The other night h and I were discussing EE. We talked about his discomfort when I went on my own without him.
Mind you, H didn't want to go. H didn't expect to go. We were both happily surprised later, when he did. And later again, when we did "team" together, we were delighted.
But geez, I'm one of your W's biggest fans now.
It's not every woman who would support their h's going to a "personal growth workshop"...let alone drive him to the airport on a Thursday, not expecting him back til Monday,
so HE can go away for a weekend to a self discovery "changed my life" type of workshop.
It's NOT every woman who'd be fine being left alone with the kids, (small kids),
and for a long weekend, WHILE also expecting a blizzard, which did in fact arrive... AND it's
a rare woman indeed, who'd do all this right after putting a beloved companion dog down...
Nope, not many at all. And from what I understood, she did it with a decent attitude too.
So, PON, I gotta say, KUDOS to your W!
She really stepped up to the plate that day.
Hope you'll thank her from EE ---
b/c your hilarious sense of humor and your courageous efforts to find & face your inner demons, start to conquer them and lovingly find peace within, were integral to making it an even better workshop. For that, you & SHE are to be commended.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh believe me I am grateful to have my W in my life. Lots of times on this board you start out as a victim. I certainly realized that. It took me awhile. My W gave me a gift. A gift to look at myself and say is this really the person I want to be. Not saying every sitch is like mine but I really wasn't the greatest husband and she was right. I also realize marriage and personal growth is a life long process.
The topic of my mother came up, which led to the changes my W said she saw in me. She actually said "you are not like that anymore"
I told her that I heard all the things she was saying. It was a short conversation in the car on the way to a family day but man it was nice.
Had a fun day with family yesterday. Played some dice games with relatives. Felt like the old days with my W. High fiving each other etc. We are getting there.
EE has been a great help. There isn't a day that doesn't go by where I am not getting some sort of support from my classmates. (even as a remote EE'er)
Oh believe me I am grateful to have my W in my life. Hey PON, I know you are grateful for it. I totally believe you appreciate her. But by the nature of this site, we hear the fears and withholding she has/does and I just wanted to give a virtual "shout out" to her.
Lots of times on this board you start out as a victim. I certainly realized that. It took me awhile.
Oh for sure. Me too. I was FURIOUS at h. I was also baffled. The added weirdness was that sometimes I thought "OMG was I oblivious to this coming? Am I the Queen of Denial or what?"
I was self righteous as he11 about his selfishness and how wrong he was. As a L, it's easy to believe our own arguments... to ME, i was 100% right and H was being delusional. And I think I wanted "restitution" too. Sometimes I wanted to punish h but I never admitted that's what it was. I'd call it "showing him the consequencees", etc. I felt very much a victim. Even now, there are moments that I think "hey, h did a lousy thing to me". OR, "I was wronged." I don't believe we have to pretend we were not hurt. We don't have to pretend that they did not "wrong us". (But we'll probably need to re-frame it.)
PON, You once asked about when you'll get "the apology". Or if.
I don't know if you're still waiting. All I'm saying is that while we don't have to pretend we were never hurt by them, we do have to move forward at some point....and the words in our vows that say "from this day forward" are genius.
B/c we do have to let go of the past, or be doomed by it.
That's why I TRULY that believe no long term marriage lasts, without forgiveness.
My W gave me a gift. A gift to look at myself and say is this really the person I want to be. Not saying every sitch is like mine but I really wasn't the greatest husband and she was right. I also realize marriage and personal growth is a life long process. AMEN PON!! (Clang Clang!! -Loud applause-...clap clap clap!!)
This^^ is so true.
Your w's challenge to you has yielded so much. Probably more than she bargained for...but I think it's great.
The topic of my mother came up, which led to the changes my W said she saw in me. She actually said "you are not like that anymore"
DING DING DING!!...the spouse has officially noticed CHANGE in the DBer...
300 bonus points for her telling you! (B/C God knows they often keep it to themselves) Seriously, not everyone gets to hear this PON...savor it.
I told her that I heard all the things she was saying. It was a short conversation in the car on the way to a family day but man it was nice. well done!!...
Hey I'm Just curious about a small thing. Why didn't you ask her to elaborate? (Maybe it's obvious to you & we just don't have all the dynamics).
But were you worried you'd say the wrong thing if it went further? Or did you just want to process her comment? fwiw, I agree that sometimes silence really is the best thing to "say".
Had a fun day with family yesterday. Played some dice games with relatives. Felt like the old days with my W. High fiving each other etc. We are getting there.
oh man this^^^ is great. Playing...simple joys...just hanging out...time together, building over time. Addling layers each day...
And the High Fiving each other. Gee, it's like you're on a Team or something.. .
EE has been a great help. There isn't a day that doesn't go by where I am not getting some sort of support from my classmates. (even as a remote EE'er)
I'm really happy for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
PowerOfNow 25yearsmlc told me to read your story ASAP, so I am. I can't believe how much I am like you were mentally and emotionally when you came here. As I continue to read your story, it gives me hope. Can I ask what was your turning point from being stuck on thinking about your W and sitch 24/7 to being able to let go and focus on you? I have so much I need to work on, yet am so darn consumed with my W and sitch. I have 25 and Mach1 and others very, very patiently supporting me, which is a blessing and invaluable. Any input would be appreciated. I would be more than happy to sum up my sitch if you don't want to read through it.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Met very young, W-15, Me-19. Married W-19, Me-23 I was her first and only, I had other gf's I have had depression since teens. We had ups and downs for several years, I became very emotionally abusive, controlling, selfish, wasn't there for her emotionally or physically. I became very verbally abusive to her. She had an Affair at 5 years married. I got scared and changed. We got through the affair and moved away, she gave me a second chance. I bugged her for years about the affair, and was very controlling. Very jealous. I became addicted to porn and emotionally diapered from my family. I looked at porn, spent many ours a day online. My wife walked on egg shells and protected the girls from my temper and absence (not being there emotionally). I stopped the verbal abuse, but still was emotionally abusive to her. This went on for years until last November she said she was done and wanted a D. I woke up again, stopped the porn, turned around, etc. She went on a two week trip by herself to see friends and family and to just get away. she met up with an old friend who she grew up with, hadnt seen in 20 year. Also met another old friend and his wife, both live in the next state. She ended up texting the male friend and it quickly turned into an EA. After I confronted her and she lied, I found proof and she finally admitted it. They texted all day long, she send hundreds of sexually graphic pics of herself to him. After several confrontations, he said he wanted his marriage and said they only could be friends, but W wants more and is still hooked on him. She also started to send text and pics to the other guy and hi wife who are into swinging, she wants to meet up with them and have fun. At this point she has seeked T and found out that she has PSTD from being abused by her father, grandfather and me. She has had an explosion of sexual desires since this came up in November, although she admits to having sexual desired before, just never acting on them. Currently we are separated almost 2 months and I am at home with D's. She is at my moms. I think she is working on herself, but think she has had a sexual exposition and has had a taste of being free and others. I dont think anything physical, yet... I am ready to fix myself and save our marriage, last time I just got comfortable and slipped right back into the sh1t. I honestly dont deserve another chance with her, I have been so horrible to her for sooo long. Right now I am hyper focused on her and cant stop. I think she wants to see me change and possibly make us work, but she says right now that she needs to work on herself, which is great. I fear she will continue down seeing others and or sexting. She flirts with all guys she knows. Sorry got long and I feel i didnt cover it all.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
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