Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[adinva]

Love it! You could wear something new for your night out with friends!

Luke, I'm not sure where you've read about animal will, but it doesn't ring true for me. What I hear in you is a lack of a solid sense of self. Boundaries are a kind of a container for your sense of self. It's not that she is strong so you must push harder. Your self begins and ends where you draw that line and if you're healthy that does not change when you're around someone else even if they're strong, bossy, or abusive. However, to be subjected to abuse can wreak havoc on your sense of self and your ability to set boundaries.

For example. You want to sleep with the door open, and she wants it closed. To act like healthy people, you'd say what you want and why, and how important it is to you, and she'd say what she wants and why, and how important that is to her, and you'd negotiate based on who feels more strongly. I think the door issue is an awkward one for you because it's not actually what you want, you want more, it's a symbol of being closer to her. While having the door closed could actually be the thing she wants, privacy, her own space, or could be symbolic of shutting you out of her life. Just as much as you have a right to want the door open, you're trying to control the door to the room she sees as HERS. It's going to be a battle of the wills, not a boundary.

A boundary would be this: W, I am the man in this house, I am your husband, that is my room and I'll sleep in it from now on. If you want to sleep somewhere else you can. If you refuse to share a room with me or be civil about my decision I'm not sure that I want to be married to you and we should explore separating. (A boundary is what you need and what you will do if you're unable to get your need met. So here, what you need is the self-respect of sleeping in your bed in your house. What you need to develop is the what if...what if you are not allowed - after having requested and stated clearly its importance to you - if you are not allowed to sleep in your bed in your house.)

A boundary does not require the other person to do something. A boundary is a decision about what you will DO. You will sleep in your bed, you will leave, you will initiate divorce proceedings, you will agree to sleep separately in your house and let her keep the door closed because there is no real marriage but it is convenient for you and the kids to continue sharing your home with her. You do.

The reason you do not have a what if is because you are willing to bend your sense of self to fit whatever container she'll allow, because you fear any change to that situation.

This is not a marriage problem, Luke. I wish you would ditch your counselor and see if you can find a new one who can help you.