Heart of the Matter

[azguy]

Hi labug, am spending this evening with your threads. Thanks for the posts.

Your respect post brought up some painful memories. I had a very difficult time during our separation, and eventually tried pleading with my W to talk to me and work it out, essentially insisting that she not walk away. One of the comments I remember was her insisting that I didn't respect her and treated her poorly. That stopped me cold, since I didn't really think of myself as someone who didn't respect my wife. Yes, maybe in specific instances, but not in general.

I did realize that I often tried to control situations, and started working on that. I stopped arguing with her as she moved out. I tried to show consistent interest in reconciling, without trying to pressure her to talk. I don't know whether any of it was noticed, probably seen as too little too late if it was. At some point I realized that this is what she meant by respect. She felt smothered in the relationship, felt controlled by me, and she came to see it as lacking respect for her. Of course, it's not how I saw it, but that's sort of irrelevant.

Anyway, it's a good meditation, and I enjoyed the comments. Respecting yourself and others is something tied up in boundaries and control that takes some real effort to understand.