Help & Advice needed please Thread 2

[Mach1]

This might sting a bit....

Lay back and relax...

Honestly,

Honestly ?

Let me ask you this....

Why do you feel the need to say "honestly" before a response ??

Have you not been honest up till now ?

Any time I see the words "honestly" , or worse yet, "trust me" BEFORE a statement, or a sentence, it sends up a Red Flag for me. That you are trying to convince me of something that YOU aren't sure of yourself...

Is that the case ?

Are you not being honest ?

If you are, then I don't need you to tell me that you are being honest...

Or to "trust you"

Cause that makes me trust you less....

Words can mean more than you think they do....choose them carefully...

I really think I am now in a place where I would never make the same mistakes again.

There you are...thinking again...

Are you sure about that ???

I love my W with all of my heart,

Why ?

Why do you love her...

What does that mean to you, to love her with all of your heart ??

Define what love means to you ???

Does love equal obligation ?

Duty ?

and if I had been told long ago that what I was doing or wasn't doing was hurting her I would of worked on rectifying it immediately...

IF....

Pretty big word buddy....

If the dog wouldn't have stopped to crap, he would have caught the Rabbit...

IF...is why you are here, trying to understand, and I applaud you for that...


Now dig in, and find out for yourself, why you are here....


And go ahead, and say "but" one more time....

: )

[Mach1]

Thanks Mach - I know you're right. I do react from emotion - I've always been terrible at this. It was just stuff today that was all very hard to hear.

"I know"

Like I said about words....

"I know"...

Well, obviously you don't know, or you wouldn't do that.

And "knowing" that you do react from emotion, and just because you admit it....

Makes it even worse.

Knowing it, and doing it anyway, gives you the excuse to practice poor behavior.

Stop allowing yourself poor behaviors, just cause "you know"

[Intact]

You're right Mach - I never realised before but I use the word "honestly" a lot. Even in conversation - I'll do my best to be more careful with my choice of words... I have been honest on here and with myself - although my feelings do change constantly on this roller coaster ride.

I love my Wife because she is the Mother of my beautiful Son. I love her because of what she has done for me and how (up until this) she has always been by my side.

Love too me is hard to explain... I want the best for her, I really do. I want her to have happiness and health. I of course, feel that can be achieved within a new relationship between the 2 of us.

I know exactly why I'm here. I took my Wife for granted. I pushed her away unless sex was involved. If I was in a bad mood I would take it out on her with snide remarks, and I wasn't financially independent. Yes, I can look back now and it is all too easy too see. I am ashamed and I am bettering myself - working on myself.

I have always been a "great Dad" according to my W - I feel at times I should have made sure we were still a "couple" as well as a family.

Mach, I genuinely want to thank you for your advice and support. It really does help me.

[Mach1]

First off....

we should only discuss things in a business like manor.

Is this like a Victorian ?

Tudor ?

Ranch ?

Southern Plantation ?

I don't believe I have ever seen a business MANOR....


Okay, just messin with you there..

I love my Wife because she is the Mother of my beautiful Son. I love her because of what she has done for me and how (up until this) she has always been by my side.

Love too me is hard to explain... I want the best for her, I really do. I want her to have happiness and health. I of course, feel that can be achieved within a new relationship between the 2 of us.

So, is that the line you are gonna use IF she decides to make things work down the road ????

That is so romantic buddy <sarcasm intended>

Think deeper than that,

I know exactly why I'm here. I took my Wife for granted. I pushed her away unless sex was involved. If I was in a bad mood I would take it out on her with snide remarks, and I wasn't financially independent. Yes, I can look back now and it is all too easy too see. I am ashamed and I am bettering myself - working on myself.

Okay, so you feel guilty over being an asshat for years....

Is guilt the only thing keeping you here ?

Define the above question more clearly, and you may find a better source of motivation.....

Guilt will keep you stuck in a role that you may not want...

I have always been a "great Dad" according to my W - I feel at times I should have made sure we were still a "couple" as well as a family.

What about ....according to YOU ????

Mach, I genuinely want to thank you for your advice and support. It really does help me.

You may want to save that, for when you get all of your splinters picked out....


Jus sayin...

[Intact]

Thanks again...

