Another dollar in my one-man show

[25yearsmlc]

Hi,
Once more, thank you for all the precious input from you all. If I'm recovering, it's greatly in part thanks to your hammering these same advices on me. I'm sure you realized by now I need things to be repeated before it gets through..

Bruce, I've got a real question to ask you. Is ANY of this getting through to you? Can you tell me one thing that you now believe about your situation, that you did not already believe?

B/C I'm feeling pretty useless here. Sure, others tell me my posts to you help THEM, (& I'm grateful to them!)

But I want to know if anything I'm saying to you, really reaches you. Seriously...what's different about you that relates to anything I or others here, have said to you?

So, just to sum it up really quickly : W is nowhere to be seen. But she does communicate by email. Only things about S, she wanted my permission for a speech assessment appointment earlier this week (which I gave), and comments on S visit with me yesterday (from 9am to 3pm) because I hadn't written anything on the "log book" thing.

This^^ is exactly how it has been for some time. You know she doesn't want contact with you and that's that. This is not new. You've been told many times, back off and again I say BACK OFF.

Stop noticing it. When you make these comments it's obvious you are still hoping for and expecting something from her. That's not realistic. And it makes you more miserable to keep the focus on getting a reaction or attention from her.


For the moment, I'm following the plan :

Bruce, "for the moment" you are following the LAW?. As opposed to what,

abandoning your son? Kidnapping him? I mean, What am I to say to that?

no unecessary contact with W. In fact, the less, the better, to give her the emotionnal availabiliy to miss me, or at least not have the feeling that her arm is twisted into thinking about coming back. respect her wishes.

W wants to "win", and show how hurt she was, and how unhappy she is and that nobody can force her into staying with me.

That's^^ just a legal fact. And no one can force you to change either.


You know what? Fine. I let her win, figuratively.


Oh dear God...here you go again. You lost some issues in court and so did she. What's with the terms you "Let her win"? what event are you referring to?

Can't you see that in her eyes SHE LOST time with her son to a man who doesn't care about him?

And What did she "Win"? Temporary spousal support? Okay, well, um, so what? No, Really...so what?

She got 4 months more of support than you think she ought to have gotten.

So How much energy, how much of your life - are you going to waste on that topic?

[[As for child support, paying for the baby YOU wanted...well, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and pretend that you are only complaining about the spousal support. We'll ignore the child support payments b/c I can't discuss you complaining about that, without being upset.]]

So it's spousal support you are still moaning about. 4 more months of it...you're already 1/5 of the way through. Will you spend all those months complaining?

BTW---You never mention how much money you sent her while you remained behind in France? How much money did you send her then? Bruce, Did you send her any?

And the months when you were in Canada, before the court's ruling, what did you give her? Didn't it vary according to your mood?

Bruce, Do you literally lack the ability to understand her point of view?
You have to work on that.

B/C NOT being able to do that, is going to cripple you for life.

What about GAL? How is that going?

(HINT; your answer cannot consist of you blaming your son or w for you not GAL...I just want to hear what efforts YOU are making towards GAL...)


I have been far from a perfect husband, and I made mistakes. Apparently mistakes that deserve death, since my life is finished now.

Well there's nothing quite like the melodrama of reading your posts. Bruce, this^^ is yet another extreme mood swing.

Your wife left you. That stinks. It really does...but You do realize that around here, other people have had that happen too?

Did you discuss taking medication or getting more therapy with the c you saw? She told you that you can't control your w and you were "So disappointed". Well what else did she say? Are you going to find a support group or attend an intense workshop or get some more help?

There's no shame in it. But it's obvious that you do need more help than you are getting. Please, avail yourself of it. There are many resources for you when you wallow in despair.

And btw, when you despair like this, you MIGHT become a person who should not have more custody of his son. I don't mean that as a scary threat but you have to realize that when you dance around the topic of death

WHILE in a custody battle, you hurt your chances. And maybe it's something to reconsider. Maybe you should not have your son so much until you feel more stable.


