Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

[mamabird]

Well, first I'll address comments from the past few days and then get to today's MC session:

Health - well, true, it's his problem, not mine, BUT, and this is different from you SS, I have 2 little kids who need a father. He owes it to THEM to stay healthy. Like I said, he self medicates and I think he also punishes himself a bit when he overeats or makes bad choices. It's like a way to disrespect himself because deep down he doesn't believe he's worth more than that.

Snoring - Wendy, I do use the clay type earplugs. They work pretty well but it's the vibrations that bother me more. It's not a perfect solution but better than nothing. Still, I don't like waking up in a bad mood or starting the day angry with H because of his snoring, but it's up to him to do something about it. I'm not sure why he doesn't seem to understand that. I've told him that his snoring puts me in a bad mood, and I don't think anyone should have to suck it up when their partner snores. It is just not fair.

Have you guys talked about forgiveness? How H thinks he'll get there? What it'll look like? Does it understand it can't have conditions attached to it? Does he understand and accept responsibility for his role in the EAs?

On one hand, I do feel like you are in a position to talk about it and perhaps help H work thru these feelings. On the other, if he's withholding forgiveness to be in control or to further punish you, that's BS.

Breakdown, this is a very tough one. On the one hand, H states that he is having a hard time getting past the infidelity. On the other hand, he has made no effort (at least no effort that includes me) to actually get past it. So we don't discuss it, we don't talk about it. I had suggested reading After the Affair together but he didn't want to do that. I have suggested Retrouvaille but he doesn't want to do that either. I have suggested many things that he doesn't want to do. I'm not sure what he does want to do, except that I do know that he seems to be very stuck and has been for a long time.

So far, there has not been a lot of ownership for his role in the EA's. Actually no ownership. It gives me little hope that we will ever resolve our situation. So let me give the update on MC which kind of answers the rest of it.

Things seem to go ok during the week but when we get to MC all hell breaks loose. I am a "tough cookie" as my MC puts it and I put it all out on the table, for better or for worse. H and I had a dust up yesterday am which started off the conversation. To sum it up - he had an early am call and when I woke up I said that it was almost 6:30 and he needed to get up. I had no idea how awake he was, just that he was still in bed at 6:25. He angrily snapped at me. "What's your point??"

Half an hour later, I brought it up, told him he snapped, he looked me straight in the face, blankly, denied it, then walked out of the room. Morning goes on. Needed H's help with the boys. I started to get tense as the morning went on and started yelling. H didn't help as needed (failed to get S6's soccer gear etc despite my asking). I end up having to do it. Last thing before I leave I ask for an apology. He says, "F you, you're a screaming maniac" and turns his back.

So, a few comments on this - first of all, this is exactly the kind of dismissive, disrespectful interaction that set us up perfectly for me to be vulnerable (my IC said it was abusive). It has been going on like this for years. Secondly, yes I did yell. I own it and have been trying to resolve the problem of getting out of the house more peacefully for a few months now. H still doesn't understand how he needs to help and I rely on him. Not sure why H takes it so personally. It's not meant personally, but everyone has to pull their weight in getting out of the house. H does not go to an office and hasn't in years so he has no idea what that is like. He did call to apologize later btw.

To make a long story short, H thinks that I do not "own" my stuff. So even though yesterday I acknowledged that I would try to do a better job of not yelling in the am, somehow the fact that I didn't own it in front of the therapist made it null and void. MC said that H needed to give me the benefit of the doubt, just a little bit because he's not doing it at all. MC also said to H that he doubted he was really "in it" - as in, H says that he believes in marriage and wants to keep the family together but isn't actually doing anything towards fixing things or trying actively to forgive. MC asked H what H liked about me. H said he couldn't really think of anything except that I work hard. Then later when I got going he said he liked my strength. I guess that is something but in the end it is probably not enough for me. He likes the strength but resists it wholeheartedly.

One thing that H does a lot which really bothers me is he brings things up from years ago to illustrate my behavior. He tried this again today. I got so frustrated that I had to say very clearly that I've been working on my issues for the better part of a year and that I didn't think H was giving me any "credit" (benefit of the doubt as MC had said earlier in the session). For example, when H broke his rib I did my best to be very understanding and cool about it, which I think I was. But that's not seeming to matter to him. I don't see how we can make any headway if he's not willing to change his perception or see things as they are NOW.

On my end, MC told me that I needed to work on "owning" my stuff. I know I can be very defensive. I do it here on this board, it's part of my nature. Part of the problem is that I often times don't understand what H wants or I feel that he wants so much mea culpa that I can't possibly ever prostrate myself enough. It seems that it's never enough for him for me to just apologize and say I'll work on it. Also, I made the mistake of saying that when H says stuff like "F you" it's exactly the same as me being unfaithful to him. Obviously it is not, and I know that, and I shouldn't have said that, but it does hurt a lot and feels very disrespectful and I don't think that H understands the impact. H's takeaway was that I don't own the infidelity.

So, kind of a depressing start to the day.