Ok... You're right it wasn't the most romantic answer but my love for my W does include all of those things. Of course there is also a physical and emotional attraction to her. She is beautiful - she can me laugh and cry.

According to me, I have always been a very good Dad - this is the thing I am most proud of within my life.

I am not here because of guilt. I am here because of genuine love and affection for my W.

[Spartan]

Intact
I hope you can think deeper than this. Mach asked you these questions and I'm not sure you answered them:

Define what love means to you ???

Does love equal obligation ?

Duty ?

The reason I'm posting to you is I've said some very similar things as you do. Think hard about this, does guilt partially define and drive your love? The word obligation had me spinning for days when I was peeling layers back. When you define what love means don't think of it in the context of just your W, what does it mean to YOU?

When I first came to this site a lot of it was because of guilt. I was a jackass for years and felt guilty for not being H my W needed or wanted. The guilt got me here but you know why I'm still here, because I'm loving the changes I'm making. My changes are for me and no one else. I feel better about myself than I have in years, probably ever. I don't think about changes being made to save my M any longer. With that guess what, I don't feel guilty anymore. I've forgiven myself and I know I did everything I could at the time with the tools I had.

We all want you to get to that point buddy. Most of your posts are either about your W, your W's thoughts, or telling us you know we're right about something. We want to know what YOU think, how YOU feel, and what things YOU want to change about yourself. It's hard work and I applaud you for being here, just dig deep and think about the questions being asked.

[cat04]

Ok, as a woman, the second answer didn't make me swoon either.

I mean, Dr. Suess can make me laugh and cry as well but im not in love with him...

Dig deeper...

[Intact]

I find 'love' hard to define actually. I think love is a lot of things - including putting that persons feelings in front of your own. Duty and obligation? Yes I think it is that too... Parenting together. Yep.

I do feel guilty about the kind of husband I was but that is not why I am here. I have made changes, and I feel good for them. They have benefited me greatly and whatever happens in my sitch I will continue with the positive changes...

How do I feel? It changes constantly. I always feel good about my changes. I miss my Wife dreadfully. I feel a little empty that the person I love so much has been driven away by my actions.

There are of course still things I want to change about myself, but I realise it will take commitment and time. I don't want to act out of emotion any longer.

[purplewoman]

Intact, I just read all your posts and wanted to say that I really feel for you in your situation. It made my heart ache. I just want to say I hope you find what is best for you, and if you decide your marriage is beyond retrieving, that you are able to find happiness.

[Mach1]

Intact..

I see you standing at the edge of this cliff, wondering how cold, how deep the water under you is...

I see you wondering if you jump, will anyone be there to catch you, and to make sure that you are safe...

Nobody can guarantee you of that, and nobody can guarantee you that your marriage will work out, or end.

There are no guarantees in life, other than no matter what, you will face struggles and battles on your way. I have found that making that leap of faith, is the hardest thing you will ever do, and yet, it is the most rewarding thing you will ever do.

I can't tell you that it won't hurt, or sting, or cause you to look at things you could have never imagined looking at within yourself.

What I can tell you, that if you are going to do it, then stop Fing around and do it. Put your heart into it, and make it worth your time. Don't halfway do something that is this important. Don't not answer a question, because it is hard to answer...

What I have found, is that God gives us exactly the problems we need, to fix ourselves..

And I'm not gonna get all religious on you here or anything, just something that I believe in...

I will tell you, that I really do not need the answers to those questions either....those answers are for you. And you better know those answers when the time comes.

It would be really easy, to come onto a Divorce Busting website, and scratch the surface of what a reconciliation looks like for you, and scratch the surface of what exactly went wrong ( on your side of the street), and walk away, feeling better. Because you posted on a website...

The BEST way for a chance to save your marriage, is to take care of the shortcomings that you may have had, and change the things that YOU want to change, because you want to do better for the future, and to teach your Son how to do better.

Learn what Love means to you. Learn what respect, desire, kindness, compassion, dignity looks like...

Learn to define that, just for you...

Learn what it means to be controlling, manipulative, and co-dependent....

THAT is what I mean by digging deep....

Are you ready for that ???

Or is this merely a way to say that you tried ????