My wife is having affair with a mutual friend

[adinva]

So sorry that you are here, but you've found a good place with a lot of caring people and a few wise ones!

To provide clarification to your story:

My wife of 30 years is having an affair with a mutaul friend of ours. Not sure how long it has been going on, but I think for aleast a year. She does not know that I know about it, and has noticed my change in attitude and demenor. She keeps asking me what is wrong, but I can't bring myself to confront her with what I know.

How do you know for a fact about this affair, and do you know for a fact if it is physical or not yet?
Do you know for a fact that she doesn't know you know? Asking you what is wrong could be her trying to broach the subject, the elephant in the room - it sounds like you are assuming that she doesn't know because he hasn't said anything and hasn't acted differently, but that is mind-reading. Try to stick with actual facts.

What is so confuseing to me about all of this is that she is still very loving to me and seems to be genuingly concerned about my well being. She still tells me she loves me, and will hug and kiss me the same way she always has. The only thing I have seen any change in is our sex life. She has refused my advances on a few occasions and the few times we have done it, she seemed a little disengaged.

You mean, in a year, you've approached her a few times and ML a few, so maybe six approaches over the whole year? Is that a change from last year? Would you describe your desire as evenly matched over the course of your marriage, or was she wanting more than you or vice versa?

What else was potentially broken in your marriage, now that you look back over it? Has she told you anything she was unhappy about?

I concluded that she might have been feeling guilty having sex with me and felt like she was being unfaithful to the other guy.

You have to really try to train yourself not to mindread. It will generally hurt you, is often wrong, and is useless with regard to the solution based approach of DB. There are other conclusions you could draw from that scenario.

She is obviously in love with this man and is very happy with their relationship.

Mindreading, bigtime. Even if she's actually saying it to someone, it's not necessarily true. That's where "believe half of what she does and none of what she says" comes into play.

She and our mutual friend still expect me to hang out together and do things. I'm not sure how I'm going to react when we do finaly get together.

I think you should get to work on yourself right now, try to get the ground back under your feet and figure out what kind of a marriage you want in your future, and then lovingly get this out in the open with your W before you find yourself trying to fake it with them. But - if you can afford coaching that would be a much better source of guidance than me on that particular issue.

I don't think she is looking to dump me and be with him. She seems to want to have both worlds simultaneously, the routine and security of our marriage and the excitement and fun of the other man.

That's called cake eating, and it's common. You may find some comfort or at least camaraderie in reading other threads here and seeing what other cheating spouses say and do. There's a lot of script, and sometimes it helps you to not take it so personally when you can see it's a script much like others have used.

That said, it's also mindreading. You really don't know what's going through her mind, you won't, and the sooner you stop trying to figure it out and get more focused on you, how you got to this place, what you can learn from it, and how you can become a man only a fool would leave, the better. For your peace of mind as well as for your chances at reconciling your marriage.

I'm so confused about what to do or how to react.

Read the 37 rules that are stickied at the top of Newcomers and try to do any of them that help to heal your self respect, positive mental attitude, and health, Do any of them that make you more interesting, more mysterious, more of a catch than you were before. Do them to stay busy, to keep your mind off what your W is thinking, and to heal.

Its so hard knowing my wife and my friend have this secret life together and I'm not included.

That was kind of an odd statement. I'm curious if you think so too? I would have thought you'd have stopped before "and I'm not included." Is not being included the most hurtful part? Have you had much identity separate from your W over the past 30 years? If not, now is the time to start building that from the ground up. Whether you reconcile or not you need that.

I feel very hurt and alone right now.

((((((hugs)))))) This is SO hurtful. You're not alone here though. Unfortunately you have lots of company here. Take care of you.