Your h isn't quite rational and trying to have rational conversations w/him are going to drive you nuts.
Notice how he justifies continuing a relationship w/the ow and then continues on in saying you should continue to do the laundry, etc. That's cake eating. He wants the best of both worlds.
He knows that if he goes to counseling he's going to be asked some very painful and pointed questions and he doesn't want to have to think about them and respond to them. He also knows that the counselor will see right through him and he won't be able to BS his way out of the session w/his answers. This is so normal in the mlc world, i.e., the excuses for not going to a MC, etc.
Please take care of yourself and do something extra special for yourself today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I know I should know better than to try to converse with H. It was dumb of me.
He thinks that because he's been "faking it" in our marriage, its fine to expect me to do that as well.
I don't know that at least consciously H thinks there is anything to see through. He really believes he is justified with ow, that I'm the one with the problem. I agree, I have a huge problem ~ but not exactly the same one H sees.
I don't know Snodderly. I don't want to be a psychotic B!tch from hell, but that is definitely where I see this going if I don't do the famous DB detach. And for me, detaching while continuing to "play house" is just not possible. I really have tried, and continue to try.
I am also trying NOT to hate H. I don't have respect for him, that I know. Love? Not sure. Not so much lately in the "romantic" sense, more in the "fellow man" sense. Don't like to see anybody suffer, and I do know he's suffering.
But so am I.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
KML, are you somehow involved in the mathematics field? I am not, but H's approach seems illogical to me. He tracks his patterns of wins/losses. Such as wwwllwlllwwll and so forth. Then tells me "48% of the time this happens, 49% of the time that happens"
But,
I feel his sample size is way too small. (He bases his findings on a few hundred hands)
I have degrees in biology and had to take basic statistics.
You hit the nail on the head - his sample size is too small. If you flip a coin often enough, it will come out 50:50.
Playing 21 involves calculating odds, and in the old days, you could count cards if you were really good (nowadays casinos counter that by using extra decks or something). He MIGHT be good at playing that, but I'm guessing, with his lack of mathematical literacy, he's probably not really any good at that either.
He sounds like either a gambling addict OR he's starting to get a little psychotic (what was that movie about that famous mathematician who became schizophrenic?).
I'd be very worried about trusting any of the family finances to him - run a credit check on him to see if he has hidden credit cards, and on yourself to make sure nothing's been taken out in your name.
Btw- is he on any prescription medication? Sometimes people on Parkinsons drugs or who have had gastric bypass surgery can develop compulsive gambling problems.
As for his nonsense about the OW making him a better person - he's desperate for dopamine in his brain. Infatuation provides that, so does gambling. They both provide temporary relief.
I am sorry that your H is being such a twit. But my grandmother would have said, hit him where it really hurts - no laundry, no food. Seems he is already feeling the pinch of the no laundry. I would get him a separate hamper as an anniversary gift.
Do something nice for you today because you deserve it.
A head for statistics? I don't think so. He doesn't even know what friggin month it is!! LOL!
Yes excuses. Justifications. He had his mind made up and you are the crazy one and the problem. That's what mine said to. He was just trying to short out his head and find some happiness. Bull. Happiness is not something you "find". It is something inside oneself. My H still hasn't and probably will never figure that out. I have. And I am much happier now than I have been in years. I feel the old me coming back.
Better person my @$$. Its called a fix. My counselor said nothing heals emotional pain better than a new relationship. It's just as addicting as heroin scary as that is.
Take care if yourself. Keep out of the crazy zone!!!
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Returned to H showing me an email he sent to ow telling her that their relationship needed to be platonic in word as well as deed. H told her he would be letting me read all communications, so she shouldn't be telling him about "aching" for him etc.
Said he did it to show he is at least thinking in the right direction.
I am rather taken aback. Skeptical too.
I'll wait and see how this plays out.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
The purpose of the al-anon meeting is for yourself to work on yourself. So the precise nature of your H's affliction is rather irrelevant. You can simply say that you are concerned that you are co-dependent, or that your brother is an alcoholic, or that your husband engages in extramarital activities and other behaviors compulsively. It doesn't much matter.
What you examine is yourself, not your partner.
What can it hurt to spend 6 hours on something free that might help?
thank you for your input, and the reminder that I need to focus on me. You gave me the new thought too, that some of my current patterns may well have been established because of my brother (he began abusing when I was about 7). I will at least look into what my area offers.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
