I want him to be happy

[stilllookingup]

My H unofficially moved out Sunday. He rented a truck in the morning so I thought he would be using that to move stuff out of the house but he just used it to pick up mattress etc and returned it so I thought he was not moving out that day. Well I got excited for nothing. He started loading his computer and some clothes in his car that I knew for sure he’d be out that day. There’s no way he can last a day without his computer because it is his life. He just uses his sedan to move stuff without anyone’s help so he’ll be making many trips back and forth – That’s why I said he unofficially moved out Sunday. It was getting dark out and he told me he would be spending the night at his place that night. I already knew that but I nodded and he came closer to give me a hug. It was a long, tight and loving hug that I started crying in his arms. I didn’t hop on a chair this time so I don’t think he saw my crying face but my whole body was shaking from crying. I pulled myself away from him because I didn’t want him to see my face and also because I was ready to collapse on the floor. Pulling away from him was all I could do. I couldn’t say anything else. We both said nothing and I started walking to the kitchen and he walked away to the garage. After I heard the door closed, I collapsed on the floor.

It was the hardest night of my life, bar none.

He stopped by last night to grab few more stuff. I wished he wouldn’t come by last night because I was not feeling well and lying down on the couch. The last thing I wanted to see was for him to go back and forth to load more stuff. He just came in, saw the diaper cake I finished making on a kitchen counter and gave me a compliment, grabbed his belt and shampoo and left. As usual, when he got to the front door I hopped on the chair to give him a hug. Again it was a pretty long tight one. I felt he was not letting me go when I was ready to pull away.

I am sadder than ever and still wish he didn’t have to move out.
Having said that, I can’t deny but feel relieved and even little excited that I’ll have all this me time now to work on myself.
Right after D was dropped 4 months ago, I implemented 180 right away and it seemed to be working for a while, or so I thought.
But for my H, letting him guess my whereabout, GAL etc were not really working. It was making him further away.
Ever since I went back to letting him know my schedules, hugging him and kissing him occasionally on the forehead etc, I have felt much closer to him. Now he’ll be out of the house that I’ll really be able to focus on my GAL.