Thank you adinva. Yes, the list is awful long. I really liked your methodical sorting and elimination of the ideas.
As it happens, I am going to Stockholm today, with D, who she needs to get new ballet shoes, at a store right behind one of the major department stores there. This is a perfect opportunity to get the shirts, which I plan to do. I really could use them, as I will be spending a week at our corporate headquarters next month, and so need appropriate attire.
Journal: up and down day/night yesterday. Assertive conversationally last night at dinner, strident even at first, but then found proper tone, and W noticed. Felt good to participate in the conversation more.
Later missed and regretted two opportunities to: 1. touch her (I had to pass close to her on the stair landing, where she was watering the flowers) and 2. assert myself on the bedroom door thing. These missed opportunities led to being awake at night and bad self doubt, where I wondered if her animal will is simply stronger than mine, and so she will always overpower me.
Also wonder how to make my boundary setting more than skin deep. Suppose she ways "no, I want the door closed". What do I say in reply? Do I need a reason to have it open? I don't think so, but then the degree of door openness simply reflects the balance of power between us. What should motivate me to assert myself? What well do I tap for strength, if there is one? Are there thoughts that could strengthen me?
Discouraging to feel that this might finally be an animal will thing and that I need to be vigilant for assertiveness opportunities whenever she is near.
Good news on the friendship front, a guy friend has invited me to listen to Irish music in a few weeks, together with another mutual friend who I like a lot, a professional cook, Tunisian, with an easy laugh. We all speak French, and are immigrants to Sweden, something which unites us (though both of them are ~20 years younger than I am).
Will be good to spend time with D today. She has to take an entrance exam at a high school in Stockholm, so is nervous, but we will have fun and spend time together afterwards.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
