littleGTO, my girls are older so it's a lot easier as far as getting through the day to day stuff. They take care of themselves in most ways. It's a lot harder in making some big decisions about college and the future. Being in limbo and having no security in my own future is really adding stress to this time. I think a kid graduating from high school is stressful under the best circumstances. I appreciate your take on db not a gamble in saving M. I get caught up in the efforts of 'trying to save M' but everyone here is right - there's nothing to save. That makes me feel desperate. It's how I react to those feelings that makes me the new me and it's an uphill climb.
azguy, I don't know how to show S we changed either. In most regards it's in normal interactions and I think that's more easy. The big decisions feel like a real test and I really question myself in that regard. I think, at your stage, you can only be a devoted father and best person you can be. Really putting time into your relationships with the ones you love, as opposed to being a workaholic like before, would be a noticeable difference.
labug, what's the worst that can happen? I'm going try to remember that when I feel the stress monster nipping at my heals. I really worry about showing my changes and best self, it's just so new I'm still insecure about it. Vicious cycle. The more insecure I feel about showing my changes, the more nervous I get, the more stressed out I feel from being nervous. I think I had to question his results, he has made some very disrespectful financial decisions without me that I resent. I'm at the place where I'll need to start getting smart and protecting myself, but want to be the 180 of my controlling past me - makes every step feel unstable.
AS, you don't think it's negative? Thank you so much. It's hard to look objectively at your own situation. I realized reading your threads last night that our timelines are similar. But you seem to offer a very strong and controlled pov.
journaling: I woke up, read the text from H about taxes, D15 is getting over being sick & trying to avoid going to school but I made her go anyways because she's doing state testing this week, really stressing about D17 college and her boyfriend... lots of things going on.
SO here's the good stuff - I am able to recognize my stress and attempt to stop the reacting to it. The previous me would have reacted to the stress and fed the stress and been in a fit all day long. The stress would have compiled and effected all other aspects of my day and relationships. Feeling that stress and recognizing it, I tried to stay very even and loving with D15, as I kicked her butt out the door to school.
Here's where I get mixed up - because the old me would have called H and dumped on him (so I dump here instead? ). And I would have felt better afterwards and I'm assuming he would have felt worse? I don't know, he never complained and gave the impression and support that we were a team in making decisions together. So going forward, I want to be able to handle this stuff on my own without needing that affirmation from the one I love. But then on the other hand, isn't that what relationships are supposed to be about? Mutual support? I feel like my previous reactions were wrong and I guess I don't understand why. And I really need that support again to make decisions re: D17 and now I'm afraid to ask him. Just worry stuff. Worry worry worry. We had a plan for D17 college, and our plan could still be realized if he were here. So it's really hard not to be bitter. Especially because I'm trying to be all calm about this mess but it's really against my nature. But the obvious concern is, we haven't come up with a new plan! I hinted that we needed to come up with something when I met with the college advisor yesterday, he just said he'll take care of it. But how can he take care of it if he doesn't know the score and he is so uninvolved with our family now? I'm taking on all this stress alone, but really I can't do anything about it myself so it's my choice to accept the stress or put it aside for now. I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to do that yet...
Then here's something else I've been thinking about for awhile. The fog... the WAH that leaves and may wake up but probably won't. I understand the part about moving on and GALing facing the distinct probability that this is my new future. But the part of me that wants to wait for him? I think, wouldn't I want him to wait for me? Maybe it's okay to move on and GAL but there will always be a part of my heart connected to H. And I don't want our old R back and there would have to be significant changes, I know how unlikely it is. And I also can see how many spouses described are destructive or abusive and that would change ones heart forever. I'm not there yet but it feels terribly romantic and foolish to not be moving on. Especially when every step I take in my current reality is making me question my footing.
So I guess me today is just feeling unsure. How can I feel more secure, positive steps? umm, don't know. Speaking to db coach next week, need to try to reengage with D17, she's been flipping me sh*t and but some of it is actually warranted because all my worry isn't going to change the results. I'm learning I need to accept things I don't like even about my kids but I don't have H to bounce stuff off of when it's regarding our own kids and my friends are sick to death of me being needy. And I don't want their opinion anyways, I want H's! Okay... spiraling downward... the best I can do for today is to try to stay in the moment and not worry about things too far in the future (which seems so much like avoiding reality). I'm trying it for today.
Sorry this isn't very productive today. Feel like my brain is on overdrive and has just vomited all over the keyboard. Oh well, hope everyone else has a better day. With lots of PMA.