One generation is wasted, and since the only thing left is my S, I hope he'll do better than I did.

I am taking a parenting course, and have nothing to do in life (apart from work) besides taking care of him, when I have him.

Glad you are taking the class. As for not doing anthing in life besides caring for him "when" you have him"...well, yes, taking care of him is what's going on. I mean, welcome to the world of parenting a 2 year old. Been there, done that. It's parenting Bruce, What do you think your w gets done WHEN she has him?

I recall flying with h and son when S was 2. H brought some of HIS books and notes as if he was going to "catch up on work" on the plane.

In my bag, aside from diapers and bottles, i had 3 pacifiers, numerous coloring books, paper and crayons, toys, blocks, quiet things and medicine, snacks and juices, etc. I had no illusions about what the plane ride would be like with a 2 y/o. It's very labor intensive to care for a 2 year old. No one 'Does other stuff" while they have their 2 y/o. That's what they're doing, caring for their child. It's parenting.


I hope I won't have to go to pre-trial. The L strongly advised me to try and negociate with W, to reach a settlement and not go to pre-trial, which leads to trial, which costs between 40 000 and 50 000$. (Are those "normal" numbers for a D?)

What's "normal" varies wildly. It is usually a % of income and marital assets and since I don't know what your assets are, I can't tell. Most people split things in half, roughly, plus child care costs. That's usually not super complicated and if there are no prolonged debates, no unusal assets or custody matters, and no medical issues for your child, (which you do have), then my GUESS is that about $20k should take care of it, in total. But I have friends who paid over $50k fighting over $100k in assets, never noticing that the assets were cut in half, by their fighting.

As for settling out of court, I don't see you and your w being able to discuss this w/o a neutral 3rd party OR your lawyers. I think you'll get too upset.

You've swung too far too often on this site. So I'd urge you to let your L do the arguing for you, with your guidance. But listen to HIM when he tells you that something is a losing battle. Prioritize clearly for him. Don't swing around on your lawyer from the "screw her I'll flee" to the "fine give it ALL to her"....

he will not know what you want the most. He's not a mind reader and he may not realize how fast your feelings change.


How can I negociate with W if from July 2012, I haven't been able to sit and have a coffee once with her?

IF it is possible, it'd be by backing off.

Are you capable of backing off for real?
You seem to find it very very hard to just leave her alone.

I think GAL would make your life MUCH easier...for so many reasons.



This week, I asked if one Saturday visit with S, could be postponed by one day to Sunday, (because Saturday, I had registered for a Men's conference with many churches...). She said no.

okay. She said no. You do NOT KNOW WHY, so don't negatively mind read so much. Can't you see how you do this to yourself?

It's always a nasty thing on HER end...OMG I'm battling a losing cause...

No compassion, no giving one inch, no nothing from her.

She said "no". What's "nasty" about that? How do you know she was angry? Did you explain why you wanted to switch days? Do you have any ideas about what SHE MIGHT have already planned for either of those days?

What do you think she sees coming from YOU at this point? I mean it...do you know what SHE thinks of you trying to take your son just so you don't have to pay her money?

B/c to her, my guess is that's exactly what she believes..."no compassion for son...no giving...just taking from Bruce" may well be what she believes. I cannot stress enough to you how important it is for you to firmly grasp the concept she has of you, is NOT the concept or image you have.
Why didn't you fill out the log book?

Was it so she'd call you? See, to me that's just more manipulation or pettiness to show her that you won't abide by the rules the court set.
Silly...plus she needs to know what you guys did and ate so SHE can care for him that night.


This isn't the girl I married. I just have to accept it as a death. The girl I married died, I won't see her again. I have to toughen up, and keep trudging through the circumstances, and be brave. One day, there won't be no more tears, until then, I got to clench my jaw and proceed.

Wish you all good week,
B.