Did someone here say, "don't believe a thing they say and only half of what they do"? She told me she was only stating how she felt at the time. We have all read that here too. I think it was either 25yrsmlc, Sandi2 or Cadet who said that. Thank you, veterans for helping us all out on these boards!!
That is one of the DB 180 tips, I'm surprised you don't know that. You should know at least the intent of all of the DB tips by heart by now even if you don't have them memorized word-for-word. Read Sandi's sticky at the top of this forum and work on those tips every day, they are your road map on how to act and what to say to the WAS.
I saved those tips to a document and looked at them every single morning for months. It's like all of DR condensed into a handful of snippets.
The good thing is my wife has been talking. I'm not bringing up the r talks. She's initiating. It's scary though. I am never sure that what I say to her is taken the way I intend.
She tells me I seem happy, and I am. I choose to look on things around me and be thankful for what I and we have.
From here in out I think I should really concentrate on just listening to her and hearing what she has to say. She knows where I am at. I don't learn anything by talking about me.
ohhhh good point!! gotta remember that one!! "I don't learn anything by talking about me"....LOVE IT!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Just got back from spending about 5 hours with my wife.
We've been filling out paperwork for some testing we are having done on our oldest. Since day one, her behavior has been a challenge and they are thinking we may be dealing with autism. Needless to say, this has been a tremendous stress on us as a family and its been a source of strife for almost a decade.
We worked well together today. We always have when we have a common goal. However, I felt at a loss for words when we were finished with the papers. We all went to dinner as a family. There were long periods of silence between us. Like we both were only there together because of the kids.
There were lots of times when she spoke only to our children. We have done so little together over the past 6 months that it seems like we don't even know what to talk about anymore. It seemed quite awkward at times. I really have begun to feel much more comfortable when around her for only short periods of time. This is quite disappointing. We used to be so easy together.
Do any of you find that you feel like you are under a microscope with your WAS? My wife quite often says things to me like "I think you are saying things to me that you think you are supposed to say". This was said to me last night while watching TV together. I had made mention that she has a lot of insight into things that I am not as knowledgeable about or skilled at, such as discerning things about people. I used to not listen to anything she said. I had a need to be right.
After she said that to Me she started expressing her hurt, frustration and anger over my past behavior. I have been a pretty good punching bag. I didn't defend myself. Just said I don't feel that way anymore. Is she saying this stuff because of her fear that I'm just pretending? Or is she just hitting me to express her burning anger at me? Both?
Just gonna be the new me. I really would love to share life together with her.
Pathfinder, the very same comment was made to me. Last week, during one of my pushing rel'p convo's where he was nodding in agreement. H said "I feel you are going to be on your best behaviour"... and I replied back "well, we will just have to wait and see". He then said "good answer".
Who knows??
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Wfm, I like how your answer of "we will just have to wait and see" not only addressed his remark to you, but it also reminded him that he will never know if he just bolts. I think your response was worded well. Keep giving him space! Let him come to you!!
WOW... Tx, pf2.... I did "something" right? I sooooo want him to come to me. This will be a complete 180 for both of us, as I am the pursuer in our entire rel'p. In every area, including affection and sex. If you can imagine, he will not initiate even THAT, he will get p!ssed however, if I don't. So, it will be a nice balance for a better rel'p if he makes the effort.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I forgot to add that my efforts to detach, be happy, and GAL, all seem to be communicating to my wife that I WANT to get rid of her. She seems to me to be resentful that I seem to be "taking this so well" and am adapting "so easily". That is why I talked to her to let her know I still loved her and would rather we reconcile than part ways. I am walking a tightrope of trying to make sure I am taking care of myself, but also leave the door open for her to approach me. I think a week with her out of town has served me well in that I feel better about being alone. I really had a fear of it before and I don't fear it as much anymore. That can only be good.
You posted this awhile ago, but yes I encounter this same issue too. The act of GAL and detaching makes my wife think that I'm moving away from her. Then I'm in the wierd spot of reassuring her that it is not true.
