This morning W and I were small talking about kids and family (she initiated) and I calmly asked her if she knew how I felt about her. She sheepishly said "yes, I think so". Then shifted to super attitude and said "let me guess, you're going to tell me now". I calmly said "nope, just making sure". She looked shocked and I said have a nice day and left for work.
Didn't intend to talk at all but that interaction felt good and showed another example of how I now act differently (especially on emotional day like a court day).
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I read your thread this morning and, regardless of the outcome, think the things you've learned about yourself and the changes you've made are inspiring. Thank you for putting it all out there for us to learn from. Lots of eye openers for me personally, especially about listening and being a friend. I've fought the friend thing for awhile and now feel it may be too late. Wish I had read your example many months ago.
...I calmly asked her if she knew how I felt about her. She sheepishly said "yes, I think so". Then shifted to super attitude and said "let me guess, you're going to tell me now". I calmly said "nope, just making sure". .
I'm going to steal that!
That's super impressive on a court day. I hate those.
Sitch is progressing along in neutral. I'm staying friendly detached meaning being nice at all times, listening and validating her when she initiates conversation and not really initiating anything myself, staying emotionally stable around her at all times and not letting her even see the buttons to push them, inviting her to some stuff with me and kids, and doing a lot of my own thing (solo and w/ kids). Results with this seem more positive because she's initiating a few more small talks and is acting more friendly overall. Last 2 nights she's actually snuggled up against me in bed while sleeping (literally only contact in weeks).
With that yesterday I had a down day and had a tough time shaking it. No fight or anything in regards to W, just one of the down days in the process that we all have to go through. It wasn't the sharp pain I used to get, just kind of an uneasy feeling all day with thoughts drifting towards sitch. I usually don't post this type of thing because today I'm fine and no damage was done to sitch. I'm guessing most people didn't even know I was down since I've become such a good actor. Reason I'm posting is because a lot of people seem to think something is wrong with them because they have bad days/ thoughts of sitch and can't just detach. It's perfectly normal to have that type of day and probably healthy in the grieving process. Just have to fight through it, don't do anything stupid (i.e. keep your trap shut), and lean on friends to help you.
I did think about triggers for why it happened and my guess is her snuggling me that night while sleeping (yes I miss contact) and the anxiety I'm feeling with S4's B-day party this weekend. In past I would have got stuck in my emotions but yesterday I just accepted that they were there and weren't going anywhere so I just dealt with them and tried to figure out the cause.
Seems like every week or two another layer is peeled away from me (i.e. what is love, obligation, trust, act vs. react, abandonment/ no dad, etc...). This week I've started the work on likely the mack daddy of all my layers, control. I touched on it earlier in my sitch regarding my interactions with W but now getting into more of the why I feel need to control and fear associated with losing it. Pretty deep stuff. Will post on it more in coming weeks as I work through it. Don't think this will be a quick or easy one to work through...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Pretty deep stuff. Will post on it more in coming weeks as I work through it. Don't think this will be a quick or easy one to work through...
Agreed...this one was a tough pill to swallow. Not only can it be a painful thing to work thru, the habit is difficult. Even after I thought I'd worked thru the issue, I still tried to control the sitch to limit my pain. I thought I was accepting, but really I was just giving ground while holding on by my fingertips with all my strength. It's hard to let go.
Thanks for asking. For the most part I'm doing ok. Last week had a few down moments leading up to son's B-day party but I'm now able to keep those in check and not let them turn into anything with W. Even when she tries . Act instead of react has become a motto for me.
Yesterday had S's 5th B-day party and it went great! Kids had a great time, S even ended up with a black eye from a light saber battle. Buddy said it's not a party until someone gets injured and I heard S say that to his sister later in night, cracked me up . W didn't really help with anything for party and went out of obligation only and was disengaged for most of it. Didn't let it affect me or the party. I was shocked my mom and one of my BF's even hugged her at the end. After party she tried to start fight but I didn't fall for it, kept my cool and stated only facts and disengaged quickly.
I'm really proud of myself for pulling the party together and having it go so well. I didn't realize just how stressed I was until I was talking with a friend about it Friday night. This has always been something W planned and I didn't want to blow it. It went so well I even had a few minutes during it to just sit in the chair and watch the kids playing. Really nice moment.
Right now my R with my kids is at an all time high (it's always been good but now on another level I never imagined). I've become close with some new friends and got reacquainted with some old ones. I'm really liking who I'm becoming and most my days are good with the occasional down moment (or half day) about W and the sitch. Currently doing a lot of thinking about control and my fears associated with losing it. Reading 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life' by Susan Anderson and it's amazing. This will likely be my last self help book for a while, time to get back to casual reading and "just be" for a while and let everything continue to soak in.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
You are really inspiring to me, Spartan. Those layers, ah, the layers!
Control was a hard one for me. Sadly, I don't think that short of this crazy bomb being thrown in my life, I would have been able to really let go of control to the extent I have already. Cheating husband, pregnant, crazy OW and OWH, No $ for second home...there is no way to control a thing. Nothing. Oh, I try here and there, but man.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Spartan that is great news. Just so you know I have good days and bad days myself. Even in my current sitch. It isn't always roses when WAS returns. But I am also learning to ACT not react and it is a great thing to live by, for all relationships. Keep moving forward
. Act instead of react has become a motto for me.
. W didn't really help with anything for party and went out of obligation only and was disengaged for most of it. Didn't let it affect me or the party. I was shocked my mom and one of my BF's even hugged her at the end. After party she tried to start fight but I didn't fall for it, kept my cool and stated only facts and disengaged quickly.