a great dad and a great man. Even if it ends up that your W doesn't change her mind, the changes you make in your life will be what's best in the long run for you and your girls.
I'm living that right now myself. I can't change anything that has happened between my W and I, but, my R with my daughters has never been better, and they are getting along really well with their mother - regardless of the outcome between W and I, those R's must go on...
Grizz you have been given great advice. What you experienced with your wife is common. What I mean is that she doesn't feel like herself and you smother her with your behavior and anxiety and basically push her off the cliff. Why do I know this you ask? I did it myself. My wife had panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. I kept trying to fix her. You know what she said to me Grizz? She said "all I want you to be is normal" sound familiar.
Grizz get your anxiety in check. Start working on yourself and stop worrying about your wife. Ok? As matter of fact can you go a week without posting what SHE is doing? Can you?
What are you doing to gal? List it and then double it What are you doing for self growth? List it , then triple it
Become a man only a fool would want to leave and if she leaves she is a fool. You are not even remotely close to being that person. What are you going to start doing TONIGHT in the moment to change the dynamics of your marriage.
If you don't think they notice you are wrong and never self promote your work
